Before I Saw You(46)

They both laughed. Alfie couldn’t ignore the purr of contentment that had settled in his stomach.

‘I thought I’d give annoying you a break for a while, and focus my energy into something else. Now it’s paid off I reckon I can spare some time to aggravate you again. I know you’ve missed it.’

‘Trust me, without your constant flow of inane bullshit bombarding my eardrums, I’ve been able to watch Homes Under the Hammer in peace every day. It’s been an absolute delight.’

Suddenly and very subtly, his expression changed. He reached for Alfie’s hand and held it gently. Alfie felt it was like clasping a tiny bird, so fragile and small that its bones felt dangerously breakable in his grip.

‘Alice is lucky to have you, boy. In fact, we all are.’ The old man’s eyes lingered on Alfie’s momentarily before turning to look at the TV.

There were so many things Alfie wanted to say, yet he couldn’t find the words. All he could do was softly squeeze the paper-thin hand that remained resting in his palm, and join him in pretending to be interested in the daytime TV show. He managed to keep Mr Peterson awake for a good hour before the old man dozed off. Alfie sat with him a little longer before resigning himself to bed and boredom.

The silence behind the curtain continued into the night. He could just about make out a couple of grunts and mumbles, but they were few and far between. Sarah remained dutifully until Nurse Bellingham decided enough was enough.

‘Sarah, how many times do I have to tell you, visitors are not allowed to stay beyond 4 p.m. I don’t care how special you consider yourself or how many of the other nurses allow you to break the rules; if I catch you again, I will have to report you.’

‘I’m sorry, it’s just been a really tough day and I was—’

‘Getting your things and leaving? Yes, please do that.’

Before she left, Sarah popped her head around to say goodnight.

‘How is she?’ he mouthed silently.

The look in her eye told him all he needed to know.

He nodded in acknowledgement.

She tried to smile, but the sadness wouldn’t let her.

And there he was. Back to square one, drowning in the silence again.





35


Alice


Get me out of this body.

Get me out of this fucking useless disgusting body.

You’re a freak, Alice.

You’re a damaged twisted-looking freak.

You’re not OK.

You’re anything but OK.

They lied to you.

They all fucking lied to you.





36


Alfie





‘Hey, can I come in?’

Sarah’s voice was barely a whisper but somehow it roused him from his sleep.

‘Yeah. You OK?’

He was careful not to speak too loudly; he didn’t think it would be a good thing if Alice overheard them talking about her. Sarah had opted for a bizarre half-whisper, half-mime tactic.

‘Did she say anything last night?’ The tiny flicker of hope in her eyes made Alfie’s heart sink.

He shook his head. He’d known that last night was not the right time for conversation. He’d had to endure listening to Sarah’s painful attempts to get Alice to speak all afternoon, and he knew that if she couldn’t then there was absolutely no hope for him. He might have been optimistic but he definitely wasn’t stupid.

Maybe this was a chance for him to wean himself off her.

You’re getting too attached, Alfie.

No. That wasn’t it. Despite what Mr Peterson had said and regardless of how he felt hearing her voice every day, Alfie knew that all he wanted to do was help. She was his friend. And besides, he knew what it felt like to wake up one day and feel like a different person overnight. Alfie could instantly recall the first time he’d seen his wound properly. It wasn’t so much the blood and gore of it that shocked him but the realization that something had been taken from him. Something he would never get back. It was the pain of lacking that tore him up. The knowledge that forever more he would be incomplete. It was more overwhelming than anyone could have prepared him for, so he had stayed silent last night. He needed to give her space, time to breathe and time to accept.

‘Right. Well, wish me luck. I’m going in.’

He attempted his best consolatory smile and watched her go. It was almost as though his entire being was on red alert. His ears strained to hear every sound she made, praying Alice’s voice would join in the noise.

‘Hey Al, it’s me. I’m coming in.’

Silence.

‘You OK this morning?’

Nothing.

Alfie’s heart was beating so loudly now he was scared it would drown out any potential signs of life from Alice.

Much to his dismay, all that followed was the scraping of a chair and the sound of Sarah sitting down on it.

‘I’ll let you sleep if you want, I’m just going to sit here and read for a while.’

Was she really not going to say one word, not even to her best friend?

As the day wore on, the silence became stifling. He found himself torn between getting up to distract himself and staying put in case she decided to speak. With every wordless hour that passed, he found an unnamed sense of pressure building inside him.