The Dilemma(75)

‘I’m on my way.’

Five minutes, ten at the most. Just enough time to phone Dad.

‘Hi Adam, to what do I owe the pleasure of an early call?’

I close my eyes, press the corners with my finger and thumb.

‘Dad.’ My voice cracks. ‘Is Mum there?’

There’s the sound of movement, then his footsteps on the stairs.

‘Not anymore. I’m in the kitchen, your mum’s in bed.’

‘Are you sitting down?’

‘No. Should I be?’

‘Yes.’

The scrape of a chair. ‘Right. Go ahead.’

‘It’s bad news, Dad. It’s about Marnie.’

I hear him take a steadying breath. ‘What’s happened?’

‘She was coming home for Livia’s party as a surprise. She had to take three planes. One of them crashed. She’s dead, Dad. Marnie’s gone.’

There’s a half-strangled cry that stops as soon as it starts.

‘I’m sorry, Dad. I’m sorry.’ The words won’t stop coming out of my mouth. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘When?’ His voice is barely a whisper. ‘When did Marnie—’ He can barely speak.

‘Yesterday. I knew in the morning, not for sure, because I thought she’d missed the flight, she said she was going to. So I let the party go on because I wanted Livia to have a last few hours of happiness. Can you understand that, Dad? Can you understand why I didn’t tell anyone?’

‘Yes, I understand,’ he says, because he knows it’s what I need to hear. ‘I’m so sorry, Adam, I can’t imagine – how is Livia, how is Josh? Are they alright?’ He gives an angry growl. ‘Of course they’re not, how could they be. I don’t know what – I’m coming over. You just stay exactly where you are. I’ll be with you soon. Is there anyone with Livia, apart from Josh?’

‘No. Nelson is on his way over. I thought, once I’ve told him, he could tell everyone who needs to know. You don’t have to come over; you should stay with Mum. Once you’ve told her – will you tell Mum? And Izzy? And Ian? Will you tell them about Marnie?’

‘We’re not leaving you to cope with this on your own,’ he says fiercely. ‘It’s going to be alright. We’ll get you through this, your mum and I. We’ll get you through it.’

I hang up quickly, before I crumble completely, wondering if I should have told Dad in person. But I don’t think I could have. I couldn’t bear to see his face, witness his distress. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell Nelson.

I lean forward and concentrate only on breathing. I don’t have to wait long for Nelson to arrive. He doesn’t say anything, he just sits down beside me and I realise he already knows. Josh must have told him, when he let him in.

‘I’m so sorry, Adam,’ he says, his voice barely a whisper.

I clear my throat. ‘Can you tell Jess? Ask her to come over, for Livia. Not Rob, just Jess.’

‘Yes, of course. What else can I do? Do you need – I don’t know – a cup of tea, or anything?’

I stand up, suddenly needing space. I look around but there are memories of the party everywhere. I walk blindly to my shed, shoving the marquee out of the way with my shoulder. The block of black walnut that I started carving for Marnie is still where I left it, on the floor in front of the bench. I slide down beside it, needing its physical presence, and close my eyes.

Time passes. Dad arrives. He sits down next to me, pulls my head to his shoulder.

‘It’s alright,’ he says gently. ‘It’s alright.’





Livia


There’s a knock at the bedroom door and as it begins to open, I get ready to yell at Adam to go away. Part of me is ashamed of the way I went for him but if he comes anywhere near me, I know I’ll attack him again. I can’t believe – I just can’t believe – that he let the party go ahead.

It isn’t Adam, it’s Nelson. As soon as I see his large frame taking up most of the doorway, I start crying again. Josh, his arm around me, pulls me closer.

Nelson comes further into the room. ‘Livia, Josh, I’m so sorry, so very sorry.’

Josh mumbles something but I don’t say anything, because what is there to say?

‘I spoke to Jess,’ Nelson continues. ‘She’s on her way over. Cleo’s bringing her.’

Relief washes over me.

‘Thank you,’ I say tearfully, because it’s Jess I need at this moment.

I sense him appraising the situation, me and Josh sitting together on the bed, me crying, Josh doing his best to comfort me.

‘Josh, can I ask you to do something? Your dad has asked me to let people know about Marnie.’ I marvel at the way Nelson says her name without any hesitation or embarrassment. It’s exactly what we need. ‘Could you get me a list of names and phone numbers, please?’

Josh gets to his feet. ‘Sure.’ His voice is hollow but there’s also a tinge of relief and I realise that Nelson’s purpose in asking him for help is to give Josh something to do.

They stand, their arms clasped around each other, and I’m glad Josh is able to take comfort from Nelson as he couldn’t from me. I wish I’d been able to be strong for him but the horror of knowing I was laughing and dancing when Marnie was already lost to us was too much. I want to reach out to him, to hug him as Nelson is doing, but more waves of pain and anguish make it impossible.