The Dilemma(81)

‘Everything.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’ve known about their affair since he and Cleo went to Hong Kong for Cleo’s birthday in April.’

‘So?’

‘That was six weeks ago. Marnie told me she wanted to come back for your party three weeks ago. If you’d told me about their affair when you first found out, do you think I’d have let her come home?’ He pauses. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Livia? Why didn’t you tell me about Marnie and Rob?’

‘Because I wanted to protect you! Because I wanted to preserve what we had!’

‘So when were you going to tell me? Never? Or once you’d had your party?’

I reach behind me and grab one of my pillows. ‘GET OUT!’ I yell, hurling it at him. ‘GET OUT AND DON’T COME BACK! I HATE YOU, DO YOU HEAR? I HATE YOU!’





Adam


I stand outside the bedroom door, listening to Livia’s heartbreaking sobs. I don’t know where it came from, what I said to her. I hadn’t worked out that if I’d known about the affair, I wouldn’t have let Marnie come home, so why did I say it? Why have I made Livia think it’s her fault that Marnie is dead when it’s mine? How could I be so cruel?

I run a hand through my hair, wondering what to do next, where to go. Before, I might have gone to Marnie’s room, tried to find some comfort there, but I can’t. I don’t know who she is anymore. I thought I knew her but I didn’t. I thought she would never lie to me, but she did. I thought she would never do anything that she knew I’d disapprove of, and yet she did the worst thing she could possibly do, the one thing that would hurt me more than anything in the world, because of who Rob is, because of what he stands for. She knew how I felt about him, yet that didn’t deter her from having an affair with him. I can’t understand it; I can’t understand how she could do it.

I go downstairs, feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. I can feel the pull of my bike but after what happened – when was it – yesterday? – when Marnie was still the person I thought she was, I’m scared of what might happen now that she isn’t. The only place I know I’ll feel safe is my shed so I go outside and pick my way across the lawn, using the moon to guide me. As I go in, I reach automatically for the light switch; light floods the room, dazzling me. I’m about to turn it off again when my eyes fall on the block of black walnut. A dark rage consumes me and, grabbing an axe from the shelf, I begin smashing it to pieces.





Livia


The sound stops my sobs of guilt in their tracks – because deep down, no matter how much I try to dress them up as tears of hurt and indignation, that’s what they are, tears of guilt. Everything Adam said was true; no matter how much I try to blame him for what happened to Marnie, the fact is that if I’d been upfront with him, she wouldn’t have been on that plane. I told Adam that I hated him but it’s me that I hate, for not wanting Marnie to come home. Is that why she died, because I didn’t want her here, because I wanted to be able to carry on living the life I was living?

The sound comes again, the thud of splintering wood, followed by a cry of such pain and anguish that I leap from the bed and run out of the bedroom towards the stairs. Josh’s door opens.

‘Mum!’ he says, looking scared.

‘It’s alright, I’m going,’ I tell him.

‘Shall I come?’

But I’m already gone.





Adam


‘Stop, Daddy, stop!’

I hear Marnie’s voice but I don’t take any notice, I just keep swinging the axe.

‘Please, Daddy, stop!’

I give a roar of frustration. ‘Don’t! Don’t you dare ask me to stop when you’ve been having an affair with Rob!’ I bring the axe down on the largest remaining piece, scattering fragments everywhere. ‘My best friend’s brother—’ I raise the axe again. ‘Jess’s husband—’ Another swing of the axe. ‘Your best friend’s FATHER—’

‘Daddy, STOP!’

Turning the axe in my hand, I use the head as a club and send the mass of broken wood flying around the shed. ‘Don’t tell me what to do!’ I yell, as pieces smash off the walls. ‘You don’t have the right! How could you do it, Marnie? How could you leave us?’

‘ADAM!’





Livia


He stops in mid-swing and whips round, and for a terrible moment I think he’s going bring the axe down on me. Then confusion replaces the fury in his eyes and he looks at me in bewilderment, as if he can’t believe that it’s me standing there and not Marnie.

I reach out a hand. ‘It’s alright,’ I say gently. ‘It’s alright.’

He lowers his arm and the axe thuds to the ground. His face turns ashen. And then he sinks onto his knees, covers his face with his hands and begins to sob uncontrollably.

I kneel on the floor among the shards of black walnut, trying to take him in my arms. But he won’t let me in. Ashamed of his tears, he won’t let me move his hands from his face. Trapped in his own private hell, all I can do is hold him, tell him that I love him, that I’m sorry, that everything is going to be alright, that we’re going to get through it. All the things he said to me, all the things I couldn’t say to him, until now.