Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(48)

Being a ranger was tough. Almost weekly I’d been sent out with some mission that required me to take a life. So far I know I’d killed at least ten people; ten people who may have had children, wives, or even living parents. I didn’t know what they’d done before this, and it didn’t matter. If I put thought into it I’d be weak when I knew I had to remain strong. I’d become bitter, lonely, and a man of few words. Even Spence noticed the change, but knew she could do little to change me. She too was going through the motions of figuring it out for herself. The first time she’d shot her gun she came back to base and cried for two days. That’s when I knew it was time to turn off my feelings. I couldn’t have them if I wanted to get through this. I had to be numb.

Then something happened that would change me. In an instant it snapped me back to reality. I almost couldn’t believe that I wasn’t dreaming.

It was mail time. I was sitting on my bed reading one of the books my parents had sent. When they called my name I grabbed the envelope and stuck it to the side until I could finish the chapter I was on. Had I peeked at the return address I would have known right away that the next few pages could have waited.

The moment I picked that letter back up and saw her name I had to do a double take. My stomach knotted up as I ripped it open, eager to see her handwriting that was meant just for me.




Dear Brooks,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. I know it’s been a long time and you may not even want to hear from me. I don’t blame you for hating me. I hate myself for what I did to you.

I walked away from everything because I wasn’t willing to fight. I was a coward.

I’m not writing this letter to beg you for forgiveness. I don’t deserve that. I’m writing to you because I know it’s time to move on. I’ve held onto some crazy idea that one day you’ll be back in my life again.

So, that brings me to the reason that I’m writing you this letter.

Tell me that I shouldn’t hold onto you.

Tell me we’re definitely over, so that I can finally let go.

Katy



I didn’t know what to do. After reading her words nearly twenty times I contemplated what I could do to tell her how long I’d waited for this moment. She was okay, and reaching out to me, but only because she was ready to move on. Asking my permission was like a knife to my heart. Is this what she wanted? After all this time, was she ready to let it go?

I quickly grabbed a piece of paper and began to reply.



Dear Kat,

I hope this letter finds you.



I considered not writing you and letting it be, but I’ve kept things bottled up for so long and I don’t know where to begin.



I’ll start by asking you the one question that has been on my mind for two years now. Why did you run?

Please tell me it wasn’t because you regretted being with me. Still, to this day, nothing has ever compared to feeling you in my arms that night.



My life hasn’t been easy the past two years. I’ve seen things that I wish I could wipe out of my memory and just when I think it can’t get any worse, I see something even more devastating. I’ve seen children slaughtered and fathers being shot by their own sons and brothers.

I’m sorry for sharing that. It’s just so hard, living here.

I still miss you every day Kat, so I guess that finally brings me to answer your question.

If you think it’s time to let go, I will understand. Just know that I’ve thought about you every day since you walked out of my life. I’ll never give up on you.

Take care of yourself in whatever you decide.

Love always,

Brooks



When I saw Spence it was hard to contain myself. Right away she knew something was up. “Who are you, and what did you do with Valentine?”

“She wrote me.”

“What?” Seeing the excitement on her face only made it better. She hugged me in front of a ton of people. “Oh my god, that’s awesome. You must be so happy.”

“You could say that.” I pulled the letter out and handed it to her. “Do you want to read it?”

We found a place to sit down, and I watched as she began reading the words Kat had written to me. When she looked up I saw a worried look in her eyes. “Please tell me you wrote her back?”

“Yeah, I mailed it already.”

“What did you say?”

“I told her I was glad to hear from her and if she wanted to move on with her life I would be okay with it.”

She slapped me on the back of the head. “You idiot! Are you crazy? She was reaching out to you. You weren’t supposed to let her go. She wrote that so you’d tell her to hold on.”

“What?” I was immediately concerned.

“When a woman writes this it’s because she needs to see you haven’t given up hope. You just basically told her to go out and find someone else.”

“Oh shit. What do I do? The mail has already gone out.”

I stood up, but she pulled me back down. “Wait. Just see if she writes back. If she doesn’t, send her another letter.”

“I can’t sit here wondering.”

“Then write her back now. Whatever you do, don’t freak out. If she wants to move on there’s nothing you can do anyway. I think she needed to know you still love her. Hopefully that will be enough to keep her from doing something she’ll regret.”