Before I Saw You(43)
A small voice started to niggle at her.
Make the most of her being here.
There was no doubt in Alice’s mind that even before Mr Warring’s visit, Sarah was already planning ways to get her to look at herself in the mirror. If it was inevitable then why not go with it? Did she really have the energy to resist and fight her? Like she’d said before, only a fool would try and go up against Sarah.
Plus, you’re going to have to face yourself at some point.
It seemed that point in time was growing ever closer.
For the first few days after the accident, she’d spent most of her time thinking about ways she could end it all. Life just didn’t bear thinking about. How could she ever be accepted with injuries like this? It hurt to think, let alone move. She didn’t need to look in a mirror to know that she wasn’t the same woman any more. Her life had been turned upside down and she’d been burnt inside out. The thought of reestablishing herself in a world that she knew could be cruel at the best of times felt too exhausting. Alice wasn’t blind to how critical human beings could be, and she didn’t fancy being on the receiving end of their constant judgement. It was only recently that those thoughts had quietened down and the pervasive dread and anxiety had lessened. Was she really going to live as a recluse, hiding away in her flat at the age of thirty-one? Afraid of everything, even her own reflection? Was that what she really wanted for her life?
Can you even call that a life?
Sarah was a stark reminder of the best of her. Maybe she really could move to Australia! She’d said it half jokingly to Alfie before, but now it didn’t seem so implausible. Maybe she could emigrate and live with Sarah. With her experience she could walk into any job she wanted, perhaps a smaller firm with less pressure and more time to relax. She could be Sarah and Raph’s on-call babysitter whenever they decided to have kids. Every day she could feel the sun on her skin and salt in her hair.
Will moving halfway around the world actually make you happy? Or are you just running away?
All this thinking was only making Alice more confused. Her brain felt heavy with the thoughts. The only thing that was becoming clearer was that if she wasn’t willing to die, then she had to find a way to live. And if she was going to live, she damn well needed to know what she was dealing with.
*
The next morning, Alice woke with the fire of determination raging inside her. She had to do it today. If she waited too long, the flames would subside and her confidence would evaporate. The moment Sarah came in, she said it. In fact, she pretty much shouted it at her.
‘I need to look at myself. Today. With you.’
Sarah froze, coffees in one hand and pastries in the other. It was a rare thing to stun Sarah, but the force of what Alice said seemed to take the breath from her lungs.
‘Please,’ Alice added quietly.
And just like that, Sarah snapped back into life. ‘Of course we can, Al. Like, a million per cent yes. Do you want to do it right now? Or do you want to have some food? I could go out and get some vodka maybe?’
Her friend was by her side, holding her hand.
‘As much as I’d like to be drunk, I feel like this is something I need to do sober. If I can’t face it now with you by my side, I don’t think I ever will. I need to see me, Sarah. I need to know who I am now.’
‘Alice Louise Gunnersley.’ Sarah became instantly resolute. Her eyes locked on Alice’s and her grip on her hand became vice-like. ‘Before we do anything, I want you to listen to me. Firstly, and most importantly, you are not defined by what you are on the outside. Do you hear me? Whatever you see in that mirror will never ever reflect the incredibly special person you are. You are pure fucking gold, Alice, and anyone with half a brain can see that. Secondly, I think you’ll be surprised; it’s really not as bad as you think.’
‘Breakfast first.’ It was all she could manage.
‘As you wish, my love.’
Neither of them spoke the entire time they nibbled on their pastries. Alice’s mouth was so dry and her appetite wasn’t exactly strong. There was a knot in her stomach that seemed to be getting tighter and tighter with every second that passed.
Sarah turned to look at her. ‘I’m going to have to ask the nurses for a big mirror, if that’s OK? The one in my bag is tiny and we need to do this justice.’
‘OK.’ The knot had decided to migrate up into her throat, making it hard to speak.
‘You’re the bravest person I know,’ Sarah said, as she left Alice to sit with the decision she had just made.
This was really going to happen.
It’s time to see who you really are, Alice.
*
Sarah took much longer than she thought to come back. How long did it take to find a mirror?
It was when Alice saw the small bottle of champagne in her friend’s left hand that she realized where she’d been.
‘Before you say anything, I asked the nurses and they practically forced me to get it. And it’s for after, not before. This is special, Alice, we couldn’t let the occasion go unmarked.’
Before Alice could even start to say thank you, Nurse Angles popped her head around the curtain. ‘I told her to do it! Enjoy, baby.’
Tears started streaming down her face. It was all getting too much – what with the building anticipation, the kindness of these near strangers and the love of her best friend, Alice’s heart felt fit to burst.