Before I Saw You(45)

Even as he said them, the words felt empty.

‘No!’ Her voice hit him hard. ‘You didn’t see her, Alfie. It was like she became someone else, a shell of a human. There was nothing left inside her.’ She shook her head vigorously. ‘And for the first time in my life I don’t have a clue what to do to help her.’

Alfie pulled her close to him. How could he not have seen the signs? His attention had been so focused on Alice that he’d missed them all. The constant upbeat humour, the distracting busyness, the ever-optimistic attitude: all of these were the exact same tactics that Alfie employed in difficult situations to deflect the pain away from him. Alice had nearly died. Sarah’s best friend had been through the most traumatic and terrifying experience of her life, and she was halfway across the world when it happened.

He’d never even asked Sarah if she was OK.

Eventually her breathing started to slow. Her body stilled and a calmness flooded them both.

‘First and foremost, you can wipe your face on this. My gift for being such an unaware, self-absorbed idiot.’ He handed her his jumper.

‘Thank you.’ She buried her head in the fabric.

‘Secondly, you have to trust that it will be OK. She will be OK. Losing a part of yourself is hard. It took me weeks before I could look down at my wound without wanting to vomit, or scream, or cry. Sometimes I’d do all three at once. It gets better. Slowly and often painfully, but it does.’

Sarah smiled weakly.

‘Thirdly, you can keep that if you want.’ He nodded at the jumper. ‘Not sure I like you that much to wear your snot just yet.’

‘Thank you, you’re so sweet.’ She flashed him a sarcastic smile, then the facade dropped again. ‘Seriously though, I thought I was going to explode in there, so thank you for listening. The last thing Alice needs is to see me cry.’

‘Actually, maybe it’s exactly what she needs to see. Maybe she needs to see the fear to understand how important it is that she lives. Be honest with her. You’re probably the only person she’ll listen to.’

He didn’t realize quite how sad it would make him to say that last part.

‘Was.’ She nudged him gently. ‘I was the only person she’d listen to. Don’t forget now there’s you too.’ She smiled at him with such gratitude it caught him off guard. ‘I want you to promise me that you’ll look after her when I’ve gone. No matter how much she pushes you away or tries to convince you she doesn’t care. She needs you. She wants you to be there. She’s just not very good at knowing it.’

Electricity sparked inside his stomach.

‘You didn’t even need to ask. I’m not going anywhere.’

She reached out and hugged him. ‘Thank you. Now, let’s get back before she thinks we’ve run off and had an affair. Plus, it takes you fucking ages to move anywhere anyway.’

Sarah was back. The mask in place and the warrior poised for battle. Alfie had to hand it to her; she was even better at this than he was.

‘Sure thing … although you might want to give my jumper back if you don’t want people to think we’ve spent the last twenty minutes having wildly passionate sex.’ He winked at her, pulled himself up and walked away as quickly as he could.

*

Alfie was hoping that by the time they returned to the ward, the shock would have miraculously worn off and Alice would give them an earful for disappearing, but she didn’t say a word for the rest of the day.

Without her, time seemed to pass at a pace that was slow even for Alfie. With nothing but his thoughts for company, he found himself feeling claustrophobic and anxious. As much as he tried to distract himself, Alfie couldn’t take his mind off her. He found himself straining to imagine her reflection, different faces with different levels of damage flashing through his mind over and over again. Part of him wished he’d asked Sarah what she looked like when they were outside, but a bigger part of him knew that was not the point.

It was getting too much. The thinking. The hypothesizing. He needed to do something.

Alfie craned his neck to see if Mr Peterson was sleeping, but to his surprise the old man was sitting upright and staring blankly at his TV.

‘Hey, Mr P, mind if I come and sit with you for a bit?’

‘Oh, so you still remember who I am then?’ The old man feigned surprise.

‘Trust me, it would take several lifetimes to forget you.’

‘Ach, do me a favour. You couldn’t give two shits about me now you’re smitten.’

‘What on earth are you talking about?’ Alfie pretended not to know, but there was a panicked feeling rising in his stomach as he hurriedly made his way to his friend’s bedside.

‘Don’t play dumb with me, kid.’ He nodded his head in Alice’s direction. ‘Look at you, pink as a bloody lobster! It’s all right, boy. There’s only so much fun you can have with an elderly git like me. Now, do you want to sit down or are you going to continue to hover at the end of my bed like a bloody fly on shit?’

Alfie could feel his cheeks burning red.

‘You’ve done a good job with her though, I have to say.’

‘What do you mean?’ He was trapped in his own blur of thoughts.

‘I mean, you’ve done a good job at getting her to talk. She’s really opened up around you. Everyone can see it. Well … hear it.’