Before I Saw You(49)

What if she doesn’t come back?

Those few words made her heart sink. Why was she so good at this? Pushing people away seemed to come so easily to her; it was right up there on her CV with financial planning and strategy. Alice Gunnersley’s top skills that got you anywhere you wanted but with no one by your side. She needed Sarah more than ever. Her wonderful friend, who hadn’t even batted an eyelash at her injuries, who since arriving hadn’t flinched, cried, winced or even commented on her wounds, had now disappeared. Alice let the tears come as she willed herself into a deep unthinking sleep.

*

The sound of Sarah’s voice woke her instantly.

Alice opened her eyes just a tiny bit.

Sarah smiled as she caught Alice peeping out from under her sheets.

‘Hey.’ She sounded cautious and Alice couldn’t blame her.

‘Hey,’ she managed to whisper.

Sarah sat down in the chair beside her, and leant in close enough so no one else would have to hear them.

‘I’m so sorry about earlier, Al. I … I only wanted to help you. That’s all.’

Alice turned so their faces were almost touching. ‘I know. I’m just so scared.’

Tears formed rivers of salt down her scarred cheek. Alice resisted the urge to flinch as Sarah gently wiped them away.

‘I’m sorry too. I didn’t me—’

‘Stop.’ Sarah cut her off mid-sob. ‘If there’s one time in your life I’ll forgive you for being a total bitch, it’s now.’

Alice snorted. God, she really did hate crying.

‘Can I come in?’ Sarah nodded to the bed.

Alice wriggled over to make room. How lovely it felt to have the warmth of her friend next to her again.

‘You scared me earlier.’ Sarah’s voice became so small it barely reached her ears. ‘When you talked about dying. Alice, I can’t … I can’t lose you.’ The words were swallowed by sobs that came thick and fast. Alice pulled her friend closer and held her while she cried.

‘I’m sorry.’ She breathed into the top of her head. ‘I just feel like I’ve lost myself and I have no idea how to get me back.’ Saying it out loud for the first time lifted something from her heavy chest. ‘I don’t know what to do, Sarah.’

The two friends lay intertwined in the bed, cocooning themselves in their pain.

‘I know, but this is the first and most difficult step done.’ The positivity was creeping slowly back into Sarah’s voice. She turned over and stared at the ceiling, still clasping Alice’s hand tightly in hers. ‘Let’s speak to the surgeon as soon as we can and see what the options are, OK?’

‘OK.’ Unlike Sarah, Alice’s positivity was still missing in action. Could anything really make that much of a difference? No one would be able to give her old face back to her. No one could turn back time, and she was pretty sure that no one, as hard as they might try, would be able to make something good of the mess she was left in.

‘I’ll speak to the nurses on my way out.’ Sarah sat up straight and folded her arms. That was that. There was a plan and that meant Sarah was happy. ‘I have to go a little earlier today, by the way – I’m on family duty again.’

‘That’s what you get when you fly off halfway around the world and don’t come back and visit!’

‘Thanks for the sympathy as always, Alice. Besides, speaking of family, have you heard any more from Patricia?’

Patricia was Alice’s mum. Sarah could never quite bring herself to use the term ‘mum’, or even ‘mother’, when referring to her. Alice loved her all the more for that.

‘Nope. Not even a courtesy “Hi, hope you’re OK” text. Think our last meeting may have been a little too much for her.’

‘Meeting? Wait. What? She came here?’ Sarah’s face was an absolute picture. Her mouth hung wide open in disbelief.

‘She sure did. Let’s just say it wasn’t enjoyable for anyone involved.’

‘Alfie, did you get the pleasure of meeting Patricia?’

Did she really need to bring him into every conversation they had? Alice still felt awkward about the way she’d acted earlier, and she hadn’t yet had a chance to apologize to him. Why she cared that much she still didn’t know, but it seemed Sarah really was grooming Alfie to become her stand-in best friend when she left.

‘Erm …’ He hesitated slightly. ‘I didn’t meet her in the traditional sense, although I did have the pleasure of overhearing a little of the conversation, and I think that was enough for me.’

Alice laughed. The way he was trying to be tactful was cute, but it was very clear all he wanted to say was, ‘Wow, what a fucking cold-hearted bitch your mum is.’

‘Isn’t it such a wonder her daughter is one of the best human beings ever known to man when she has a mother like that?’

Sarah kissed her on the forehead.

‘In that case, maybe we should be grateful to Patricia.’

Sarah physically recoiled at his words. ‘Excuse me? She’s an absolute nut job. Sorry, Al, but it’s true.’

Alice smiled – there was never any need to apologize when it came to insulting her mother.

‘Well,’ Alfie continued, ‘if you think about it, without her we wouldn’t have Alice, and a life without Alice would be too sad to think about.’