Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(31)

“Stay back! You… knaves! I… you’ll not use this sacred blade to touch a single… one hair on the head of Princess Luscious!”

Seeboth drummed his fingers impatiently on Demog’s leather shoulder plate.

“Don’t… don’t force me to… to… you know… slay you!”

“You’re not very good at this, are you,” Seeboth said.

Paul opened his mouth to say something else but realized the only word left in his reservoir was RUN, so he did, sprinting out the doors and slamming them behind him.

Demog cocked his head toward his master. “My lord, may I?”

Seeboth nodded.

Springing twenty feet across the room in a single leap, Demog smashed the doors from their hinges. He tumbled across the hallway beyond, ricocheted off a wall, and then bounded after the retreating prince.





Jack’s retreat took a much more leisurely pace. While the sleazy pirate continued to question him, Jack nonchalantly untied his ship’s mooring line.

The pirate had leaned back against the mast and was tapping his scabby cheek in contemplation. “I don’t know… just somethin’ strange about you, mate.”

He turned and bumped into a dagger embedded in the mast. Squinting at it, he said, “’Ey! My brother has a throwin’ knife just like this. Took it up north to do a contract on some scurvy sailor… who saw…”

The pieces finally clacked together behind the pirate’s eyes. Snatching the bandages from Jack’s head, he scowled at Jack then scowled at the wanted posters.

At Jack.

At the posters.

Jack.

Posters.

“You!”

While the pirate was busy swinging his face back in Jack’s direction, Jack was busy swinging a wooden peg into the pirate’s face. With a WHACK and a SPLASH, the sleazy pirate toppled overboard. As other pirates took notice and started running closer to investigate, Jack shoved an ornate lever forward and caused something amazing to happen.

The Sargasso Sphinx transformed!

The jaw of the Sphinx masthead splashed open with a mechanical roar to reveal a front-mounted paddle wheel that spun up and began to drive the ship forward, scraping the hull along the side of the dock as it did so. The ship’s two paws cranked into immediate motion as well, each reaching forward to scoop the water, faster and faster, and the Sphinx lurched out into the grotto.

Although it looked ridiculous, this ship that paddled its way to freedom like a desperate dog paddling after a stick, one had to admit it was far more dependable than the wind.





Across the grotto, Laura dragged Princess Luscious onto the deck of the Dawnslayer just as the Sphinx stroked away from the dock. Laura never stopped to question the absurdity of what she was seeing, for all she could see at that moment was her getaway ship getting away without her.

“Wait! Where are you going?! Jack!” She raced to the end of the Shadowship and desperately tried to flag him down.

“I can’t believe you did this to me!” Princess Luscious said, her royal rage manifesting itself in the stamping of her foot and the balling of her fists.

“I said I was sorry!” Laura replied. “How was I supposed to know Shadow Wizards sacrifice princesses? I’m a handmaiden, remember? They don’t teach us about wizards! Besides, you started this — you’re the one who made Squeaker cry!”

“Squeaker?” Princess Luscious couldn’t have been more confused had an army of Dwarves suddenly assaulted her with a stack of forms to be signed and sealed in triplicate. “Who’s Squeaker?”

“Never mind! You should just be thanking me for rescuing you,” Laura said as she cast a critical eye up and down the princess. “Captivity does not suit you, Luscious.”

That shocked Princess Luscious back into the moment. “What — you mean I don’t look good?”

All along the dock, Laura could see pirates launching longboats to pursue the Sargasso Sphinx. She had to admit things weren’t looking good, and rescuing a princess was not as easy as she had initially thought it would be. While she tried to figure out what to do, she saw Paul skitter down the steps of the coral palace, look around in confusion for a moment, then start racing along the dock in her direction. Fortunately, the pirates were all too focused on the escaping Sphinx to notice him.

Laura grabbed Princess Luscious and dragged her down the gangplank. When the princess resisted, Laura urged, “Come on! He’s coming!”

“Who?” Princess Luscious asked, heaving them to a stop at the bottom of the plank.

“Paul!” Laura said.

Seeing the blank stare on Princess Luscious’ face, Laura added, “Your Prince Charming?”

Horrified, Princess Luscious wrenched her arm free and ran up the gangplank before kicking it into the water to strand Laura on the dock.

“Oh my gods, where are you going?!” Laura cried.

“I don’t want him to see me like this!” Princess Luscious said. “I’ve got to fix my hair — it will just take a minute. Send him to rescue me when he gets here!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Luscious! This isn’t a game!”

But Princess Luscious had already run back to her cell. She had trained her entire life to be rescued, and she wasn’t about to look poorly for this moment, the most important thing a princess would ever do.