Before I Saw You(88)

‘Don’t you dare, Alice.’ Sarah was angry now; Alice didn’t even need to see her to know that. ‘You are not a freak. Do you hear me? You are more than your looks – you always have been and you always will be.’

‘That’s easy for you to say.’

And with that Alice hung up.

Barely two seconds passed before the screen flashed brightly.

Sarah Mansfield would like FaceTime Audio



It took every piece of energy she had to answer.

‘Come on, Al. You don’t even need to look at me – just please talk to me.’

‘I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like everything is the same but I don’t quite fit properly, if that makes sense? Part of me wants to be back at work and distracted, and then another part is terrified of showing my face outside. I feel trapped. I had these stupid fantasies that this operation would fix me. That I’d return to normal in some miraculous fucking transformation. But no. Instead I’m stuck like this and it breaks my heart.’

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Alice could feel the weight lifting ever so slightly from her shoulders.

‘I’m so sorry, Alice. I really, really am.’ Sarah’s voice cracked. ‘But I’m guessing that’s all part of the process, right? You’re adjusting. It’s going to take time. But whether you choose to go back to work or not is irrelevant right now. The most important thing is accepting that you can’t hide away in your flat for ever. Even if you just go and stand outside your building for five minutes every day, at least that’s something! You have to take it one step at a time, my love.’

Resistance suddenly rose up inside her. Why couldn’t she stay hidden away all the time?

Something had been jogged in her memory.

Alfie.

What were the words she’d said to him?

You’re saying you’d rather I spend the rest of my life hiding? Hiding away from people, from new places, new experiences. Hiding behind these fucking hideous curtains? I want more, Alfie. I never thought I’d say it but I do.

‘Al, you still there or have you hung up on me again?’

‘No, sorry, I’m still here. I was just thinking about something.’

‘Let me guess … Alfie?’

Alice could practically see the Cheshire cat smile creep on to Sarah’s face.

‘Have you spoken to him since he left hospital?’

‘No.’ Alice wanted to move off this subject as quickly as possible. ‘And I don’t want to.’

‘Well, you know what I think, don’t you?’

‘Go on …’ Alice was grateful she’d moved on but could sense the hint of mischief in her voice.

‘I think you should file for an insurance claim against your office building’s maintenance company, get a massive payout, and come and stay with me in Australia! Fuck staying in miserable London!’

Alice laughed. ‘And then you build me a granny flat and I become a permanent third wheel?’

‘I’m serious! OK, maybe not about the granny flat, but I’ve been thinking about it. I even asked Raph and he said you’d have a good chance of winning a case.’

Oh shit, she really was serious.

‘Thanks, but I can’t think about that right now. Maybe let’s prioritize me leaving my flat first? Small steps and all that.’

‘Fine. But if you want advice, Raph is more than happy to chat.’

Alice knew that it wasn’t fine and that Sarah wouldn’t be letting this go any time soon.

‘OK, thank you. Anyway … fill me in on life in Oz. What’s new?’

As Sarah launched into a full-blown day-by-day account of her life, Alice let her mind wander.

She was finding it hard to slot back neatly into her life as it had been before the accident – maybe, just maybe, that wasn’t the answer.

Maybe she did need to create a new life.

A new life surrounded by the people who loved her.

Alfie.

Sarah’s words flashed in front of her eyes.

He loves you. You know he does.

Alice hated how every time she thought of him, any hope she held about meeting up with him would be extinguished by the cynicism. How could he have loved her without ever seeing her? That was the work of movies and fiction. Plus, even if he did, Alice was certain that love would disappear the moment he laid eyes on her. She needed to forget him. And if she wanted to move on and away to the other side of the world, she needed to forget him fast.





67


Alfie





‘Sweetheart, are you sure you’re doing OK? You haven’t come over in weeks and we can barely get hold of you on the phone.’

This was exactly why Alfie had been avoiding her; it hurt too much to hear how deeply his mum cared. It also made the guilt one hundred times worse.

‘Sorry, I’m just so caught up with planning my return to work that I can’t seem to keep track of time.’

No. The lying was why he avoided her. He hated lying to her.

She paused. He could already sense the hesitation.

‘It’s just, we actually got a phone call from your headteacher … Mr Wilson.’

His mind frantically tried to search for excuses and cover-ups, but every time he hit a blank.