Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(30)

“It’s him!” she hissed to no one in particular. She ducked down as the duo strode past the Sphinx and marched into the coral palace.

“We have to do something!” Laura hissed again, again to no one in particular. She cast a glance toward Jack, but he would be of no help.

Oblivious to all around him, Jack continued his retreat from the sleazy pirate and attempted to deflect the cutthroat’s onslaught of questions with his own endless prattle: “…and I freckle very easily, so…”

When the two headed for the stern of the ship, Laura saw her chance and slipped down the gangplank so she might take matters into her own hands.





A sparkling bead of sweat dangled from Paul’s chin with far more tenacity than one would expect from a drop of perspiration.

Captain Head continued to press the tip of the Judgment Blade into Paul’s throat. “Ye must be new at this. Did ye honestly think ye could just sail in here and expect me to betray Seeboth? He fixed me head, fer gods’ sakes! Besides that, the man scares the barnacles off me hull.”

Unable to hold on any longer, Paul’s sweat finally let go, seemingly welcoming the release, and it plunged downward to spatter upon the edge of the blade of Judgment.

A magical sizzle.

A faint wisp of smoke.

And it was gone.

“Who is that, and why is he soiling my sword?” came a voice from behind Paul.

“Ah,” Captain Head said, “yer here.”

Seeboth and Demog stood in the doorway, all black cloaks, leather armor, and scowling brows. Nobody in the known world scowled better than those two.

Paul’s Singing Sword shivered in its scabbard and said, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just skip the song and cut right to screaming like a little girl. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!”





Alone in her cell, Princess Luscious slumped on the bench. She was bored. The growling of the purple mold no longer bothered her; at least it acknowledged her presence. She realized she would have welcomed even the company of Rupert the Rat at that point, but the rodent had not returned since she’d freed him during the storm.

Being kidnapped was not nearly as fun or adventurous as she had hoped. She was still too young to grasp that the magic of love involved a lot of hard work, compromise, and disappointment, and that, optimally, it should not involve kidnapping.

A key scraped in the door’s lock.

Princess Luscious sprang to her feet. She attempted to smooth the wrinkles from her gown and fluff her hair into some semblance of order, but her attempts did little more than completely fail to achieve anything other than a basic scruffiness. Still, she didn’t care, not if it meant she could leave that cell and experience something exciting.

The door swung wide…

“Do I finally get to meet the pirates?” she asked.

…and revealed Laura standing in its opening.

“Luscious!” Laura gasped in relief. “Thank Jahalael you’re all right!”

“Laura?” Confusion and shock crashed together inside the mind of Princess Luscious and left her face jumbled in a mishmash of conflicting expressions. “What are you doing here?!”

“I’m here to rescue you! Come on!” She grabbed the princess by the hand and pulled her toward the door, but Princess Luscious resisted.

“You’re here to rescue me? Laura, I’m not that kind of princess!”

“You don’t understand—”

Princess Luscious ripped her hand from Laura’s grip and stepped back into her cell. “I won’t let you ruin this for me. I’ll go when my Prince Charming arrives!”

“Listen to me!” Laura said. “You’re in danger! I was angry, and I changed your ad!”

“I don’t care. It still worked, didn’t it? I was right! And he’s so powerful—”

“No, it didn’t work! He’s a Shadow Wizard! He’s going to sacrifice you!”

With renewed urgency, Laura grabbed the princess and dragged her out the door.





Said Shadow Wizard was currently prowling around Paul in the heart of Captain Head’s throne room. He had a distasteful look on his face.

“Let me get this straight,” he said. “The Lottery sent you, a timid, neophyte Prince Charming from a backwater kingdom, without any backup or even a proper magical weapon—”

“Hey!” squeaked the Singing Sword.

“—to stop me, Lord of Shadows, commander of the undead, master of Terrors, essentially the most powerful dark magician in the world, from sacrificing Princess Luscious?”

Hearing it said like that, Paul had to admit it sounded a little ridiculous, but he replied, “Um, well… yes.”

“I think I’m actually insulted,” Seeboth said.

“Those… those are the rules,” Paul added, because he had to say something. He was facing the Villain — definitely a Class Six Confrontation — and a Prince Charming could never let the Villain have the last word.

“That’s the problem with the forces of good — always playing by the rules,” Captain Head observed.

“Shall I slay him now?” Demog asked.

Before Seeboth could answer, Paul suddenly spun and wrestled Judgment from Captain Head’s hand. He leaped back and brandished it wildly, swinging it from one target to the next as he edged toward the door.