Before I Saw You(47)
Do something.
You have to do SOMETHING.
No.
He told himself the same thing over and over.
Just wait.
But he wasn’t good at waiting.
Then the idea struck him.
‘Right, ladies. I’ve got an extremely difficult crossword puzzle and it has your names written all over it.’
‘Alfie, what the hell are you doing?’ Sarah didn’t even bother to lower her voice.
‘I’m doing my puzzles – what does it sound like I’m doing?’
‘It sounds like you’re doing something no one asked you to do.’
He heard her get up and storm round to him. Why didn’t she trust him? Had she forgotten that he was the one who had got Alice to speak in the first place?
Her face was all kinds of angry.
‘I told you. I’m doing my puzzles.’ He looked at her, hoping it was all about to click into place. It clearly wasn’t. He lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘It really helped last time, remember?’
‘That was different. She was different.’
‘We can’t just sit here and do nothing.’ Alfie crossed his arms like a petulant child. Who was she to tell him off?
‘Yes, we can. And we will. OK?’
He knew that wasn’t a question.
‘Fine. I’ll do these by myself, shall I?’ He wasn’t whispering any longer. He wanted Alice to hear that he was trying and that he hadn’t given up on her. He wanted her to know that it was Sarah stopping him.
‘Oh, don’t be a selfish idiot all your life, will you?’
‘Selfish?’ Alfie’s voice was raised now. ‘How the hell am I the selfish one? I’m trying to help.’
‘Help? You think this is helping?’
‘Stop it. Both of you, just stop it!’ Alice’s voice hit him square in the chest. ‘I’m not deaf, and I’m not some sick little child that needs looking after. I don’t want your fucking pity and I don’t need your help. So do me a favour and leave me alone. Both of you.’
She was venomous, spitting poison at them with every sound she let out.
‘Sorry, Alice, we didn’t mean to upset you.’ Sarah immediately ran to her.
‘I was being stupid. It’s my fault, I wasn’t thinking.’ The words were falling out of his mouth so quickly he barely registered them.
‘I said, leave me alone.’
‘I’m sorry, Al, please—’ Sarah’s voice was thick with tears.
‘Didn’t you hear me? I said GO.’
Suddenly the silence didn’t seem such a bad option.
37
Alice
Not once in the entirety of their friendship had Alice spoken to Sarah like that. In fact, Alice struggled to remember a time when they’d even argued.
The worst part wasn’t the look on Sarah’s face afterwards.
The worst part was that Alice quite enjoyed it.
‘Alice, please. You know it’s not like that. All we want to do is help. I’ll do anything. I’ll delay my flight, I’ll tell Raph I’m never coming back if that’s what it takes, but I refuse to leave you like this.’
‘Unless you’re willing to help me die, then you might as well go.’
‘What?’ Sarah’s eyes were so wide they were practically bursting out from her skull. Her shock was repulsive.
‘I said, if you’re not willing to help me die, then go.’
Sarah turned and ran. It seemed even watching her best friend leave in floods of tears did nothing but add more fuel to the fire inside her.
Maybe she was now a monster inside and out.
38
Alfie
The moment he’d heard Sarah running, he reached for his crutches and scrambled his way out of bed. There was no time for his prosthesis; he needed to catch up with her, and fast. Despite the adrenaline coursing through him, just keeping her in sight was a challenge as Sarah was a pretty quick mover. He needed to focus. With so many people milling about in the corridors, he knew one lapse of concentration could result in losing her.
He’d known there was a side to Alice that could cut people out and push them away. He’d been on the receiving end of her deathly silences before. But that? That was downright cruel.
‘Sarah!’ He had to resort to shouting after her; he was tiring slightly and the crowds in reception were making it difficult for him to keep up. ‘Sarah, stop!’
She turned her head briefly but carried on going.
Although she was short, her bright blonde hair marked her out in the crowd like a light bulb. He eventually spotted her at the very edge of the smoking area, bent over, head in her hands.
‘Christ, you’re fast.’
He rested his back against the wall and paused for a moment to recover. Now he was out here, he wasn’t quite sure what to say.
‘Are you OK?’
Suddenly, she jerked her face up to the sky and screamed so loudly everyone within a two-metre radius took a step back. How could such a small human make so much noise? Alfie had to admit he was a little impressed.
‘Sarah, it’s OK—’
‘She wants to die, Alfie. Did you hear her? She wants to die.’