Undone(87)

Once Lucas had put out the flames with a blanket, none of us knew what to do next. Sasha kept screaming and there was nothing we could do to make her stop. Lucas was the only one who was any use. He told Bugs to find some water, then he poured it on her face. I had no idea if this was the right thing to do, but he seemed so confident, so calm.

There was only one bottle of water; everything else was spirits. Whenever anyone in our family has even the tiniest burn or scald, Mum makes us hold it under the cold tap for at least ten minutes. I don’t know what difference it makes, but she’s adamant about it. So what good could one measly bottle of water possibly do? We’d have been better off chucking Sasha in the river.

When the paramedics eventually arrived, they stabilized Sasha before taking her away on a stretcher. Lucas followed closely behind. My feet just kept moving, pulling me in the direction of the hospital even though I would have given anything to be somewhere else. Bugs didn’t say a word to me on the way there. He walked a couple of steps in front of me the whole time. Or maybe I walked a couple of steps behind him. I didn’t even notice Stu wasn’t with us until the automatic doors at A&E closed behind us.

Her perfect face. Red raw, eyelids swelling shut. Eyelashes and eyebrows singed to nothing.

She didn’t even have a chance to put her hands out to break her fall.

Her perfect face.

Ruined.





chapter fifty-three


I’m sitting with my head in my hands when I hear a voice I haven’t heard in months. ‘Jem? Is that you?’

I say a startled hi, then ask her what she’s doing here, which is the stupidest question imaginable because I know exactly what she’s doing here. ‘I work here, love. Remember?’ Kai’s mum is looking at me like I’m deranged. She sits down next to me on a tatty plastic chair. ‘Is that girl – Sasha, is it? – a friend of yours?’

I nod. And I realize that it’s true: Sasha is a friend of mine. Or was, might have been, could have been.

‘It’s a terrible thing … were you there when it happened?’ Another nod from me and she puts her hand on my arm. ‘Oh, you poor love! You’ve been through so much.’

I don’t deserve her pity, but I stay silent.

‘She’s getting the best possible care, you know. You really mustn’t worry. Listen, I clock off in a few minutes. How about I give you a lift home? You look exhausted … and there’s nothing you can do here.’

I finally meet her eye and it’s all I can do not to fall into her arms sobbing. I look away fast before that happens. ‘Thank you, but I’d like to stay here. Until they move her. I just feel like I should be here, you know? In case …’

‘Oh, Jem. You have to stay positive, OK? If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that you have to stay positive.’ Her voice wavers but doesn’t crack. ‘We’ve missed you, Jem. No, no, you don’t need to say anything, I understand how painful it must be for you. But you’re always welcome in our house, I want you to know that. I meant what I said at the funeral … you’re like a second daughter to me. So if you ever need someone to talk to – about anything – you need to know I’m here … and since my own daughter barely speaks to me any more, God knows I could do with the company.’ I smile awkwardly, not a clue what to say. ‘Thank goodness Louise wasn’t with you girls tonight … the thought of losing her too … doesn’t bear thinking about. Not that your friend’s going to … I’m sorry, I’m exhausted. I’ll leave you in peace.’ She hugs me and her shoulder blades feel all bony. She was always skinny, but now she’s skeletal.

I wonder where she thinks Louise was tonight. And I wonder where Louise is now. I should call her, I know that. She needs to know what’s happened. I already tried calling Amber, but she must have left her phone in the cloakroom at Espionage. Maybe Lucas has already called Louise; there’s no way I can ask him.

I should go home. There’s no reason for me to be here. Sasha wouldn’t want me here. But the thought of going over and over things with Mum and Dad is more than I can cope with. And I want to wait in case there’s news.

I text Lucas: I’ll be in the canteen in case you hear anything.

I don’t expect a reply and I don’t get one.

Half an hour later I’m in the canteen, sitting in the corner furthest from the door. The only other people here are a man with a mop, who has done precisely no mopping since I arrived, and a forty-something female doctor who looks like she might be trying to chat up the hot young guy she’s sitting opposite. He looks interested – knackered, but interested.

I’m drinking a carton of orange juice – the kind I used to have in my packed lunch when I was ten. It feels sour and wrong in my stomach, but I keep sucking juice through the tiny straw just for something to do. The straw is making loud gurgling noises, trying to suck up every last drop of juice, when he comes in.

He looks wrecked. Like he’s been through the spin cycle in a washing machine a couple of times. When he’s close enough for me to see that his eyes are red my entire body floods with panic. I feel it through my whole body, right to my fingertips. She’s dead. I’m sure of it.

I put my hands flat on the table to steady myself. The nail varnish is chipped already. Sasha told me it would last for days when she was painting my nails. She was wearing the same shade. It’s her favourite colour. A deep red so dark it’s almost black.