Undone(88)

‘Is she … ?’

He slumps into the chair opposite me. ‘She’s gone.’ He sees my reaction and says, ‘No! They’ve taken her in the ambulance. She’s not …’

The adrenaline doesn’t dissipate, in spite of the immense relief. ‘What do the doctors say?’

‘What do you care?’ The anger’s there, bubbling beneath the surface – I can see that, but his tone is measured.

‘I care.’ And it’s true. Possibly the most honest thing I’ve said in a long time.

‘Do you?’

‘Of course I care, Lucas.’ He shakes his head and stares out the window. Except it’s dark outside and light inside, so he’s actually staring at a reflection of us sitting at this table in this depressing place. ‘She’s not … going to die, is she?’

‘They don’t think so. But it’s serious – really serious. Her face …’ He shakes his head again. I’m pretty sure we’re both thinking about how beautiful she is. Was.

‘But they can do amazing things these days, can’t they? The doctors, I mean? I saw this programme …’ I sound like a child.

‘It’s bad, Jem.’ Is there a note of pity in his voice or am I imagining it? I must be imagining it.

‘This is all my fault.’ The very act of voicing what he must be thinking makes me feel a little better somehow.

He says nothing. Clenches his fist.

‘I’m sorry, Lucas.’ I make a move to reach across the table to touch his hand, but then I realize what I’m doing. The space between us couldn’t be any wider.

‘What for? The accident? The graffiti? The magazines? Being a complete bitch to Sasha?’

‘All of the above?’ He doesn’t crack a smile at my attempt to lighten the mood. ‘And I’m sorry for how I treated you.’

‘Are you going to tell me why? Because I can’t even begin to guess … it makes no sense. Bugs, Sasha, even Stu in his own way, I guess … they’ve been nothing but nice to you. Especially Sasha. And I … well, you know exactly how I feel about you.’

My heart does a little leap at the word ‘feel’, even though deep down I know he means ‘felt’. Because there’s no way. There’s just no way.

There’s no reason to lie any more. I’ve been keeping this secret so long, so deeply hidden inside me, that it takes a moment or two for me to find the words and when I do they’re not even the right ones – not exactly. ‘I did it for Kai.’

‘What?!’ Too loud. The guy with the mop turns to see what’s going on. Lucas doesn’t notice because he’s too busy looking at me like I’m deranged.

I wait until the mop guy has turned his attention back to page three of The Sun, then I lean towards Lucas and lower my voice. ‘The video?’

Lucas shakes his head again. He’s doing a lot of that. ‘What video? You mean, the one where he …’

‘What other video is there?!’ My anger seems to have returned from nowhere.

‘I don’t understand. What’s that got to do with us lot? With me?’

Now it’s my turn to shake my head. ‘Lucas, come on.’ I’m not going to forgive him if he admits it now, but I’ll feel a whole lot more charitable if he doesn’t make me drag it out of him.

‘What are you getting at? Wait … you don’t think we … ?’ My facial expression makes it abundantly clear that this is exactly what I think. ‘Why the hell would you think that? Jesus, Jem. I would never do something like that. You know that. You know me.’ He’s doing a really good job of looking wounded.

I whisper fiercely, ‘I know it was you, so can you just cut the crap? So maybe it was Stu’s idea and he did all the dirty work, but you were involved, which makes you just as guilty as far as I’m concerned.’

He holds his hands up as if I’m pointing a gun at him. ‘Jem, I swear to you. It wasn’t us. Look at me, OK?’ I meet his eyes and I really look, and I know I’m terrible at this sort of thing but suddenly I’m not sure any more and … ‘What made you think it was us? Because it was at Max’s party?’

‘No … I … someone told me. And as soon as they did, it all made sense. Stu was pissed off that I wouldn’t have sex with him – wounded pride or whatever – and everyone knew me and Kai were best friends, so he went after Kai to get back at me. Fucking cowardly bastard. And I saw you and Bugs taking the piss, pretending to be gay or whatever.’ I don’t mention the fact that I saw Stu on his phone too, because suddenly that little bit of evidence doesn’t seem as convincing as it did before. Suddenly none of it seems quite as convincing as it did before.

He’s looking at me like I’m crazy. ‘What are you even talking about? I can’t believe you thought I’d be involved with something like that. Why didn’t you just ask me, if you were so sure it was true?’

‘Yeah, cos that would have really worked. None of you even knew I existed a year ago. And like you’d have admitted it anyway!’

‘Of course I wouldn’t have admitted it! It’s not bloody true! So all this was just … what, exactly?’

‘I wanted to pay you back. All of you.’ And it all seems so stupid now – so pointless and pathetic.