Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(25)

Jack lowered the telescope. “We’re there.” He pointed toward the horizon. “Treasury Island, dead ahead. Storm threw us straight at it.”

“What?” Paul said in shock.

“Made good time, too,” Jack said. “I’d wager we’re even ahead of your wizard. Told you I knew what I was doing.”

Laura snorted. “You can’t expect us to believe you planned this.”

“Believe what you want,” Jack said with a shrug. “But now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to put something cold on my jaw.”

He turned away from them and descended into the cabin, his mask of smug confidence shriveling into a sigh of relief.





17



ONE HAPPY BARBARIAN


King Hofnar galloped across the crumbling bridge to Lilypine, stone blocks breaking loose and hitting the water with every hoof beat.

He raced past the Troll Booth before the Troll could stop him.

He careened past long stretches of beautiful but worthless trees.

He skidded to a stop before a lopsided pile of stones that had the audacity to call itself a castle.

He barreled into the castle’s main hall where cracked masonry and faded tapestries surrounded him on every side.

He tore open several chests, hurling their contents across the room.

Queen Berba the Frigid, more ice sculpture than human being, glided into the chamber in all her pristine, icicle beauty.

“Hofnar, what are you doing?” she asked.

King Hofnar paused mid-scavenge. “No time for talk, Berba! There be much to do!”

He moved to kiss her, but her glacial stare stopped him cold. Instead, he kissed the air three feet away, though even at that range he still felt the chill, then charged to another chest.

“What’s gotten into you?” Berba asked. “Where’s Paul?”

“On his first Quest! ’Twas chosen to rescue the emperor’s daughter! Ah — there it be!”

King Hofnar seized a savage-looking war hammer from a chest filled with balls of yarn.

Berba stared at it in horror. “Put that away! I told you, no more tree-smashing with that hammer! Has it not caused our family enough pain?”

“I have no choice,” King Hofnar said. “Please, do not be angered, Berba, but I didst wager the kingdom on Paul’s Quest, and King Sterling’s armies wilt soon invade us!”

“You did what?” Berba was not quite sure she’d heard any of that correctly.

“Not now, Berba — I must go rally the peasants!” Roaring a barbarian battle cry, King Hofnar charged from the room looking happier than Berba had seen him look in a very long time.

Berba, however, did not look happy at all. She looked terrified. Although she was known as Berba the Frigid, the one thing that warmed her heart was the bottomless love she felt for her son. Lifting her eyes to the heavens, she prayed, “Almighty Jahalael, I beg of you, please have mercy on my precious son.”

As if in response, thunder grumbled someplace far away.





18



SMILE NUMBER 33


Seeboth escorted Princess Luscious to the bow of the Dawnslayer, his puppies scampering about their feet. From there, the couple enjoyed a stunning view of the inky water that glittered around them like the scales of some ancient, poisonous fish from the bottom of the sea.

“You did all this?” Princess Luscious asked.

She was referring not to the impossibly black waters, but to the half-submerged ruins of a once-magnificent city that peeked above the waves. Arcane green flames burned atop the tips of the city’s spires like infernal, eternal torches.

“I know it’s out of the way, but I thought you might enjoy seeing a sample of my handiwork before we visit the pirates,” he said. “This was Waterblack, where I slaughtered a horde of barbarians, turned them all into Zombie slaves, and then sank—”

Princess Luscious smiled politely and looked away.

Seeboth’s heart constricted with an icy pang of fear. He didn’t like the feeling; it made him want to kill something.

“I’m boring you,” he said.

“No, not at all,” Princess Luscious replied, giving him her Smile Number 27, the one she utilized for long reception lines and conversations she had stopped listening to several minutes ago. “Please, finish telling me how you plan to become king of the world.”

Seeboth cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um, that’s god. Of the omniverse.”

“Of course it is.” She smiled again — still Number 27.

Seeboth could sense that he was losing her. “Let us talk of other matters,” he said.

“All right.”

They stared at each other in silence.



.



. .



. . .



. . . .





The moment stretched agonizingly.



.



. .



. . .



. . . .



. . . . .





Seeboth couldn’t think of a single thing to say.



.



. .



. . .