Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(18)

“’Tis a wondrous Quest, is it not, my lords?” he said. “The Princess Luscious, such a lovely prize. So… let’s get this over with and see who must die — I mean go.”

Without any additional fanfare, he opened the door and allowed the Poxie to fly inside the bin with Paul’s token, where she dropped it into the pile among the rest.

As usual, he gave the barrel a spin.

As usual, the Poxie hovered among the tumbling wooden chits.

But this time, instead of settling for the first token to fall into her hands, she looked at it, cast it aside, and then grabbed another. She did this again and again and again. The suspense in the room became deadly. It went on so long, the Bard banged on the side of the bin to urge her along.

Finally, the Poxie found the token she wanted and knocked on the door. The bard let her out and the tiny creature winked at King Sterling.

He winked back with the smuggest of smug smiles in the entire history of recorded smugness.

The bard took the token, closed his eyes, and bowed his head as if offering up a prayer to any god who might care to listen. “And the winner is…” He opened his eyes and read. “Why, it’s a newcomer to our midst — Prince Paul of Lilypine.”

Thunder crashed, and a collective sigh gushed from the room as if the tavern itself had been holding its breath. At every table, princes and their fathers cheered with relief. Some began to weep. But Paul shrank into the wall, mortified by what he had just heard.

“No,” he said, shaking his head, his eyes frantic. “No, there’s been a mistake. I can’t… I can’t do this—”

“Get thee up there!” King Hofnar said. He jumped up, wobbled for a moment, and then hoisted Paul to his feet. “They be cheering for thee.”

“No, I don’t think that’s why they’re cheering—”

“What’s wrong, Hofnar? Is your son afraid?” King Sterling called out. He smacked Savage on the back and said, “Pity to waste such a glorious Quest on one such as him. Perhaps Savage should go instead…”

“What?!” Savage squeaked. “But Father—” King Sterling smacked his back again, harder this time, and Savage shut his mouth.

“No!” King Hofnar cried, escorting Paul down to the stage himself. “Paul was chosen! Paul wilt go!”

“Good!” Savage said quickly. “Then Paul ‘wilt’ die. It takes more than a crown to be a Prince Charming — and you lot can’t even afford a decent crown!”

King Hofnar spun, quicker than Paul had imagined possible, and shoved Savage with both of his massive hands. The arrogant prince went crashing across the table in a spray of juice and egg yolks.

“Paul be more of a prince than thou wilt ever be!” King Hofnar declared. “And he shalt finish this Quest!”

Paul couldn’t believe it. He had never heard his father speak of him this way before. Without realizing it, he stood a little straighter.

“He wilt make me proud!” King Hofnar said.

“You sound certain,” King Sterling said.

“I be certain,” King Hofnar declared.

“Why, you sound like a man certain enough to stake his entire kingdom on it,” King Sterling continued.

“Father—” Paul said. Warning bells had begun going off in his head.

“I be such a man!” King Hofnar replied.

“Well then, I accept your wager!” King Sterling said.

“I be — wager? What wager?” The conversation had suddenly taken a very unexpected turn, and King Hofnar was having a hard time recalibrating his trajectory.

“Our kingdoms on the Quest!” King Sterling said. “Let all nobles here assembled bear witness! Should Paul succeed, I will forfeit Illigoz to Hofnar. But, should Paul fail, Hofnar must surrender Lilypine to me and my army — unless, of course, he’s not so certain after all.”

“Father, don’t do this—”

King Hofnar glanced at the other monarchs watching the exchange and his pride took over, which was truly unfortunate. The only thing more out of control than a barbarian’s berserker rage was his berserker pride. “So be it!” He shook King Sterling’s hand viciously.

King Sterling sneered. “You’re a fool, Hofnar. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an invasion to plan.”

Laughing, he and Savage departed, but the haughty prince paused at the door to shoot one final look at Paul. He drew a finger slowly across his throat like a knife blade… and then he hacked and slashed at himself with that finger, making all manner of horrific faces.

Paul turned from the ridiculous spectacle to face his father. “Did you mean what you just said?”

“Thou wilt do this, my son,” King Hofnar replied, his words softer than Paul had ever heard them. “Thou must.”

Unable to help himself, Paul tried to embrace his father, but the king held him away.

“Men… do not behave thus,” he said.

Paul nodded and stepped back. “I’ll make you proud of me. And I’ll save Lilypine. I promise.”

“Of course thou wilt,” King Hofnar said with a smile. “But just in case, I must away to Lilypine — I have an army to build! Bet or no, a man never yields without a fight!”

And with that, King Hofnar bounded out the door. It wasn’t quite the farewell Paul had hoped for, but he had little time to think about it. Already, the bard was pulling him onto the stage.