Before I Saw You(48)

Now she was collapsing into his arms. Her little frame heaved with sobs. Alfie pulled her close, holding her as tightly as he could. All he could hear were the muffled cries against his chest, repeating the same words over and over.

There was nothing Alfie could say. He’d heard it too, and to deny it would be insulting.

Soon her voice grew fainter and the sobbing slowed. Alfie could feel the tension leaving her body as her frame grew limp in his arms. Carefully, he tried to lower them both to the floor, cradling her as though she were a sleeping child.

You can do this, Alfie. Just lower down slowly.

Sweat started to run down his forehead. He was now stuck halfway, limbs bent awkwardly and shaking under the strain of Sarah’s weight.

Don’t drop her. Whatever you do, don’t drop her.

What with the running and supporting her body, Alfie’s leg was starting to cramp. He inched himself down a little further and was close to managing a graceful descent until, at the very last moment, his leg gave way and they both fell in a crumpled heap on the ground.

‘Shit, I’m so sorry, Sarah. Are you OK?’ His face burned with embarrassment as he reached for his crutches, which had spilled into the road. ‘I’m an idiot. I should never ha—’

‘Look, I know you want me to stay, Alfie, but don’t try and get me admitted to the ward as well, you sneaky bastard.’

God, what a relief it was to laugh again! Sarah shuffled herself over to sit beside Alfie.

‘Cigarette?’ She was holding out a half-empty packet of Marlboro Red.

Alfie smirked. ‘Aha! So this is why you insist on going out to get us food every hour. You’re using us to hide your dirty smoking habit.’

‘You bet! Your insatiable appetite is the best excuse ever.’

For a little while they simply sat there, side by side, in comfortable silence. Sarah chain-smoked her way through the rest of her pack of cigarettes while Alfie provided the perfect headrest.

‘What am I going to do, Alfie?’ She stubbed the last of her cigarette out on the ground and looked at him.

‘I think you just have to give her some time. Remember, it only happened yesterday. She’s probably still in shock.’

‘But I don’t have time. I’ve got to go in less than a week. I can’t leave her like this.’

He leant his head back on the wall and let the sun warm his face for a moment. He’d been racking his brains for ways he could help the situation, and the thought he kept coming back to was his own experience.

‘I know, and that must be pretty scary for you. But trust me, it will pass. Maybe not all of it, but some of the anger will.’ He took her hand tentatively in his. ‘Plus, you know that when you go, she’s not going to be on her own, right?’

She looked at him and managed a faint smile. ‘I know.’

‘Right, come on. First, I need to move or I’ll be stuck here for ever, and you’ll have to winch me up to standing. Second, it’s movie night tonight, and I need to make sure we don’t end up watching Finding Dory again.’

‘Movie night?’ She stood and started to pull him up from the ground.

‘Oh, you’re going to have to stick around for this – it’s right up your street. Enforced fun, you’ll love it!’ He threw his head back and laughed at the mix of fear and repulsion on her face.

‘I think I’m suddenly busy tonight.’ She linked her arm through his and sighed. ‘Alfie, what the hell are we going to do?’

‘Something. I’m sure we’ll think of something.’

Unfortunately, even that eternally positive part of Alfie couldn’t quite make his words sound convincing.





39


Alice





The anger hadn’t left her. It still lay curled up deep inside her, poised to strike at the next helpless victim that crossed its path. But now it was joined by something else. A sickening feeling of guilt had crawled in and taken up residence inside her too. Its cold claws sank into her chest, a constant reminder of its presence.

What the hell have you gone and done?

All at once she felt faint with claustrophobia. Her little cubicle felt too contained and too confined. She was trapped in her own version of hell. A hell she’d created for herself. It was torture, yet she didn’t have the energy to do anything about it, not even to cry. She simply lay locked in her own mind, letting the nurses come and go and the sounds of the ward wash over her. It was only when she heard his footsteps returning that her ears pricked up.

She sat a little straighter.

It’s him. Definitely him.

But where’s Sarah?

Her stomach lurched.

Maybe she could ask Alfie? Maybe he’d tell her what had happened. Maybe, if she asked nicely enough, he would go and find Sarah and tell her how sorry she was.

But the moment she heard him drop down on to his bed, the words disappeared from her mouth. The shame of her behaviour snatched any possible conversation from her and she was forced back into her silence. A silence not even Alfie seemed willing to break any more.

Time dragged its heels even more than normal. Restlessness pulsed through her but her bones were too tired to move. She was stuck, waiting and wishing for her friend to come back.

You could always go and find her.

No. After what she’d seen in that mirror, there was no way in hell Alice would be going anywhere. Her shame burned in the back of her throat, and no matter how tightly she closed her eyes, all she could see was her new reflection. The mangled version of herself that she was stuck with lingered permanently in her mind.