Before I Saw You(89)

‘You know it’s OK if something’s happened. You can tell me. You don’t have to pretend to be OK if you’re not.’

His mind flashed back to Alice. How many times had he told her the very same thing? How many times had he tried to persuade her that being upset didn’t make you weak, or small or feeble? And yet here he was doing the exact opposite.

‘Alfie, say something, please. You’re scaring me.’

He knew the game was up. He didn’t want to put his mum through any more pain – she’d had a life too full of that already – but there was no hiding from it now.

‘Mum, I think I need help.’

As much as hearing the words out loud made him want to crawl into a hole and cry, the moment they were out of his mouth he couldn’t ignore the sense of relief that washed over him.

‘Oh, Alfie, can I come over?’

‘Yes, please.’ There was an urgency in his voice that surprised even him.

‘Give me twenty minutes.’

And there she was, twenty minutes later, armed with chocolate biscuits and hot coffee. He had to hand it to her: this woman knew how to handle a crisis.

‘Come in. It’s, erm, it’s a bit of a mess.’ Alfie knew there was no need for the prior warning; one look at the state of him was enough. The reason he hadn’t asked for help was that by now, everything had gone too far. He’d left the dishes to pile too high, the clothes to get too dirty, his world to get too messy. How could he bear to let anyone see this?

The shame increased with every step they took inside the flat, but not once did his mum make a comment. Not when she saw him for the first time, unwashed and unkempt. Not even when she had to pick her way through the piles of empty takeaway boxes and dirty underwear. Jane Mack kept her eyes up and a smile on her face.

‘Right.’ She stood in the middle of the living room, finally able to survey the full extent of the chaos. ‘Frankly, Alfie, you look awful. How about you take a shower and get to bed while I sort things out in here?’

‘Don’t be silly, I can’t let you do that.’

‘You don’t have a choice. There’s no way you can help anyone smelling like that.’ She smiled and pulled him into her arms.

‘Thanks, Mum.’

‘Go and rest. I’ll be here waiting when you’re ready.’

Alfie dragged himself into his bathroom. He’d been wearing the same outfit for so long he practically had to peel the clothes off. Just as he was about to step into the shower, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. How long had it been since he’d properly looked at himself? It was a sobering moment, to say the least. Standing in front of him was a man he didn’t recognize. His hair was long and greasy. His skin was dry and almost grey. Where had the life gone? Where had his sparkle gone? It was as though he was staring at a drawing of himself, familiar but flat, and slightly off somehow.

Imagine if Alice turned up now! What the hell would she think of me?

He shook the thoughts from his head and stepped under the hot, welcoming water.

One long shower and a two-hour nap later, both Alfie and the flat had been transformed.

‘Alfie, honey, wake up. I’ve got some food on the table.’

Of course she did. Not only had his mum cleaned the entire flat and put two loads of washing on, but she’d also managed to make lasagne from a fridge full of nothing.

‘Mum, what have you done?’

‘A thank you will do. Now sit down, shut up, and eat some real food for once. If I even smell another chow mein, I might vomit.’ She ruffled his now clean hair and forced a pile of steaming tomatoey goodness in front of him.

The moment the food hit his stomach, he felt a wave of comfort radiate through him.

‘Did you think you’d still be looking after me after all this time?’

‘I knew I’d signed up for life the moment I had you.’

There was no resentment in her eyes, just pure undying love. Alfie couldn’t stand to look at it for too long; he knew the guilt was waiting to strike.

‘Honestly, thank you.’ He knew the words weren’t enough, but it was the only thing he had to offer her. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’

‘You’ll make it up to me by telling me what’s going on. As soon as you’re done eating, you’re going to sit with me and explain everything. No more excuses. I need you to help me understand, OK?’

‘OK.’

It was finally time to start facing his problems.

‘Good. Now, have another helping, you look famished.’





68


Alice





On day ten she left the flat.

It may have been in the dead of night, but still she’d done it.

One of the downsides of staying cooped up inside the flat for days at a time was that sleep became elusive. Her body clock was out of sync and she had become so used to inactivity that, by the time the sun clocked off its shift and bedtime called, Alice could do nothing but lie wide awake. For hours she would count sheep, watching the minutes crawl by on the clock. No matter how hard she prayed for sleep to come and take her, it always remained hidden and just out of reach.

In her old life Alice practically thrived on no sleep. She needed four hours maximum to be able to function at her peak, and sometimes, with the help of an extra espresso, she could manage on less than three. But then again, the old Alice was full of life. There was so much to do and so many things to achieve that when her head finally hit the pillow at the end of each day, she would instantly black out. Now she was just a shell of existence. Stuck in a constant haze of sleep-deprived lethargy, it seemed the only activity she got was listening to the racing thoughts churning through her mind.