Before I Saw You(92)

To do:

– Eat breakfast

– Eat lunch

– Go to reception

– Eat dinner

– Message one person



How basic could it get? But even these tiny, simple tasks felt unbelievably difficult. The anxiety that would consume her from simply walking to the lift was enough to render her speechless. Those three metres felt like three miles on some days.

The first trip she’d taken in broad daylight had been a huge milestone. Remembering it now still sent faint shivers of anxiety through her body.

You can do this, Alice.

It’s just out of the door, into the lift, outside, and back up.

Simple.

If it was so goddam simple then why did it feel like she was about to run a marathon, blindfolded, with a gun to her head?

It took four attempts to open the door, five to step outside, and three to actually get in the lift and down, but eventually Alice found herself at the front desk staring into the face of Rita, the new concierge.

‘How may I help you, Miss?’

There was staring but no repulsion.

Maybe she’s a very good actress.

Or maybe she doesn’t care?

‘Can I help you?’ Rita prompted again.

Alice realized that in fact she was the one who was staring blankly at this woman.

‘Any post for flat twenty?’

‘Let me check. One moment.’

The instant her back was turned, Alice wanted to run. She could have got an emergency phone call; she could have forgotten something important upstairs. Maybe she could say she’d left the gas on?

You are insane, Alice. Wait!

Then, just like that, Rita was back – with no post and still no judgement on her face.

‘Nothing for you today, Miss Gunnersley.’

Relief swept through her. Imagine if she’d had to take a parcel from her hand? God, no. She couldn’t stand the thought of a stranger having to touch her just yet.

You let Alfie touch you.

That was different.

Was it?

Yes. Now stop thinking about him.

‘Thanks.’ She’d gone before the word had actually left her mouth.

Back in the safety of the flat, she couldn’t quite believe how hard her heart was beating. The fear was still bubbling under the surface of her skin and every nerve felt as though it had been cut open and exposed. But amidst the chaos, Alice realized that buried away in the corner of her chest was a tiny shard of pride glowing ever so slightly. She’d done it. Step one on her road to recovery completed, and Alice felt like a small child who had written her name for the very first time.

Even though the lists had grown longer and the distance she could comfortably travel had increased, the anxiety still reared its head. She decided that she didn’t really mind when people stared. She supposed if the shoe were on the other foot she’d probably do the exact same thing; curiosity was part and parcel of human nature, after all. What she couldn’t stand, however, was the pointing and the whispering. That was the stuff that hurt. At first she’d look for it everywhere, seeking out the groups of people muttering about her in their hushed tones, but after a while she resigned herself to the fact that looking for it did nothing but make it hurt more. Let them point. Let them whisper. It wasn’t nice and it probably never would be, but Alice knew she had the resolve and strength to see it, acknowledge it and move past it. In fact, she found now that these experiences, the source of her fear, were becoming her main motivation for doing something. Proving that in spite of everything she was up and living her life was a delicious victory she got to experience nearly every day.

She’d been waiting for this next task all week. The timing had to be right as there was a lot at stake and multiple things to organize, but now it was all coming together perfectly.

Message to Sarah BFF 29 September 07.23

Hello! What are you doing two weeks on Saturday? Love you xxx

Message from Sarah BFF 29 September 08.15

You know very well that it’s my birthday! And embarrassingly at the moment we have zero plans. Who knew 33 could be so depressing! Why? You want to be my Skype date? Love you xxx

Message to Sarah BFF 29 September 09.17

How about you pick me up from the airport and we can have a proper date? Surprise! I got the payout. I’m coming to stay for two weeks! Happy birthday my love xxx

Message from Sarah BFF 29 September 09.18

Oh my God. Yes, yes, a million times yes. Unless this is a joke. In which case I will have to immediately get on a plane and kill you. I love you and can’t WAIT to see you xxx



Alice’s smug feeling lasted about five minutes before it dawned on her. What was she going to wear? The only flesh Alice had revealed outside her own bathroom was her feet and, at a push, the bottom of her calves. If she was lucky she probably had a swimming costume stuffed into the back of her wardrobe, a pathetic souvenir from a half-arsed attempt at a triathlon about three years ago.

Everything had happened so quickly she didn’t know if she was coming or going these days. The claim against the maintenance company had been processed surprisingly quickly. Whether or not they simply wanted to wash their hands of it, or if deep down they knew they didn’t have a leg to stand on, didn’t really matter to Alice. She’d got her payout and now she had the financial freedom to do what she wanted. First stop was always going to be a holiday to Australia.