Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(34)

Fear Incarnate finally coiled back into Demog’s chest. Satisfied with his snack, the Demon licked his lips and buckled up.

The pirates, on the other hand, fled in blind panic, racing away with nightmare visions in their eyes and shouts of, “Arr, it’s Whitethorne!” or “Arr, run away!” or “Arr, don’t let him stabify me!”





The reason they said such things was because Sir Whitethorne and his Knights of the Oblong Shield were the pirates’ greatest fear, and small wonder — Whitethorne had nearly hunted the pirates, and every other villain, to extinction. Even smaller wonder then that the villains killed him.

Without Sir Whitethorne around to maintain peace, bloodthirsty pirates like Captain Head ran amok.

Evil wizards like Seeboth grew mighty.

Wicked rulers like King Sterling literally devoured neighboring kingdoms.

And people everywhere began using the word “literally” when what they literally meant was “figuratively”.

The world was literally coming to an end.





The pirates fled in blind panic, racing past Captain Head as he and his considerable bulk finally lumbered up to the Shadowship.

“What have ye done to me men?!”

He wheezed like an overweight steam whistle.

“Taught them respect,” said Seeboth.

“They’ll be fine,” Demog added, pulling his chest strap tight. “I only gave them one buckle — just a glimpse of their greatest fear. Had I released any more of my Essence — say, two or three buckles — they would be dead now.”

Demog sprang aboard the ship and handed the Judgment Blade to his master. In exchange, Seeboth passed the princess to the Demon.

“What about… four buckles?” she asked, eying the Demon’s chest warily.

Demog smiled, the first time the princess had seen him do so. “You do not want to know,” he said as he dragged her below.

Once the shower of debris had stopped showering, Seeboth gestured. The shadowy wings of the Dawnslayer unfurled and the Shadowship took flight.

“Hey, wait! What about me!”

Captain Head gestured at the destruction that surrounded him. It had buried half his ships. “Look at me lair! How am I supposed to blast me way out o’ this mess?!”

“Use your head,” Seeboth said.

The wizard’s mocking laughter echoed across the grotto as the Shadowship soared up and away through a vast opening where once had been the cavern’s ceiling.

Captain Head simmered until the iron skin of the cannonball perched atop his shoulders burned red hot with rage.

An unfortunate fly landed upon his head and instantly sizzled into ash — the first victim of his fury.

“Me ships…” he fumed.

“Me lair…” he seethed.

“Bravado!” Scraping one of the wanted posters from the wall, he crushed Jack’s face in his fist. “There’s nowhere you can hide from me now! Heads’ll roll for this — yer head will roll! Round up all the black powder ye can, me boyos!”

Raising his hands to the sky, he bellowed across the grotto, “The time has come to unleash me Bloody Vengeance!”





23



A KNIGHT OF THE OBLONG SHIELD


Prince Paul and company watched helplessly as the Shadowship streaked high above the dog-paddling Sphinx to disappear in the clouds.

“It can fly? How are we supposed to rescue Luscious now?” asked Paul.

“Could be a problem all right,” said Jack.

“It’s your fault she still needs to be rescued,” Laura pointed out.

“Hey, we didn’t stand a chance back there,” Paul said defensively.

“You didn’t even try!” Laura shot back. “I tried to rescue her more than you did!”

“Well… it’s your fault she was kidnapped in the first place,” Paul reminded her.

“Don’t put this on me!” Laura said. “It’s your job to overcome the odds! That’s what Prince Charmings do! But instead, I had to save your life — again!”

“Fine!” Paul said. “If you’re so much better at this, what do we do now?”

Laura stared at him, brows furrowed, mind racing, until a triumphant smile spread across her face. She pulled a small leather strap from her pocket and shoved it into Paul’s hands.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“You cut it off that thing when you were fighting,” she said.

“So?”

Laura rolled her head around her shoulders in exasperation. “Do I need to spell everything out for you?! That thing was about as magic as magic gets. Flitterlings track magic. So go find some Flitterlings!”

Vindicated, she stormed off to the bow.

Jack took the strap and examined it. “You know, that’s actually a pretty good idea.”

Paul felt like less of a Prince Charming than ever. “She’s right — I need rescuing more than the princess does. Gods, what am I even doing here?!”

“Unless that’s a trick question, I’d say you’re here to save the emperor’s daughter,” Jack said, tossing the strap back to him.

“Be honest, Jack,” Paul said. “There’s no way I can rescue her, is there?”