Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(29)

Paul tried not to stare.

Unlike the other pirates Paul had seen, Captain Head was both clean and immaculately dressed. He wore polished black boots, black velvet breeches, and a silken shirt with cascading frills. Brass buttons and gold threading sparkled on a burgundy longcoat that draped the pirate’s broad chest and formidable belly. A red carnation bloomed from his lapel.

And his head was a cannonball.

An actual cannonball.

Paul had not expected that.

The round iron globe perched precariously atop the man’s shoulders and had what could only politely be called the approximation of a face. Although it wore a leather eye patch where its left eye should have been, curiously enough, it did not have a right eye at all… nor did it have a nose, or even a proper mouth. Instead, a steam-shovel jaw had been bolted to its chin, and at that moment, it creaked to life.

“I can tell by yer face that me appearance startles ye,” said Captain Head, his jaw grinding out the words.

“Uh, no,” Paul said, still not sure where he should point his eyes. “Not at all—”

“Let’s just address the cannonball in the room and be done with it,” creaked Captain Head’s jaw. “Lost me head — tragic rape-and-pillaging accident. Fortunately, I found a wizard who could patch me back up. Did a fine job, don’t ye agree?” He rapped his knuckles against his metal skull.

BONNNNNNGGGGG!

“Um, yes?”

The Captain nodded, the heavy cannonball tipping forward as he did so, forcing him to prop it back in place with his hands. “Wise answer. I think we’ll get along just fine. So, down to business. You desire a courtesy. What is it?”

All the moisture fled from Paul’s mouth, reappearing under his arms and upon his palms. He felt completely out of his depth trying to negotiate with a criminal overlord, but he had no choice. The sooner he started talking, the sooner it would all be over.

One way or another, it would all soon be over.

“I… I seek a wizard named Seeboth,” he finally said. “Has… has he arrived yet?”

“Ye know of me business with Seeboth, do ye?” Captain Head scratched his iron chin. “Yer certainly well informed. But no, he has not arrived. Why?”

“I am… I am on a Quest, duty-bound to slay this wizard,” Paul said. “Will you… will you… give him to me?”

A great belly laugh suddenly shook Captain Head’s body, erupting from his creaking jaw with the sound of rending metal. “I like the cut o’ yer jib, matey! You got guts askin’ me to betray a client like that. But I’m afraid doing that would be very bad for business. And in the end, I do be a businessman after all.”

Paul felt himself shrivel inside. “Then… I shall slay him on my own.”

“Well, ye won’t be the first man to bite off more than ye can chew,” said the captain. To illustrate his point, he flipped a switch on the arm of his throne, setting a series of wooden gears in motion down the side of his chair.

In response, a panel in the dais slid open, and a magnificent silver sword rose up on a stand. A pattern of flames, inlaid in exquisite gold leaf, ran the length of the blade from tip to handle.

Paul’s mouth dropped open and remained that way for a few moments until his words could find their way there. “Jahalael have mercy — that’s the Judgment Blade. That’s Sir Whitethorne’s sword!”

Somehow Captain Head clicked his tongue, which seemed quite impossible since he didn’t have one. “Was his sword. Now it’s merchandise.”

“How dare you!” Paul cried. Though he still felt very much afraid, a sudden sense of outrage was crowding past his earlier indecisiveness, throwing angry elbows all about and shoving its way to the front of the conversation. “That blade is sacred! Whitethorne was a hero—”

“He was a busybody,” Captain Head corrected. “He and his Knights of the Oblong Shield stepped on the toes of many, many powerful people. People who wanted him ‘removed.’ So he was. I’m not complaining. Business be much better without him.”

Captain Head abruptly snatched Judgment from the stand and swung the point to kiss Paul’s neck.

“So, please don’t be offended when I hand ye over to Seeboth,” he said. “He’s paying me a small fortune to buy this sword for a sacrifice or some such nonsense, but I’m sure he’d be grateful if I throw a prince in as a little bonus.”

Paul’s outrage quickly retreated as his fear shouldered back to the forefront once more. “But… the flag of truce… you guaranteed safe passage!”

Captain Head shrugged, which set his head toppling to one side. As he propped it back up with his shoulder, he said, “I lied — what did ye expect? I may be a businessman, but I’m still a pirate!”





21



THE NOT-SO-GREAT ESCAPE


Laura crouched behind the railing of the Sargasso Sphinx and stared in horror as the ominous black Shadowship coasted into the grotto. It slipped into an open berth on the opposite side of the dock, over near the crane.

Seeboth and Demog disembarked, and her blood ran cold at the sight.

Although she didn’t know the smaller figure or recognize its shriveled, skull-like face, she would never forget the taller figure in its black cloak or the magic finger with which it suspended her in midair for an entire evening until someone had finally spoken the counterspell “Fiat Oblivytum” to release her.