The Dilemma(76)

Josh leaves and I can feel Nelson’s sorrow as I sit twisting a sodden tissue in my fingers, trying to get my sobs under control.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say as he settles on the bed beside me. ‘I wish I could stop crying.’

‘The worst thing that could possibly happen has happened to you,’ he says, drawing me to him. ‘You’re allowed to cry as much as you like.’

‘I can’t believe it,’ I say brokenly. ‘I can’t believe that Marnie’s—’

‘I know,’ he says, smoothing my hair. ‘I know.’

I want to tell him that Adam knew about the crash hours before the party started but something stops me. Whatever I might think of Adam, I don’t want Nelson to think less of him.

Jess’s voice comes to me, calling from the hall below. I scramble off the bed but by the time I’ve opened the door, she’s made it up the stairs.

‘Livia,’ she says. And then we’re weeping in each other’s arms, because she understands my pain, the pain of a mother losing a child.

Nelson squeezes past us, his hands heavy on our shoulders.

‘Mike has made tea,’ Jess says eventually, wiping her eyes. ‘Come on, let’s go downstairs.’

‘Adam isn’t there, is he?’

‘No, he’s in his shed. Mike came to get some tea and toast for him.’

‘It doesn’t surprise me that Adam is able to eat,’ I say bitterly, because I don’t mind telling Jess. ‘He knew, Jess, he knew about Marnie and he let the party go on. He carried on as normal, as if nothing was wrong and even worse, he let me carry on as normal.’ I shake my head and fresh tears fall from my eyes. ‘I’ll never get over it. I’ll never get over the fact that I danced the day my daughter died.’

‘I don’t think he knew for sure about Marnie,’ she says hesitantly. ‘From what Cleo said, he didn’t actually have confirmation until this morning.’

‘Cleo? Why has Adam been speaking to Cleo about it?’

‘Because she knew that Marnie was coming home.’

‘Cleo knew?’ My mind reels.

‘Come on,’ she says, easing me towards the stairs. ‘Let’s go and have a cup of tea. Cleo is with Josh now. You can talk to her later.’





5 P.M. – 12 A.M.





Adam


A muffled sob escapes Livia’s lips, breaking through the silence as we sit with untouched mugs of tea in the kitchen.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbles.

I long to comfort her but she doesn’t want me, she only wants Jess.

‘Don’t be silly,’ Mum says, her eyes bright with unshed tears. ‘You’ve nothing to be sorry for.’

The day has been punctuated with Nelson disappearing to make calls and coming back to tell us that we’re in the thoughts of whoever he’s just phoned, and to let them know if they can help in any way at all. It doesn’t seem to register with Livia. She doesn’t even nod. She’s retreated into herself, protecting herself. She didn’t even want to see her mum.

We’d forgotten about Patricia until there was a ring on the doorbell in the middle of the afternoon. We left Nelson to answer it, presuming it was a neighbour.

‘Livia, it’s your mum,’ he said, coming back into the kitchen. But Livia shook her head and left it to Nelson to explain about Marnie.

I move over to the door and look unseeingly through the glass to the garden. We’d be more comfortable in the sitting room but nobody has suggested going through. We’ve been here most of the day: Jess, Mum, Dad, Izzy, Ian and Cleo sitting around the table; me, Josh, Amy and Nelson leaning against the worktops, cradling mugs of hot drinks that no-one wants. Max was here earlier, and Kirin, but they’ve left now, taking their quiet grief with them.

Murphy lumbers over to stand beside me. Max brought him back this morning and he’s barely left my side since. Mimi has slunk off somewhere, as if she knows her presence is a constant reminder of Marnie. I’m not sure when Amy arrived. Sometime this morning, Josh asked if he could tell her about Marnie and if she could come over. Of course we said yes. He needs her more than he needs us, only she can comfort him as he needs to be comforted. The way that we – Livia and I – need to be comforted. Except that for me and Livia, it’s impossible.

Although nobody has mentioned it, they know why she won’t speak to me, they know the story of how I let the party go on. Nelson knows why, although I’m not sure the others do. I look at him, the conversation we had this morning a comfort against Livia’s hate.

‘I can’t imagine what it must have been like, to go through something like that on your own,’ he said quietly, coming to stand beside me after I’d gone outside for some space. ‘Why didn’t you tell Livia when you first suspected Marnie was on the flight?’ There was no criticism in his voice, just curiosity.

‘Because I knew that once she knew, it would change her life forever, just like it had already changed mine.’ I rubbed my face. ‘I can’t tell you what it’s like, to live with the knowledge that your child is almost certainly dead. I just wanted to stop what was happening. Let Livia have her party, let her have a last few hours of happiness.’

‘Jesus, Adam.’