Before I Saw You(44)

‘Oh, Al.’ Sarah wrapped her arms around her and kissed the top of her head. ‘It’s going to be OK. Like I said, I’m right here next to you the entire time. You just tell me when you’re ready. No rush. And you know what? We don’t even have to do it today. We can just put the mirror in the corner and drink the champagne. It’s all up to you.’

‘Now. Please. Let’s just do it now.’

Sarah nodded, sensing the urgency in her voice.

Alice closed her eyes and took some deep breaths. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her chest that her entire body vibrated with the force. Her mouth went bitterly dry. Her breath was like a trapped bird flapping wildly in her throat. Suddenly she felt the warmth of her friend next to her. Their hands found each other without thought.

‘Whenever you’re ready, tell me and I’ll hold the mirror up to you, OK?’

Alice squeezed Sarah’s hand so tightly she could almost feel her circulation stop. ‘Hold it up.’

She must have stayed like that for a good three minutes, mirror positioned, eyes shut.

‘I’m going to open my eyes now.’ Saying it out loud was the only way she was able to hold herself accountable. Sarah remained silent, knowing no reply was needed. ‘I’m opening them.’

The smallest crack of light broke through the darkness. The blurred background of her curtained cubicle started to appear. Slowly, she allowed more and more light to enter. She could make out the figure of Sarah on her right side and the curtain that separated her from Alfie on her left. She blinked. Sudden focus. The outline of the mirror. A reflection. The shape of a face. Half of a person she recognized. Long auburn hair, thick and wavy, framing her freckled face. Same full lips. Same dark chestnut eyes. Same fine bone structure. Same Alice she’d seen a thousand times over. But wait. Someone had altered the other half of the picture. As though she was a candle that had been left to melt on one side. No hair. Red thick scarred skin stretching over lips and nose and eye. Mottled. Damaged. A patchwork quilt of flesh that had been crudely stitched together using other people’s materials.

Bile rose in her throat. She wanted to scream. To cry. To be sick. She wanted that mirror out of her face and never to see this reflection again. But she was frozen. Frozen staring at this poor broken version of herself. The tears came but she didn’t even notice. Alice was transfixed.

‘Al?’ Sarah was trying to bring her round from her stupor. There was nothing Alice could do but stare. ‘Alice … do you want me to do anything? Are you OK?’

Alice shook her head. Her pillows were sodden with tears but still she didn’t move. For over twenty minutes she stayed there staring, trying despairingly to absorb and process the reflection that now belonged to her. It was an unwelcome gift she was now burdened with. No returns policy. No exchanges.

She was staring into the new face of Alice Gunnersley. And it broke every last piece of her heart to look at it.





34


Alfie





‘Alfie, where the hell have you been?’ Sarah was standing just outside the entrance to the ward.

‘I went for a walk, why?’

‘Can we talk?’

As much as he loved Sarah, all he could think about was crashing out on his bed with a trusty puzzle book for company. ‘I’m kind of tired, can it wait until later?’

‘I don’t have long.’ She looked nervously over her shoulder. ‘She thinks I’m on the phone to my mum.’

Alfie’s stomach turned to ice. ‘What’s going on?’

‘I’ll explain outside.’

‘OK, let’s go.’

Together they made their way in silence down the tepid beige corridors and out into the fresh air. The courtyard acted as a refuge for patients, visitors and hospital staff alike. Alfie often wondered what conversations the plants were privy to in this tiny corner of the world. What pain had they breathed in through their leaves and what miracles had their flowered faces shone upon? It was thankfully fairly empty today; the rolling grey cloud cover was keeping people safely inside the sanctuary of Costa.

‘Do you want to sit?’ He pointed in the direction of a swinging bench in the corner.

‘Sure.’

The moment she sat down on the seat the sobbing began, racking her body so strongly the entire swing shook. Alfie rested his hand on her back, willing himself to be patient.

‘I’m so terrified to leave her, Alfie. I’m scared of what she’ll do.’

‘Come on, Sarah, she’ll be OK. You know better than I do how tough she is. She’s a fighter. She’s not going anywhere.’ He was struggling to strike a balance between positive and supportive. It was a fine line to tread with someone you barely knew.

‘You don’t understand.’ She turned her gaze away from him and fixed her eyes on the floor. ‘She looked at herself for the first time today.’

Oh God.

He felt the beads of sweat break out on his forehead.

‘It was awful. It was like I could feel her heart break the moment she saw her reflection. There were no words. Nothing. All she did was sit and stare.’ Sarah’s breathing was getting quicker and her body was trembling more violently with the tears.

This was bad. This was really bad.

‘I imagine she’s just in shock. It must be normal.’ He clutched at words of comfort. ‘It will pass though, give it time.’