The Dilemma(78)

At first, when I see Adam remove Rob’s sunglasses, I think it’s because he doesn’t want to damage them when they clasp each other, united in their grief for Marnie. But he just stands, staring at Rob, and I know the intensity of his gaze because I’ve felt it so many times myself; I know he’s looking deep into Rob’s soul, as he has looked into mine. Just as I’m wondering what he’s found there, he hits Rob square on the chin, knocking him against the wall, and as Rob scuttles back down the path, a sob escapes me and I’m crying, crying, crying, not for me, not for Marnie, but for Adam. Because although I’ll never forgive him for what he did, what I wanted, more than anything, was for him to be able to remember his version of Marnie, not mine.





Adam


I hear the scrape of the back door opening, and Nelson calling me as I head across the lawn to my shed, my eyes averted from the photos of Marnie still tacked to the fence. Because, after what’s happened, how could anyone take them down, even if they thought it best to?

‘Was that Rob?’ he calls.

I turn towards him. ‘Yes.’

‘Didn’t he want to come in?’

‘No. He’s pretty cut up. But it was good of him to come by. I’m going to my shed for a while. Can you make sure nobody disturbs me?’

‘Of course.’

Was it only yesterday that the thing that caused me the most grief was having to squeeze behind the tent to get to my shed? There must have been something bigger, something more serious, more problematic. I rack my brains and come up with nothing. My life really was that good.

Inside the shed, I make it as far as the nearest wall, slide down it to the floor. I lean my head back against the warm wood and close my eyes. The knuckles of my right hand are throbbing, my heartbeat echoing through the pulses of pain. There’s a peace to it and I flex my fingers, wanting to feel more pain. The movement opens the gash across my palm and I welcome the sharp twinges of discomfort.

It seems impossible that anything could eclipse Marnie’s death. But somehow, her affair with Rob does. I can’t stop reliving the moment I looked deep inside him, the moment when everything Livia told me was reflected in his eyes with such clarity I knew it was true. It spins in my brain on a loop – Marnie and Rob, their affair, his visits to see her in Hong Kong. He didn’t accompany Cleo to Hong Kong because Jess didn’t want her to go alone, he went so that he could be with Marnie. Livia saw him on FaceTime, coming out of the hotel bathroom, naked. The word makes me feel physically sick.

I hear someone brush against the marquee as they make their way to the shed and my rage boils over. I just want to be left alone.

‘Go away, just go away,’ I plead but whoever it is ignores me and guessing it’s Mum, or maybe Dad, I try to keep a hold on my anger. The door pushes, but doesn’t open. The familiar sound of claws scraping against wood tells me it’s Murphy so I pull myself up and let him in. He follows me back to where I was sitting and as I slide back to the floor, he leans his body into me.

‘How did this happen?’ I say, out loud. Murphy turns his head towards me and licks my face. I put my arms around him, bury my head in his fur, breathe in the earthy smell of him while I try to come to terms with the devastating truth of Marnie and Rob’s affair. All the signs were there, I realise. Marnie’s unhappiness in Hong Kong. Livia’s pulling back from our group of friends, unable to be near Rob, unable to face Jess. Questions crowd my brain, each of them bringing more confusion than the last. Why didn’t Livia tell me? Was she ever going to tell me? Did Marnie know that Livia knew? Or was Livia waiting until Marnie came home to talk to her about it? If that was her plan, how would Livia have felt about Marnie turning up at her party? Maybe it wouldn’t have been a wonderful surprise but a terrible shock. And most devastating of all – who was Marnie really coming home to surprise, Livia or Rob?

I don’t know how much time has passed before Mum comes to tell me that she and Dad are leaving, taking Izzy and Ian with them.

‘They’ll be staying with us for a few days,’ she adds.

I nod. ‘That’s good.’

‘We’ll be back tomorrow, to see you before you leave for the airport. Nelson is taking you.’

‘That’s good of him.’

‘You should come in now, Adam.’

‘I will, in a minute.’

‘Can I do anything for you?’

‘No thanks, Mum. Say goodbye to Dad for me.’

‘Come here.’

I get to my feet and she puts her arms around me.

‘It’ll be alright,’ she whispers, holding me tight. ‘It’ll be alright.’

I close my eyes. I don’t say anything, because I can’t. It’s a while before she lets me go.

‘Goodbye, Adam.’ Her eyes are bright with tears.

I reach a hand to her cheek. ‘’Bye, Mum.’

If Mum and Dad are leaving, it must be later than I think. I look through the window; it’s almost dark outside so it must be around 9 p.m.

I sit back down next to Murphy, worrying that he hasn’t been fed. I’m trying to raise the energy to take him inside when Nelson comes in.

‘Adam, I’m going to leave now. Jess and Cleo will be leaving soon and Livia is in bed.’ He pauses. ‘Why don’t you come in? There’s only Josh and Amy and they’ll be going up soon.’