Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(33)

The dagger thudded into one of the barrels, its orange flame licking at the wood.

“We gotta get out of here!” Jack cried, racing back to the wheel and shoving Laura aside.

The fleet of longboats stroked nearer, near enough that the pirates craned forward and readied their grappling hooks.

“There’s no need to shove!” Laura told Jack indignantly. “Besides, what are you doing that I wasn’t doing?”

Truth be told, he wasn’t doing anything differently at all.

At that moment, the flames found a trail of black powder that had leaked from the barrel’s spout and sizzled up its side.

The cannons took aim.

The first of the grappling hooks grabbed hold of the ship’s railing.

“Come on come on come on!” Jack urged.

Actually, that was the one thing Jack did that Laura did not do. He talked to his ship, and maybe, just maybe, she responded to it. The Sphinx appeared to surge forward out of the skull’s mouth, just as…

…the barrel burst into flame and exploded!

Fire washed along the jawbone of the grotto’s mouth and caused the next barrel of black powder to explode, and then the next, and the next, until the inferno worked its way from one side of the mouth to the other like one great, hellish smile. The entire mouth collapsed, sealing off the grotto and scattering the pursuing longboats.

Safely beyond the surging flames, the cascades of rubble, and the swirls of dust, the Sargasso Sphinx rode out the shockwaves and danced toward the sun with Jack’s triumphant voice rising above the destruction.

“And my blowhole is still open!”





22



ONE BUCKLE


The Judgment Blade broke the surface of the grotto, followed by Demog’s ugly, wrinkled face. Massive chunks of stone plunged from the ceiling and splashed into the water all around him, but he didn’t care. His encounter with the prince had left him in a foul mood.

Likewise ignoring the chaos of the collapsing grotto, Seeboth levitated onto the Shadowship. At his command, the ship’s wings enfolded it like a shadowy umbrella, shielding it from the plummeting rubble.

Princess Luscious peeked out from below deck. “Oh, it’s you,” she said, the expectant smile vanishing from her face. “I was expecting a Prince Charming.”

“Him?” Seeboth asked. “He’s gone.”

She gasped. “You killed him?!”

“No, he’s just gone. Ran away.” He glanced at her and smiled. “You look beautiful, my love. Have you done something with your hair?”

“Don’t try to sweet-talk me,” Princess Luscious said. Something in her voice had changed; Seeboth could hear it. “Are you a Shadow Wizard?” she asked.

“Only the most feared Shadow Wizard in the world,” he said with no small measure of pride.

She slapped him.

He was a little taken aback. “I… I don’t understand. What’s the matter, dearest—”

“Don’t you ‘dearest’ me!” she said. “Are you planning to sacrifice me?!”

“Well, of course,” he stammered. “I thought that’s what you wanted—”

“Are you a lunatic?! What woman wants to be sacrificed?!”

Down on the dock, pirates had begun to gather, and now they began to snicker.

Seeboth tried to urge the princess back to her cell. “Please, honey, not in front of the pirates—”

“You monster!” Princess Luscious cried. “It’s no wonder you have to find damsels in personal ads!”

The pirates laughed louder, approaching the level of actual guffaws.

By that point, Demog had heaved himself, wet and dripping, onto the dock. He looked from the pirates to his master and asked, “My lord, shall I?”

“Please do,” Seeboth said.

“How much?” Demog asked.

“One buckle should suffice,” Seeboth said.

With an obedient bow, Demog undid the first brass buckle on his chest. A mass of shadowy tentacles surged from the hollow space within him and stabbed into the eyes of each no-longer-laughing pirate.





What happened next would most likely drive you mad with fear should I relay it to you in its entirety. Because I value your readership, and because I assume you desire to retain your sanity until the end of this story, I will spare you the grisly details and recount only the most salient points.

Demog scared the pirates.

To put a finer point on it, he scared the pirate ship out of them.

A Terror has the unique ability to become its victim’s greatest fear and does so to feed on all the tasty bodily humours secreted and seasoned by those fears.

The clothing worn by a Terror — that signature black leather armor with its four brass buckles — is not actually armor at all. Rather, it is a stylish, form-fitting prison designed to contain what writhes within a Terror’s chest cavity. The black, oily essence of Fear Incarnate forever seethes within the cage of a Terror’s ribs, trapped behind the bars of a Terror’s bones. It feeds on the fear of its victims, it is altogether freaky, and it is always and forever hungry.

As a result, there is nothing more horrifying in all the Netherhells than a Terror suffering from the munchies.