Before I Saw You(95)

‘Well.’ Alfie straightened up and looked directly into Kaleb’s anxious face. ‘When people say mean things to me, the first thing I do is take a deep breath. Sometimes, I close my eyes and just take a moment to sit with how those words made me feel. Then I name those feelings: maybe it’s anger, or sadness or shame. Sometimes that’s enough for them to disappear. Other times, if they are very strong, I’ll take myself away from the situation and write down what happened. Everything. My thoughts, what I was wearing, what the other person was wearing, how I felt, what I wanted to say. I get it all out of my head and on to the paper. Then I usually tell someone I love what happened and we talk about it. Do you have someone you can talk to, Kaleb?’

The little boy’s face lit up instantly. ‘My big brother. I can tell him anything. He’s my best friend.’

Alfie’s insides melted and his heart surged in gratitude. ‘Good. Then remember, if you ever find yourself in those situations, you can always talk to your brother. You’re never alone, OK?’ He tore his eyes away from Kaleb and surveyed the entire room. ‘And … even if you don’t have an older brother, or sister, or someone you can talk to in your family, you always have me. Always.’ The sea of worried little faces nodded in unison, and Alfie prayed that they believed him.

A pale hand shot up into the air. ‘Yes, Mandy?’ Alfie asked.

‘Who do you talk to, sir?’

Alfie’s face broke into a wide grin. Even after five years, the very thought of her sent electricity through his body.

‘Most of the time, I talk to my wife, Alice.’

Hushed excitement rolled over the children in waves. ‘Can we meet her, sir?’ Mandy chirped.

‘Maybe one day. She’s a very busy woman, but I’m sure she’d love to meet you all.’

‘What does she do, sir?’ another shrill voice called out.

‘Actually, she runs her own business. She’s the clever one out of the two of us.’ He smiled. ‘But don’t tell her I said that! Anyway, are there any more questions, or are we good to finish for the day?’

Another small hand reached into the air.

‘Yes, Annie?’

‘Is she pretty, sir?’

Alfie couldn’t hold back his laugh this time. ‘Any questions not about my wife?’

*

The moment the last set of feet had filed out of the classroom, Alfie reached for his phone. He’d made a promise to himself that he would finish on time today. He couldn’t bear to spend a minute longer than needed with his phone on silent.

‘Shit,’ he cursed, seeing the time.

How was it already 4.45? The session had overrun, as it always did. He was trying not to worry, or to let his constant anxiety bubble to the surface and reveal itself to Alice, but he was struggling. The closer they got to the date, the stronger the nerves grew, and the more frustrated she became with him. She’d practically had to hurl him out of the door this morning, for fear he’d voluntarily take a day off sick to be with her. If there was one thing Alfie knew about his wife, it was that she was perfectly capable of handling almost anything by herself. It didn’t stop him fretting, though.

Alfie’s heart lurched when he saw his screen flash.

Message from Mum 30 May 15.45

Alfie, call me when you can. Don’t panic, but you just need to get to the hospital as soon as you can. Love you x



His heart was already trying to force its way out of his chest. He knew he should have stayed home. He could tell she was feeling off, even under the persistent smiles and reassurances. Shaking, he dialed his mum’s number and hurtled out of the room.

‘Mum. What’s happening?’ he shouted the second she picked up. He tore down the corridor, nodding frantically at teachers and students as he passed.

‘Jesus! At last! Thank goodness I took my phone with me to the café today, otherwise who knows what would have happened,’ his mum babbled on. Alfie tried to keep his cool, but he could feel the pressure mounting in his head.

‘Is she OK? Tell me she’s OK?’

‘Oh, she’s fine. Nothing to worry about. They just had to bring her in sooner than expected.’ Alfie appreciated how calm his mum was being, but even he could sense the apprehension in her voice. ‘How quickly can you get here?’

‘I’m on my way. I won’t be long.’ He didn’t even wait for a goodbye before hanging up and rushing out of the door.

She’ll be fine.

She’s in the best possible hands.

Breathe, Alfie. Just breathe.

Thoughts were racing through his mind and he knew if he was ever going to be able to drive, he needed to calm down. As he flung himself into his car, he rested his hands on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. What was it Linda had taught him to do in these moments? Breathe in for four. Hold for four. Out for four. Hold for four. He managed two rounds before the adrenaline coursed through his veins once more and he knew there was no more time to waste. He had to get to Alice.

*

Unfortunately, the early-evening traffic rush had other ideas. The usual twenty-minute journey ended up taking just over an hour. The entire time, Alfie had to force himself to remain in the car and not abandon all rationale and attempt to run there. Thankfully, the moment he arrived, he knew exactly where to go. Sometimes he wondered whether he would ever be able to forget the layout of the hospital that had once been his home. They had chosen St Francis’s not only because it was the closest to them, but because they both knew deep down that they wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere else.