The Dilemma(72)

‘What, then?’ She sounds almost impatient.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out except a shaky sigh.

‘You’re scaring me, Adam!’ Her voice is sharp with fear. ‘Just tell me.’

I would if I could remember how. My thumb rubs the back of her hand.

‘Livia, I’m sorry, but there’s been an accident.’

Blood drains from her face. ‘Oh God, is it Marnie? What’s happened? Is she hurt, is she in hospital?’

‘No, no, she’s not hurt. She – she didn’t make it, Livia. Marnie’s gone.’

The world comes to a stop. We don’t even breathe.

‘Gone?’ Livia says, finding her voice. ‘What do you mean, gone? Gone where?’

‘I’m so sorry, Livia.’ I thought the pain couldn’t get any worse. ‘Marnie – she died. She – she’s dead.’

She snatches her hands from mine. ‘Stop it, Adam! How can you say such a thing? Don’t! Don’t, do you hear me? Don’t say such a stupid thing! She’s had an affair, that’s all!’

I try to pull her towards me but she twists away.

‘Livia, it’s true. I wish it wasn’t, but it’s true. She was coming home as a surprise, she was going to turn up at your party to surprise you but her plane – well, it crashed. It crashed on take-off from Cairo.’

‘Cairo?’ She pounces on the word. ‘Marnie wouldn’t have been in Cairo, you’ve made a mistake. Marnie’s in Hong Kong, she went away for the weekend but not to Cairo, she wouldn’t have gone to Cairo, it’s too far. Someone mentioned a plane crash at the party, I think they said Cairo. It’s alright, Adam, you’ve got mixed up, you’ve been dreaming and you’ve got mixed up.’

‘No. That’s why we’re going there tomorrow, to see where Marnie—’

‘No!’ She slaps her hands over her ears. ‘I don’t want to hear it! I don’t understand what you’re saying, I don’t understand!’

Of all the ways she could have reacted, I never expected this, that she wouldn’t want to understand what I’m telling her. I want to scream at her that she has to understand because there’s no other way to tell her that Marnie is dead. Instead, I remove her hands from her ears and fold her into my arms, holding her tight.

‘I’m so sorry, Livia, but Marnie was on the plane that crashed. She was coming home via Cairo and Amsterdam for your party. You know I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’

A wail starts from somewhere deep inside her, an echo of the one that tore out of her as she pushed Josh from her body, the same that she would have given when she brought Marnie into this world, except that I wasn’t there to hear it. I anchor her to me, letting my body take the force of her anguish. The stupid, useless platitudes that I’d been determined not to say stream from my lips.

‘It’s alright, Livia, it’s alright, everything’s going to be alright, I promise, everything’s going to be alright.’ But she’s beyond hearing, beyond listening, beyond anything but the raw pain of loss.

The bedroom door bursts open and Josh stands there, fear etched on his face. Josh, I’d forgotten about Josh.

‘Mum!’ He stares at Livia, collapsed against me, and panic takes hold. ‘Dad, what’s happened? What’s happened? Is it Grandad? Gran?’

It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was meant to tell Livia, then Josh, separately, one at a time, so that I could be there for both of them. I hold out a hand.

‘Josh. Come here.’

He stays glued to the spot, paralysed by fear. ‘What’s happened? Dad, what’s happened?’

It’s hard to make myself heard over Livia’s terrible weeping. ‘I need you to come here. Please.’

He comes over and sits on the bed. ‘What is it, what’s going on?’

I put my hand on his shoulder.

‘Josh, it’s Marnie.’ I can’t go on because the mention of her name adds to Livia’s grief.

‘What do you mean, it’s Marnie?’ Panic spirals in his eyes. ‘Has she had an accident?’

‘There’s been a plane crash. I’m sorry, Josh, but Marnie was on it.’

‘Plane crash? Where? How?’

‘In Cairo. Marnie was on her way home; she was going to turn up at the party as a surprise. The plane crashed, on take-off.’

Josh stares at me. ‘You mean – you mean—’ He tries another tack. ‘She’s alright, isn’t she?’

I shake my head. ‘No, no, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’ He waits. ‘She’s gone. Marnie died in the crash.’

He goes so white I’m afraid for him. I move my hand to the back of his head, draw him towards me and Livia. And hold them while they fall.





Livia


Everything has stopped. I can’t breathe, the room is crowding me.

It can’t be true. This isn’t happening, it can’t be true. I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Marnie was in Cairo. She said she was going away so that she could revise in peace, so what was she doing in Cairo? Cairo is noisy, she wouldn’t get any peace there. Adam keeps telling me that she was on her way here, for the party, but that doesn’t make sense. Why would she be in Cairo if she was coming here? Adam has explained, over and over again, to me and to Josh, because Josh doesn’t understand it any more than I do. He keeps saying that she was on her way to Amsterdam but that doesn’t make sense either. Josh, poor Josh. I’m glad he’s quiet now, I couldn’t bear it when he was crying, his body juddering through Adam’s to mine. It cut though my pain and made me able to comfort him.