Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(21)

At that point, the entire bar turned in tandem. Every single patron wore a red carnation tucked in their lapel.

“Don’t give us no trouble, Bravado,” growled the second thug.

“Don’t suppose I could ask for the same courtesy…?” Jack asked.





Elsewhere along the docks, a huge lion stared Paul directly in the face. Upon closer inspection, though, its un-lionness became more readily apparent, and its utter Sphinxness began to shine through.

The Sphinx in question formed the figurehead of a strange, double-masted ship. To be fair, the ship was not so much strange as it was simply absurd. The entirety of the craft resembled a Sphinx crouched upon the water. Massive port and starboard paws rested on the gently lapping waves. Stenciled across the prow of the ship was its name, the Sargasso Sphinx.

Paul shook his head in defeat. “A Singing Sword, now this…”

Insulted, the Sword bounced in the scabbard at Paul’s hip. “I don’t need to take this abuse,” said the mouth sculpted into its pommel, and then it began to sing.



LA-LA-LA-



I’m-not-listening-to-you-anymore-



LA-LA-LA-



I-can’t-hear-you-



LA-LA-LA—





Paul clamped a hand over the Sword’s mouth but only managed to muffle the sound into a kind of kazoo-like buzz.

The courier checked some papers in his hand. “The Sargasso Sphinx is on retainer with the Lottery. Unfortunately, it’s the only ship they have in port at the moment. Apparently this is peak questing season.”

Tentatively, Paul climbed up the gangplank and mounted the deck.

“Hello? Captain? Um… ahoy?”

No response.

Something the courier had said suddenly came back to Paul. “Why is it ‘unfortunate’?”

The courier made a strange face before proceeding. “The captain, he’s not what one would call… entirely stable. He suffers from conspiracy fantasies. Thinks someone is out to get him. But please, don’t worry. The man knows how to pilot a ship. Let me go look for him. I’m sure he’s on his way.”





At that precise moment, Jack Bravado was on his way through the front window of the tavern, accompanied by a shower of broken glass and an angry mob of cutlass-wielding pirates.





Left alone on the ship, Paul poked his head down the hatch. “Hello?”

Still no reply.

He pivoted back toward the deck, only to come face to face with Laura the Handmaiden. Startled, he stumbled backward and fell down the hatch with a crash.

As Laura followed him, she couldn’t help but say, “Luscious, I think you’re in trouble.”

Paul had landed in the captain’s cabin, a spacious but neglected room. Maps, diagrams, and news-scroll clippings completely plastered the walls, titles screaming from the pages in lurid calligraphy.



WHITETHORNE SLAIN IN BATTLE





CHIVALRY IS DEAD!





SHIELD TRIBUNAL CONCLUDES: LONE ARCHER!





While Paul untangled himself from a pile of dirty laundry at the foot of the stairs, Laura paused and observed him from the bottom step.

“You know, you really don’t act like a prince,” she said.

“You… you startled me,” Paul replied.

“Luscious deserves so much better than this,” she said.

Paul couldn’t disagree with her. He also couldn’t meet her eyes. Unwrapping a pair of long underwear from his leg, he asked, “Um… what are you doing here?”

“I’m coming along,” she said. Now it was her turn to look away. “You see — this is a little embarrassing — but this whole thing may be my fault…”





Jack Bravado skidded around a warehouse at the far end of the dock and ran smack into the courier.

“Bravado!” cried the courier. “At last, there you are—”

“Hi, Bob!” Jack said, grabbing the man’s arm and dragging him along. “I’m kinda in a hurry. There’s this gang of pirates right behind me trying to kill me—”

The courier named Bob had heard it all before. He ran beside Jack and shoved a scroll into his hands. “No time for your paranoid babbling, Bravado! Emergency charter from the Lottery. The emperor’s daughter was kidnapped and the emperor wants you—”

That stopped Jack in his tracks, and he looked Bob square in the face. “Me? Why? Has he forgiven me?”

“Well, no, not exactly,” said Bob. “It’s a suicide Quest.”

“Oh,” said Jack, and he started to run again.

A short distance ahead, the Sargasso Sphinx rocked peacefully in its berth.

The courier raced to catch up. “But if by some miracle you survive and help save Luscious, the emperor will reinstate you — Knight of the Oblong Shield, First Class!”

“And… if I refuse?”

“He’ll feed you to his Dragon. After feeding you to his lions. After feeding you to his dogs—”

Skittering to a stop at the bottom of the gangplank, Jack said, “Sounds like we still have a few issues to work out. But, I’ll do it.”