Before I Saw You(87)

‘Got help?’

‘Yeah … you know.’ Tom nibbled cautiously at the crust of his sandwich. ‘Professional help.’

The penny dropped.

‘You’re telling me you think I need to see a shrink.’ Alfie had been here many times before and he wasn’t ready to entertain going back again.

‘It’s just a suggestion.’ Tom held his hands up in defence. ‘I won’t pretend I know half the things you’re going through, but I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to do everything on your own. Sometimes just talking about stuff can help take off the load.’

‘Appreciate it, mate, but I’m genuinely fine. In fact, I’m meant to be meeting someone in a few minutes so, if you don’t mind, you’re going to have to eat the rest of your lunch at home.’

He was already at the door before Tom could protest.

‘Of course. Not at all. Like I said, I just thought I’d check in.’

‘Thanks, mate. See you soon.’

Alfie practically hurled Tom and his half-eaten sandwiches out of the door. He looked around his flat. So what if he hadn’t tidied up in a while? It wasn’t his fault he’d been in a life-threatening accident and lost his leg. It took time to adjust back to reality. He kicked the pile of dirty washing in frustration.

Don’t need to do this alone.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

I’m fine on my own.

Maybe being alone was the easiest way to live. Maybe Alice had been right all along.





66


Alice





It had been eight days.

Eight days since Alice had left the flat.

At first she’d justified it as ‘integration time’, the chance to get used to being out of hospital and back in her old surroundings. It was a big adjustment and not one that could be rushed. Plus, with the help of online shopping and Deliveroo, Alice really had no need to venture outside. She was safe and warm and content in her flat. It was the most time she’d spent there since buying it; at least she was finally getting value for her money.

On the ninth day of isolation, her self-pitying routine was interrupted.

Message from Sarah BFF 30 August 09.35

Hey Al. I’ve got an evening off (about bloody time!) Can we FaceTime? Love you xxx



Alice stared at the message for a whole fifteen minutes.

Message to Sarah BFF 30 August 09.50

Can’t we just do a phone call? Wi-Fi isn’t great xxx

Message from Sarah BFF 30 August 09.52

Alice, don’t be ridiculous. I’m calling you in 10. Be ready xxx



Alice knew deep down that it wasn’t a big deal. Sarah had seen her at her worst. So what was the problem? Guilt started to gnaw at her insides. It wasn’t that she’d lied before. She may just have been a bit hazy on some of the details whenever Sarah had asked about the operation. She had been meaning to tell her, but it sort of felt easier to avoid it. The thought of explaining it all and having to relive the shame and disappointment was too much to bear. It felt nice keeping the secret to herself; in Sarah’s mind, all was good in the world, and Alice liked having the chance to pretend alongside her. Luckily they mainly texted back and forth, with an occasional phone call for variety. But FaceTime. That was a brand-new dimension. She couldn’t hide it any longer.

As Alice sat there trying to find excuses not to answer, it dawned on her that not only would she have to face up to telling Sarah the truth but she’d also have to face herself again. The morning after she’d got home from hospital, Alice had taken down every single mirror she owned. Even the thought of walking past one and catching her reflection worried her. Now she was about to see her face reflected back to her on the screen.

Sarah Mansfield would like FaceTime



Alice clasped the phone tightly.

For Christ’s sake, Alice. Get a grip.

She closed her eyes and hit accept.

‘Aha, she lives!’

‘Only just …’ She was suddenly aware of how dishevelled she looked. Would Sarah be able to tell she hadn’t left the flat in over a week?

‘How’s it all been? Please tell me you’ve left the flat at least once?’

Fuck.

‘Erm.’ Alice smiled coyly.

‘Alice Gunnersley!’

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ As hard as she tried, she couldn’t stop looking at the little image of herself in the top right-hand corner of the screen. In miniature form she didn’t look so bad, especially if she held the phone as far away from her face as possible.

‘So come on then, show me the new and improved you. I can barely see anything in that light.’ Sarah’s face was beaming with excitement.

‘The thing is …’ Her words felt like glue in her mouth.

‘Stop making excuses and show me! I know what you’re like, Alice, you’re just being hard on yourself.’

Tell her.

Just say it now.

‘It didn’t work!’ She practically screamed the words out.

‘What?’ Sarah’s face twisted in confusion. ‘What didn’t work?’

Alice could barely see the screen through her tears. ‘The operation. They had to abandon it. It didn’t work, Sarah. I have practically the same mess of a face you left me with. The scarring has gone down a little and it’s less red in places, but … I’m still a freak.’