The Dilemma(73)

‘What are we going to do, Dad?’ he mumbles. He sounds so scared that my heart breaks for him. ‘What are we going to do?’

‘We’re going to get through it, we’re going to be strong for each other,’ Adam says. ‘We need to think about the people who love Marnie as much as we do, about how we’re going to tell them. We need to be strong for them, for Gran, Grandad—’ He breaks off, unable to face the thought of telling his parents.

‘No.’ Josh shakes his head. ‘I meant – what are we going to do without Marnie.’

‘We’re going to get through it,’ Adam says again, and I wonder how he can be so strong. ‘I don’t know how, but we’re going to get through it. We have to.’ His voice breaks slightly. ‘It’s what Marnie would want.’

‘I still can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it.’

‘I know, Josh,’ Adam says gently. ‘I know.’

‘It can’t be true,’ he says for the hundredth time. ‘It just can’t be. Are you sure, Dad, are you sure?’

‘Josh, please—’

Adam sounds as if he’s at breaking point, and that frightens me, because I need him to be strong. So instead of asking him if he’s really, really sure that Marnie was on the flight, because like Josh, I can’t believe that she was, I give his hand a little squeeze, telling him wordlessly that I understand how incredibly hard it is for him to have to answer our never-ending questions. But he must be wrong, he has to be. He just needs time to realise it.

So I stay very quiet, giving him time to work it out, and Josh does the same. But the silence drags on and the air in the room becomes heavy with despair. I can feel it on my skin, taste it in my mouth, I can even smell it. And that’s when I know.

Tears seep from my eyes. I can’t ever imagine them stopping.

‘How are we going to tell everyone?’ I ask, brokenly.

A wave of relief – profound, soundless – spreads through Adam’s body, that I’ve finally accepted the unbearable truth. He clears his throat.

‘I thought I’d ask Nelson to let people know. Except Mum and Dad. I need to tell them myself.’

‘It’s good that Izzy is with them,’ I say, amazed at how calm I must sound.

‘Do you see now why I couldn’t let Amy stay the night?’ Adam says. ‘I didn’t think it was fair on her to be here when—’ He falters. ‘You know, when I told you.’

‘How did you find out, Dad?’ Josh mumbles. ‘Did you get a phone call or something?’

‘No. I knew what flights Marnie was taking, it was our secret. When I heard about the plane crash, I didn’t think it was her flight and when I realised that it was, I didn’t think she was on it because she’d messaged to tell me that her flight from Hong Kong was delayed, so she’d miss her connection in Cairo. But then, later, I realised that the flight from Cairo had also been delayed, so there was a chance she might have arrived in time for it. But there was still the chance that she might not have made it.’

My head jerks up. ‘So maybe she didn’t,’ I say, grasping at this new thread of hope. ‘Adam, what if Marnie didn’t make the flight?’

He swallows painfully. ‘She did. It’s been confirmed.’

‘When? How?’

‘I phoned the airline last night, after Amy left. There was a number I could call to find out.’

‘After Amy left? Is that why you went out to your shed?’

‘Yes.’

‘But—’ I draw away from him, running it through my mind. If he knew that Marnie – that Marnie was – when he came back into the house, why didn’t he tell me then? And didn’t we make love? No, we can’t have done, not then, not once Adam knew, we couldn’t have. It must have been before. I want to ask him. I need to know. But I can’t, not with Josh here.

‘Why didn’t you tell us, Dad?’ Josh says angrily, although I know it’s not Adam he’s angry with. ‘You shouldn’t have had to go through that on your own. Why didn’t you wake us up when you knew?’

‘I thought I’d let you sleep. I thought a few hours wouldn’t make any difference.’

‘They would have made a difference to you. It must have been awful for you, having to keep it to yourself.’ He shakes his head. ‘You should have woken me up, Dad.’

Even in my confusion about when exactly we made love, my heart goes out to Adam, for choosing to spare us by shouldering the burden himself. But it comes to a sudden halt, brought to a standstill by another thought, another puzzle.

‘So how did it happen?’ I ask.

‘They don’t know. They wouldn’t tell me anything. They said there’ll be an investigation. We’ll know more when we get there, I expect.’

‘Get where?’ Josh asks.

‘Cairo. Mum and I are going tomorrow. You too, if you want. They’ve booked us on a flight. But you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.’

‘Of course I’m coming!’ he says angrily.

‘No,’ I interrupt. ‘I meant – how did it happen? How did you find out about Marnie?’

‘I told you, there was a number to phone.’