Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(47)

“We’re here now.”

“Marry me.”

Spence sat up and leaned on her elbow as I looked over at her. “You’d ask her to marry you with your eyes closed?”

“I don’t know.” She was so confusing. “You said to pretend you were Kat.”

“When you ask her to marry you, look her in the eyes.” She got closer to my face while climbing on my lap. Her fingers traced my mouth. “Speak from your heart, but never take your eyes off of hers. Make sure she knows that nothing else matters to you. She’s everything.” When she kissed me I felt carried away in her words. “Show her how much you missed her in the way you hold her. Promise to keep her safe forever.”

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I kissed Spence, pretending she was Kat, and she was letting me do it. I tossed her hat to the ground and dug my hands into her hair, pulling her against my mouth. Her tongue teased mine, just enough to force me to reciprocate. She started unbuttoning my fatigues, one at a time. We spent the next hour pretending we were other people, making love in the hot sand of the desert. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t thought about the negative around me. With each touch, stroke, or connection, I imagined I was on that beach with Kat.

Spence laid next to me when we were finished. Our bodies were covered in sweat, and it was hard to not want a gallon of water to quench my thirst. She looked up into my eyes and giggled. “So that’s what it’s like to be with the real Brooks Valentine.”

I reached forward and kissed her on the head. “You made me do it.”

She tapped on my chest. “She’s a lucky girl.”

“I wouldn’t say that. I’ve pretty much ruined her life.”

“When you get home, make sure you don’t stop looking for her. Don’t give up. No matter how much it hurts, keep searching for her.” I was shocked when I heard her starting to cry. I lifted her and held her close against my chest. “What’s wrong?”

“I want to go home, Brooks. I miss my boyfriend. No offense to you. I’m glad I have you in my life right now. It’s not the same though. I need to feel him holding me.”

“Yeah. I get it. Don’t cry though. You’ll make me feel like shit.”

She laughed through her tears, but before she could respond we heard an approaching vehicle. Since we’d taken the vehicle without permission, and were only in our underwear, we both stood and began scrounging for our fatigues. At first I had her jacket, and she had mine. We tossed them to each other and continued rushing. By the time the vehicle stopped behind us we were at the front, both ducked down checking under the truck.

“Everything alright, soldiers?”

“Yeah, we hit something a while back. I was just checking it out.”

“Okay. I only stopped to make sure you weren’t broken down.”

I came out from under the truck and avoided eye contact with Spence. “Thanks. We’re good. I’m headed back now.”

Once we were both back inside of the truck we began to laugh. “That was close.”

“I’m sure he knew what we were doing.”

“Who cares. He’s just jealous.” I started the truck. “Thanks for today, Spence. It was nice to be on that beach with you.”

“With Katy, you mean?”

“No,” I looked in her direction. “With you. I mean, yeah I imagined you were Kat, but I knew you weren’t. You’re a good friend. For a while I was convinced that I didn’t need anyone while I was over here. I figured if I wasn’t connected to anything I couldn’t get hurt.”

“Yeah, it makes sense, but we’re all feeling the same thing. When I signed on the dotted line I never expected this. I’m holding on for dear life here, too. It’s not easy.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to get away from home. I didn’t think far enough into the future to see this. Don’t get me wrong. I won’t regret defending my country, but I’m spent.”

“You’re a good soldier.”

I tried hard to be the best, even when I doubted myself. “I appreciate that.”

“We should get back.”

I looked at her one more time, wishing we were back on that sand, pretending that life wasn’t falling apart around us. “Yeah, I guess we should.”



December 25th

It’s Christmas.

My mom is making her annual dinner, and I’m sure my brother’s there. An empty space will be left for me and Kat. I wonder where she’ll be eating. Has she made friends? Does she have any presents to open? Is someone else holding her?

I’m trying not to be upset today, but it’s difficult. Yesterday I spent time with a friend, who gave me a nice present. She helped me pretend I was with Kat on a beach. It also broke my heart. More than anything I wanted it to be real.

Wherever Kat is, I hope she’s okay. I don’t want her to be sad. She needs to live her life without regret. I want her to be happy, above everything else, even if that means she’s found another to hold her at night.





Chapter 23


Another year had come and gone, leaving me with more loss. Each day I woke up wondering if it would be my last. I thought about Mullins every day, sometimes I even talked out loud to him, as if he was out there somewhere watching down on me. I knew I’d lost my sanity, and frankly I didn’t care. Life was redundant. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and I certainly had nothing to look forward to. I was going with the flow.