The Dilemma(77)

‘If Marnie was dead—’ I paused. ‘If I’m honest, I think I must have known she was because otherwise she would have called. And I think I thought that Liv knowing then wasn’t going to change anything for Marnie. It’s not as if we could have rushed over to be with her. Livia called me a coward; she thinks I didn’t make the call to the airline until the party was over because I lacked the courage to hear the truth, and the courage to tell her. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I was lying to myself all along.’

‘You should have told me,’ Nelson said.

‘I almost did, when we were sitting on the wall, when you were avoiding Rob. But I knew I had to tell Livia first.’

The re-hashing of my conversation with Nelson, the mention of Rob, stirs something in my brain. Where is Rob? Shouldn’t he be here, sitting in the kitchen with us? He’s conspicuous by his absence and I know Nelson thinks the same, because when Jess left the room earlier, he followed her out and had a quiet conversation with her, but not so quiet that I couldn’t hear Rob’s name. And ever since, Nelson has been texting on and off. Even Jess is at it, discreetly sending messages under the table.

She looks up suddenly, relief evident on her face.

‘Rob sends his apologies, he’s on his way over.’

I turn from the window in acknowledgment and see everybody nodding in silence, except Nelson, who mutters, ‘About time too.’ And Livia, who gets up from the table and walks silently out of the room.

It’s the look of hatred on her face that brings the nightmare back, the nightmare of this morning when I was trying to tell her that Marnie was dead and Livia thought I was trying to tell her something different about Marnie. Something she already knew, something about Marnie being in a relationship with – I close my eyes, trying to remember her exact words – ‘I’m so sorry, Adam, it’s not Max, it’s Rob.’

‘Are you OK?’ Dad is on his feet, moving towards me. ‘Do you want to sit down a minute?’

‘No – no, I’m fine.’ Realising that I’m clutching the door frame, I lower my arm and pull the door open. ‘I just need some air.’

‘Shall I come with you?’

‘I’m fine.’

Except that I’m not fine, I’ll never be fine again. And I’m going to be even less fine if what Livia said is true.

Marnie and Rob. Marnie and Rob? I pace up and down the terrace, trying to work it out, Murphy watching me anxiously from the doorway. It can’t be true, it can’t be. I mean, how could it possibly be true? Livia said something about Rob going to see Marnie when he was meant to be in Singapore but she must be mistaken, she has to be. Marnie wouldn’t, she just wouldn’t, and neither would Rob, he has Jess. He wouldn’t do that to Jess, not when she’s ill, not even if she wasn’t ill. I need to speak to Livia, ask her why she thinks Marnie and Rob were having an affair. I try to recall everything she told me, but I can’t. I can only remember parts of it and I’m not even sure I remember those correctly. But if Livia is right – I try to think what it would mean. But I can’t, because my mind can’t cope with it.

And then, I hear him – Rob – coming up the path. I go to the side gate to wait for him; he opens it and comes through, his head bowed, his sunglasses in place even though the sun is weak today. He takes a breath and as squares his shoulders, he raises his eyes and sees me standing there. A momentary pause then:

‘Mate.’ He walks towards me, his arms outstretched. ‘Adam.’

But I need to know, so I reach out and take off his sunglasses. And, caught by surprise, he has no time to hide. I look deep into his red-rimmed eyes and as he stares back at me, I see the guilt, and smell the stench of it seeping from his pores. It flushes his skin red, works his mouth wordlessly as he searches frantically to deny what is staring me in the face.

‘Adam, I—’

I don’t even think about hitting him, I just do it. My fist slams under his chin, lifting him off his feet so that he stumbles sideways, crashing into the wall.

‘Get out.’





Livia


My heart is pounding as I watch from the bedroom window. From where I’m standing, I see Adam walk towards the gate. I have to crane my neck, press my face against the window to be able to follow him to where he comes to a stop and although I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing Rob, I need to know if Adam absorbed anything of what I told him about Marnie. I don’t think he did. I know now that the private hell he disappeared into while I was telling him was nothing to do with the thought of our daughter having an affair with Rob, but the dread of having to tell me she was dead. Dead. I still can’t believe it, even though the fact of everyone sitting around the kitchen table tells me it’s true, because why would they be here otherwise?

I hear the click of the side gate, then Rob coming onto the terrace. He sees Adam, takes a step towards him, his arm outstretched and I can’t breathe, because if they put their arms around each other it means that Adam didn’t grasp what I was telling him, which means he’ll never know about Marnie and Rob, not unless I choose to tell him. And I know that I won’t. A part of me rages that I’m going to have to sit down and eat with Rob, laugh at his jokes and accept his embraces so that nobody will guess there’s anything wrong. But I can’t risk alienating Jess and Nelson by spilling Rob’s dirty secret, because without them, Adam and I aren’t going to get through this. Not when we no longer have each other.