The Dilemma(79)

‘I will, in a minute.’

‘Do you want me to stay? I can, it’s no problem.’

‘No, it’s fine, you should get back to Kirin. Can I ask you to do something? Can you give Murphy something to eat?’

‘Of course.’

He has to take Murphy by the collar to get him away from me.

‘Go on, Murphy,’ I encourage. ‘I’ll see you later.’

‘Try and get some sleep,’ Nelson says from the door. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

What would he say if I told him about Rob, told him that his thirty-eight-year-old brother was cheating on Jess with my nineteen-year-old daughter? It would destroy him, it would destroy his relationship with Rob, it might even destroy ours. And even if it didn’t, things would never be the same.

More time passes. A discreet knock and Josh comes in.

‘Dad?’ I sense him peering in the darkness. ‘Where are you?’

‘Over here.’

‘Do you want the light on?’

‘No thanks.’

‘Are you coming in?’

‘Not just yet.’

He waits until his eyes adjust to the dark, then comes over and sits down beside me, adopting the same position, his back against the wall, his knees drawn up, his forearms resting on his knees.

‘Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a chair?’ he asks, after we’ve sat in silence for a few minutes.

‘Probably. But I like it here on the floor.’

‘Mum’s gone to bed.’

‘Yes, Nelson said.’

‘You don’t mind if Amy stays over, do you?’

‘No, of course not.’

We sit in silence for a while longer.

‘We will get through this, won’t we?’ he asks.

‘Yes, of course we will.’

‘I mean, you and Mum—’

‘We’ll be fine.’

‘I get why you did it, Dad. I get why you didn’t tell her until the party was over. I didn’t at first but I do now. Anyway, it’s what Marnie would have wanted.’ He pauses. ‘I’ve been thinking – I might try and get my motorcycle licence. It would be great to have a bike for getting around London, and when I come down at weekends, we could go for a ride together.’

My eyes blur, because I know what he’s doing, I know that my son, who has never shown the slightest interest in riding a bike, is already looking for a way to fill the void he knows Marnie will leave in my life.

‘That would be great,’ I say. ‘But get settled in London first.’

‘I don’t have to live in London, I could stay here for a while. I can travel in easily from Windsor.’

‘No, you do have to live in London, with Amy. Nobody is going to change their plans. It’s already enough that you’re not going to New York.’

‘I’m glad I decided not to go,’ he says.

‘Me too. You should go in, Josh, I’ll be along in a minute.’

‘It’s fine, I’ll wait.’

Knowing that he’s not going to leave without me, I get to my feet. I’m so stiff that he has to help me up.

‘Thanks. I must be getting old.’

He pulls me into a hug. ‘Never,’ he says fiercely.

We squeeze behind the marquee, walk across the garden.

‘I think I’ll go for a shower,’ I say, when we get to the house. ‘Goodnight, Josh, I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Night, Dad. Try and get some sleep, won’t you?’

I follow him slowly up the stairs and when I get to the landing, I stop, because our bedroom door is shut tight, a warning not to go in. I have my shower in the family bathroom but I need clean clothes and anyway, I’m desperate to talk to Livia.

Our bedroom is in darkness apart from the moonlight coming in through the window. Livia is lying under the quilt, only the top of her head visible. I know she’s awake, I can sense it. I dress as silently as I can, then sit down on the edge of the bed.

‘Liv,’ I say.

I don’t know which is worse, her angry silence or the desperate tears of before. I ache for the touch of her hand, needing her like I’ve never needed her before, because she’s the only one who knows Marnie like I know Marnie. But it’s as if I don’t exist.





Livia


I lie in bed, not knowing how I managed to get through the day. After I’d seen Adam punch Rob, I went downstairs to tell everyone I was going to have a rest and found an envelope lying on the mat by the front door. I hadn’t realised I was tearing it into pieces until Nelson’s fingers prised it from me.

‘It’s alright, Livia. I’ll take that.’

‘I don’t want it, I don’t want to see it,’ I told him, choking back an angry sob, hating that someone had already pushed a condolence card through the letterbox.

‘I know,’ he said, taking my arm. ‘Why don’t you try and get some sleep, at least rest for a while?’

‘I want to say goodbye to everyone first.’

‘Would you like me to stay?’ Jess asked, once Adam’s family had left and we were in the bedroom. Cleo was in Josh’s bedroom with him and Amy, and Nelson had gone to see Adam, who was still hiding in his shed.