Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(44)

Later, after we left the makeshift mess hall, I found Spence sitting out at my special place. She was alone, obviously waiting for me.

“I don’t really feel like having company tonight, Spence.”

“Well I don’t feel like hearing that. Come on Valentine, I know you’re upset, but you can’t shut me out. It’s like you’re with us, but you’re not. Mullins wouldn’t want you to act this way. He told Anderson what you’ve been through. We both know you’re hiding a huge heart behind that wall. Valentine, let me in. Talking to someone will help.”

I turned to face her. “It won’t bring him back. Nothing will. He’s dead, Spence. I watched him being blown to pieces. I was there.”

“I’m not arguing about that.”

“Look, I get that you’re trying to help me. I don’t need you reminding me of everything that’s wrong in my life. It’s f*cked up as it is. Just go enjoy the night with your other friends.”

She reached for my arm. “I’m not leaving you, Brooks.” Using my first name wasn’t going to make me cave.

“Can’t you take a hint? I don’t want you here. Just go away!” I had to be rude. Spence was stubborn. She’d fight me.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “No! I’m not going anywhere.”

I buried my face in my hands and closed my eyes. If she wanted to sit there all night so be it, but I wasn’t going to keep her company.

I felt her hand on my arm again. “Do you have any idea how special you are? He loved you like a brother, Brooks.” She paused when I didn’t respond. “What we do, how we risk our lives, it’s our job. He died defending our country even if it wasn’t during an attack. Mullins was brave. Two weeks ago we lost our friend too. You know, I told myself that when I got over here I was going to keep to myself, that I didn’t want to be attached to something temporary. I didn’t even make it to land before I met Anderson. You might be strong enough to hold it all in, but I’m not.”

“I’m not strong,” I whispered.

When our eyes met she could see what I’d been hiding. In that instant I broke down right in front of her. Spence leaned on me while I let go of the pain, accepting that our fallen friend was in a better place. “He’s with his daughter now,” I said quietly.

“He’s happy then. I know it’s where he’d want to be.”

After that, we started talking about the good times we’d shared in the past month with the women, and even before that. I told her about times when we were back in boot camp, and how he’d always tried to talk me out of being so hung up on Kat.

We ended the night back in the storage shed, taking out our frustrations on each other. Instead of using a punching bag, we found solace in sex. Time after time I felt nothing when it was over, just that empty hole coming right back into my mind, reminding me that I was alone.

When I laid down in my twin-sized bed at night I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hold someone in my arms or spread out on an extra large mattress. I’d forgotten what breakfast cooking while still being in bed smelled like. The one thing that I knew I could never let go of was Kat. I could close my eyes and smell her shampoo. I could touch my own skin and recall what it was like to feel hers. Every single detail of that woman was etched into my mind.

Spence was right. I couldn’t dwell on what we were unable to change. We had to keep going because if we stopped we lose ourselves completely. We weren’t just physically fighting to survive. We were battling to keep from losing ourselves.



November 28th

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I miss him. I miss everyone. It’s like life won’t give me a break. I’m f*cking dying in misery. What did I ever do to deserve this kind of outcome? Am I really cursed? Is there a target on the back of my head? If so, I wish the bullet would come sooner than later. I can’t take this torture much longer. I’ve woken up for the past week wishing I was dead. Anything is better than living this way. The monotony of this tour is brutal. Each day I wake up praying not to go out into the field. I don’t want to see anymore death. I can’t handle it. Every time I close my eyes I see Mullins on the ground in pieces. I don’t want that fate. I’d rather put a bullet to my head and end it quickly. I can’t be one of those soldiers that hangs on. I think I’ve suffered enough already.

If this is the last entry I make, I hope it doesn’t go unread. I want everyone to know what it was like for me to walk away from everything I love only to come here and die. I’m better off gone, because another day, week or month in this place is going to rip me apart until there’s nothing left.





Chapter 22


December 24th, 2011

I woke up to mail being delivered. There were two packages from my parent’s address, and a red envelope with my brother’s name as the return sender. I figured that since it was Christmas Eve, I could at least open this bunch of mail, instead of sticking it with the other’s I’d never bothered to read.

The Christmas card from my brother was signed by not only him, but also a Melissa. I couldn’t help wonder if it was the same Melissa that had been Kat’s friend, and maid of honor. It was definitely something I’d like to hear about for entertainment purposes. Included in the card was a note from my brother, simply stating he wanted to get past our issues. I rolled my eyes and put the card to the side, focusing on one of the two boxes.