Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(16)
Jeremy nodded. “The altar will be ready by the full moon, my lord, just in time for the planetary conjunction.”
Seeboth’s brows furrowed, tilting sharply toward his nose like a trapdoor dropping a victim onto a bed of spikes. “Jeremy, what did I tell you about speaking?”
“Oh… um… I’m sorry my lord,” Jeremy stammered. “I mean, um, urrrr…”
“Your brain had best finish rotting if it knows what’s good for you,” Seeboth growled. “Go stand in the sun or something!”
Seeboth waved his hand again and Jeremy disappeared, replaced by a surveillance view of Princess Luscious in her cell. Even as she danced back and forth between the rat and the mold, she was nevertheless a vision of white amid the blackness of her cell. Seeboth couldn’t look away.
“What makes her so special to you?” Demog asked. He had stopped outside the hatch, unwilling to approach the concentrated cuteness of the puppies.
“Demog, the Spell of Unmaking is very specific,” Seeboth said distractedly, his eyes still fixed on the image of Princess Luscious. “The magic won’t work unless I fall in love with a princess. Now typically, love is not easy for a Shadow Wizard to find, but… she wants me. I’ve searched far and wide, from one age to another, for a special someone like her, and… and… she’s so beautiful… don’t you think?”
“Yes. Truly a special find, my lord.” Demog spat out the foul-tasting words then said pointedly, “Of course, you’ll have to sacrifice her at the full moon, but with her death…” His voice trailed off.
Seeboth finally turned from the mirror with a wicked glint in his eye, more wicked than any of the previous wicked glints he had displayed so far that night. “With her death, I shall finally become a god.”
“We make haste to Treasury Island, then?” Demog asked.
“No, the pirates can wait.”
“But, my lord—”
“There’s wooing to be done, Demog! We’ll be taking the scenic route tonight.”
“Yes, my lord.” Demog sighed then departed to carry out the dark wizard’s somewhat-less-than-dark command.
With a triumphant “Whoop!” Seeboth scooped up one of his puppies and cuddled it against his evil face. “Love is grand, isn’t it, Canker?”
The puppy ignored him completely; he was far too busy gnawing on something that might have been a finger bone.
11
THE SPELL OF UNMAKING
Thousands of years ago, the mad monk Clavicus Convex created a spell that not even he was mad enough to cast. If he had, I would not be here telling you this story right now, and you would not be there reading it. Rather, both you and I — along with everything else — would be little more than whiffs of something called quantum particles, which, if you are unschooled in the ways of magic, you may simply think of as the Eraser Shavings of the Universe.
Convex attempted to destroy all of his research, but not before a group of slightly-less-mad monks within his monastery realized the incredible tithe-generating potential of their brother’s discovery. These monks worshiped at the Chapel of Marketing where they tended the Altar of Prawfut, the Prophet of Profit. Because their salvation was contingent upon hitting divinely ordained revenue targets, they were heedless of the spell’s inherent dangers, seeing only its potential profitability.
Before Convex could stop them, these marketing monks hand-copied hundreds of illuminated promotional brochures and leaked them to the world. They read as follows:
Art thou tired of being the sorcerous equivalent of a 98-pound weakling?
Then the Spell of Unmaking is for you!
Become the life force of every party!
Be worshiped, literally, by millions around the world!
Out with the old gods, in with the YOU!
Shatter the walls between realities!
Rewrite the laws that bind men’s souls!
With the Spell of Unmaking, all you need to become THE SUPREME BEING is: - a knife
- an attitude
- and one virgin princess to love and to sacrifice!
Although the spell itself vanished from history, the press release lived on, and it inspired countless wizards throughout the ages to seek out the lost power it promised.
Unfortunately, that lost power was no longer lost.
More unfortunately, it had been found by the dark wizard Seeboth, Lord of Shadows.
Even more unfortunately… actually, there was nothing more unfortunate. The Spell of Unmaking in the hands of Seeboth was just about as unfortunate as things could get.
12
THE QUESTIONABLE QUEST
The morning sun, not yet realizing its full potential, cast a warm, gentle light through the windows of the Lottery. Something about the nurturing quality of that light caused every cup of coffee it touched to taste just a little bit better.
Every golden egg yolk it caressed glowed in sloppy splendor.
And every puddle of drool sparkled like a spectacular sea. At the moment, only one such puddle of drool existed within the Lottery. It had pooled beneath King Hofnar’s snoring, bearded face where he lay slumped upon a small corner table, sleeping off a furious hangover.