Undone(90)

I looked up at him. His face had a yellowish tinge, almost like a faded bruise. I wondered if this would be the last time I’d ever see him. There was so much I should say to try to fix things, but it was too late. No words I could say would ever be enough to undo the things I’d done. The words I did manage to stutter out were so pathetically inadequate I almost laughed. ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s what you say when you step on someone’s toes or accidentally queue-jump. Not when you have used someone in the worst possible way, accused them of doing something they would never ever do and nearly killed their ex-girlfriend. His eyes were fixed on mine for the longest time before he turned to walk away. He was a few paces away when he stopped. He didn’t turn to look at me though. He kept his back to me as he said the words that seared themselves onto my brain. ‘I did notice you, you know. Before. I remember the day you came to school wearing those purple Docs and Miss Maynard marched you out of the canteen. I remember you and Kai laughing. You always seemed to be laughing at something. And I used to wonder what was so funny.’

‘Lucas? Look at me. Please look at me.’

His hands clenched into fists and his shoulders tensed up. ‘I can’t.’

Then he walked away. His progress towards the door was painfully slow, almost as if he wanted me to stop him. I watched to see if he looked back before the doors swung closed behind him. He didn’t. The boy I loved – the boy who had loved me like I wanted to be loved – didn’t look back.

It’s still not light by the time I get to the bridge. A fine mist cloaks the water below. The rain starts to fall almost as soon as I get there. Then it starts to bucket down and my teeth are chattering within minutes.

This must have been what it was like for him.

I don’t even know what I’m doing here. It’s not like I’m going to jump or anything. And it’s not as if being here makes me feel particularly close to him. But it’s as good a way as any to pass the time.

Mum calls and I tell her I’m heading to Lucas’s house for a bit. She’s not happy, but she doesn’t fight me on it. She just tells me she’s worried about me and that I should call her if I want a lift home. Before she has a chance to change her mind I say that Mrs Mahoney has just pulled up outside the hospital so I’d really better go. I don’t even have to think about lying these days – it’s no effort at all.

I stand there for God knows how long, hands gripping the railing even though it’s wet and icy cold. My hands look red and raw.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. It startles me so much I stumble into the railing, and for a micro-second I imagine it breaking and me falling. Would it really be so bad? But the railing holds fast and I turn to face the owner of the mystery hand.

It’s a red-haired woman, about thirty years old, dressed for the gym. Black cropped leggings and a neon pink cropped vest. I look over her shoulder and see a car with the driver’s door wide open.

She stands in front of me, the rain gradually turning her hair a darker red. I’m determined not to be the first one to speak.

‘Hi. Is everything … OK?’ She starts to shiver and I bet she wishes she’d worn a hoodie. Or just stayed in her stupid car.

‘Yes.’

‘Can I give you a lift or something?’

‘No.’ My tone’s a little harsh and I can’t help adding a quiet ‘thank you’, even though I really don’t want to. Old habits die hard, I guess.

‘Are you sure? Is there someone I can call then?’

I shake my head.

‘Look, I’m not going to leave you here, OK? I wouldn’t want you to …’ She nods her head, indicating the river below and half laughs in a self-conscious sort of way.

‘What makes you think I would?’

‘Oh, I don’t know … maybe something to do with the fact that you’re standing here in the pissing rain at an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning?’

A snort of laughter escapes me even though there’s really nothing to laugh about. ‘Good point. No need to worry, I’m not going to top myself …’ I don’t add the yet that I’m screaming inside. I look at my watch and it’s just about a respectable time to turn up at someone’s front door, and I am freezing. ‘Actually, I could do with a lift back into town, if it’s not too much trouble.’

The woman’s face lights up, and you can tell she thinks she’s just saved a life. She’ll probably go home and tell her husband or boyfriend or cat all about it. She probably reckons there’s some seriously good karma coming her way. Who knows? Maybe there is, for making sure I don’t die of hypothermia before I’m ready.

As we’re getting into the car she tells me her name is Melissa. ‘And you are … ?’

‘Kai.’ I say it without thinking.

‘That’s an unusual name. Kai – it suits you.’

Melissa turns the heating up and talks pretty much non-stop the rest of the way. It’s only a five-minute journey, but I find out a lot about her in those five minutes. It’s amazing how much a complete stranger is willing to share with you when they think they’ve saved your life.

When she pulls up outside the house, she puts her hand on my arm. ‘Are you going to be OK, Kai?’ She really seems to care. It’s sort of sweet actually.