The Dilemma(80)

‘No, it’s fine,’ I told her. ‘You go home, I’ll be fine.’

‘It’s just that I don’t understand why Rob didn’t come in, why he left. And now he’s not answering his phone. I’m worried about him.’

I turned away, praying that Rob wouldn’t tell her about him and Marnie, not tonight. Not ever, I realised, because what did it matter now?

She left to get Cleo and Nelson came in. ‘Will you go and see Adam?’ he asked. ‘He needs you.’

‘No. I can’t, I just can’t.’ More angry tears filled my eyes. ‘How could he do it, Nelson, how could he let the party go on when he was almost a hundred per cent sure that Marnie was on that plane? How could he have laughed and joked with everyone?’

‘To be fair, I don’t think he was laughing and joking with everyone.’

‘Even Cleo knew before me.’ I couldn’t keep the anguish from my voice. ‘Did you know too? I saw you talking to Adam at the party, he seemed distressed about something. Is that when he told you?’

‘No, I didn’t know anything. I knew something was going on with Adam and when I asked him, he said he’d done something terrible and that you’d never forgive him.’

‘He was right about that! I thought all the fuss – you know, his migraine, the way he kept disappearing into the house – was to do with my present. I didn’t realise it was because he was too much of a coward to tell me about Marnie.’

‘Adam isn’t a coward, Livia. He’s the strongest person I know. Can you imagine what he must have gone through, from when he first suspected Marnie was on the plane, until he actually found out? What he had to go through alone?’

All my resentment burst out of me. ‘If he’d told me, he wouldn’t have had to go through it by himself,’ I hissed. ‘I would have shared it with him. Stop defending him, Nelson. He was wrong and you know it.’

‘But—’

‘No.’ I slammed my hand down on the bed. ‘I don’t want to hear it! This isn’t about Adam; this is about Marnie!’

He didn’t say anything, just gave me a kiss.

‘Get some rest, Livia,’ he said gently. ‘I’m going now but I’ll be back in the morning.’

That was five minutes ago and I wished I could have asked him not to go. I don’t want to be left alone with Adam. I don’t want to think about Marnie either so I concentrate instead on the sounds around me: Nelson saying goodbye to Josh and Amy, then he and Cleo going downstairs, followed slowly by Jess. The sound of two cars pulling away from the house, Nelson’s, then Cleo’s. Then silence, which quickly becomes too loud, and I feel a mounting panic until Josh’s bedroom door opens, and he goes downstairs, giving me other sounds to focus on. The back door opening and closing, his footsteps as he crosses the terrace. I strain my ears; I can’t hear him pushing back the marquee as he squashes his way to Adam’s shed, I can only imagine it. But it’s not enough so I force my ears to pick up other sounds: Amy moving about in Josh’s room, the neighbours respectfully quiet in their gardens as they tidy up for the evening. And later – I don’t know how much later – a sound that makes my heart start racing, of Josh and Adam coming back to the house and as they come up the stairs, I hold my breath until my lungs hurt, because I don’t want Adam here, I don’t want to see him. He heads in the other direction, to the other bathroom, and I breathe a little easier while he takes a shower. But then he’s here, outside the door, and I huddle under the covers and shut my eyes tight.

He moves quietly as he dresses. Please let him go away again, I pray.

I feel him sit down on the bed.

‘Liv,’ he says and I flinch at the need in his voice. It makes me angry because why should I feel guilty for not being able to give him what he wants? All this is his fault anyway, I realise with mounting fury.

‘Why did you have to let Marnie come home for my party?’ I say, my anger muffled by the covers. ‘When she was already coming back at the end of the month?’

‘Because she wanted to surprise you,’ he says.

‘And you couldn’t resist indulging her.’

He gives a harsh laugh. ‘If I’d indulged her, I’d have insisted on her taking a direct flight.’

‘Then why didn’t you?’

‘Because I hadn’t let Josh take a direct flight to the US.’

‘Right, so it’s Josh’s fault.’

He gives a tired sigh. ‘Don’t, Livia.’

Enraged, I throw the covers off. ‘Don’t tell me what I can and can’t say!’ I cry. ‘Don’t sit there and preach at me when you’re the one who let Marnie take that flight! If you hadn’t been so stupid, she wouldn’t be dead! And to not tell anyone.’ I shake my head, spilling tears from my eyes. ‘I’ll never understand how you could act as if nothing had happened, never! When did you become so hard? You haven’t shed a single tear for Marnie. What’s happened to you, Adam? When did you become so damned unfeeling?’

He gets slowly to his feet.

‘How long have you known about Marnie and Rob?’ he asks softly.

In the dark, I can’t see his face.

‘What has that got to do with it?’ I say, suddenly afraid.