Before I Saw You(90)

Go outside.

No.

Yes.

It’s pitch black.

Exactly! It’s perfect.

I can’t go outside now.

Why not?

It’s dangerous.

Is slowly rotting away alone in your flat any less dangerous?

Why wasn’t there a way to mute your own thoughts? Surely someone had invented an off switch for the brain by now?

Go on. Just for five minutes.

Try it.

This isn’t living, Alice. This is a slow death.

Perhaps it was sleep deprivation or insanity; whatever it was, before she knew it she was standing at her front door with her coat thrown over her pyjamas.

If you’re going to do it, just do it.

Her hand reached for the door handle. Her head felt dizzy with adrenaline, and every last drop of moisture had evaporated from her mouth.

‘Fuck it.’

And for the first time in ten days, Alice stepped outside her flat. The lights in the hallway flashed on and the brightness burnt her eyes.

Good God, what the hell was she doing?

You’re here now – just go!

She ran to the lift in panic, jabbing the call button relentlessly. The moment the doors opened she threw herself in; she was like a woman possessed. As the lift jolted into life, Alice closed her eyes tightly.

Breathe.

All you need to do is breathe.

Was it always this slow? Claustrophobia began to set in. She squeezed her palms tightly, fingernails digging into her skin.

As soon as the lift opened again, Alice hurled herself out and through the front doors.

The cold air hit her immediately, its chill catching in her chest and stealing the breath from her lungs. She gasped, gulping thirstily for more. She stared upwards at the sky, the stars thrown haphazardly across the velvet backdrop casting their pins of light on to her. The wind whipped through her hair and grazed her bare flesh. She closed her eyes and simply stood with her arms out wide, head thrown upwards, begging for the breeze to lift her up and carry her away.

‘You OK, Miss?’

Alice’s heart dropped. She snapped her eyes open and frantically tried to search out who’d spoken.

‘Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.’

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she clocked the outline of a person walking towards her.

‘I don’t mean any harm. I just want to check you’re OK?’

She stumbled backwards, further into the shadows.

‘I’m fine,’ she croaked, sounding anything but fine. ‘I just needed some air.’

‘You and me both. Thankfully I’ve got Bruno here as an excuse to get outdoors.’

The cold wet nose of a dog sniffled at her feet.

‘Holy shit!’

‘You’re not scared of dogs, are you? Sorry, it’s hard to see where he’s gone at night. Bruno, come back here, you bloody idiot.’

If she weren’t so petrified of being seen, Alice would be laughing at the absurdity of this situation. Her heightened senses from the ward kicked back in as she tried to paint a picture of this man from his voice. He was old, definitely. Frail but with a deep resistance to admitting it. There was a fire in him that Alice could feel burning through the cold night.

‘I’m Fred, by the way. I live just over there on the new estate. Bruno’s getting on a bit now, but every time I can’t sleep, I like to come out and give him a quick walk. Good for clearing the head, you know. How come you’re out so late?’

How come she always attracted the talkers?

‘Couldn’t sleep,’ she murmured.

‘Ever since my wife passed I’ve barely managed to get a solid hour a night. God bless her. Married for over fifty years and then, just like that, she’s gone.’

Alice’s mind instantly went to Mr Peterson and Agnes. Her heart strained in her chest at the thought of them.

‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ She really was.

‘Thank you. On the whole it’s fine – Bruno and I make a good pair – but I suppose I get a bit lonely, you know?’

She did know. More than she’d care to admit.

‘So now, what’s the real reason a young lady like yourself is standing outside in the middle of the night?’

Alice wasn’t entirely sure what made her do it. Could fresh air make you delirious? Perhaps the rush of oxygen to her brain was causing reckless abandon, or maybe the night had numbed her fear temporarily.

‘I was in an accident a couple of months ago. I got discharged from hospital nearly two weeks ago and tonight is the first time I’ve left home. Think I was at risk of going stir crazy holed up in my flat.’

‘Can I ask what happened?’

He hadn’t moved from his spot, and she was grateful for the distance that remained between them.

‘There was a fire in my office building and I got caught in it. Badly.’

‘I see.’

‘I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear any of this, you don’t even know me!’ She desperately looked round for the quickest way back inside.

‘I asked you the question! You’re simply doing me the honour of answering it.’

Alice smiled.

‘I guess so.’

‘Can I ask you another question?’ There was such frailty in his voice that it made Alice want to bundle him up and get him inside for his own safety.