Undone(93)

‘I’ve always known that,’ she snaps. ‘Even if it hadn’t been made clear to me every single day of my life, I’d still know that. But he shouldn’t have–’ She shakes her head quickly, eyes closed.

‘Shouldn’t have what?’

‘Nothing.’ And it’s the type of nothing that makes you absolutely certain it’s something.

‘Louise, if there’s something you’re not telling me …’ I sound like I’m in control now. I sound like someone who should be listened to. Someone dangerous almost. It’s an act, but she’s not to know that.

She shakes her head again and looks away. Looks at Max.

And that’s when I know. That’s when I realize I’ve been stupid. We’ve all been so very stupid.





chapter fifty-six


‘You. It was you.’ Not a question. A statement of fact.

Max slumps down onto the bed. Louise closes the door. And then the most bizarre thing happens: Max starts to cry. Louise says, ‘Oh for f*ck’s sake,’ and stomps over to the window, turning her back on us both.

As Max sits there sniffling I can’t help but notice he’s sitting in the same position he was sitting in that night. It would be funny if it wasn’t so awful. ‘So you’re … gay?’

‘No! Fuck no!’ He swipes at the tears with the sleeve of his shirt. ‘I liked him. That’s all.’ A derisory snort from Louise.

My brain’s working hard to put together the pieces. It’s all so simple now. Like one of those four-piece jigsaws for toddlers. So. Fucking. Obvious. ‘That wasn’t the first time, was it? At the party?’ My voice is gentle; for some reason the fight has gone out of me. I actually find myself feeling sorry for this boy. It’s not his fault. Not really.

Louise answers, ‘Oh no. They’d been at it for a good few weeks by then. My brother f*cking my boyfriend. Can you even begin to imagine how that feels?’ For the very first time I try to put myself in her shoes; they’re not very comfortable shoes to be in. ‘I found a text from Kai on his phone, talking about hooking up at the party.’ She shudders with revulsion and I can’t tell if it’s the thought of two boys hooking up, or these two boys in particular.

‘So you … filmed them?’ This is the thing that’s hardest to understand. It’s cruel, calculated. But I have never, ever been able to understand this girl.

She leans on the windowsill and crosses her arms defensively. ‘I wasn’t planning it or anything. I was upset. And wasted.’

‘You weren’t wasted when you emailed it though, were you?’ It’s a petty point to make, but I can’t help myself. I already know that she’s going to get away with it. That no one will ever know the truth. I could tell people, if I really wanted to. I could tell Lucas and the others, tell the police. But it wouldn’t make anything better. Lucas and Sasha would never forgive me. Kai would still be dead, but it would be even worse because the newspapers would be raking over his personal life. And two more lives would be ruined – the lives of people that Kai really cared about. I won’t tell.

Max has his head in his hands and I want to put my arms around him. I want to tell him that it’s OK – that I don’t blame him. That it really doesn’t matter if he’s gay or bi or whatever. That he doesn’t need to stay with Louise if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to have a girlfriend, and especially not one as f*cked up as her. I want to ask him how he could have stayed with her all this time, knowing what she’d done. Had she been holding it over him, threatening to out him if he did anything wrong? Did she remind him of Kai in some way? Or did he actually care about her and want to make a go of things? Had he loved Kai? Had Kai loved him? There are so many things I want to say and questions I want to ask. But I won’t. I don’t know this boy at all, even though he’s the key to everything.

I feel stretched and flattened by the truth. It’s time for me to go.

I turn my back on them.

I’m opening the door when Max says, ‘You’re not going to say anything to anyone are you, Jem?’ He doesn’t sound too hopeful.

I take one last look at him. One last look at her. They’re broken too. I shouldn’t forget that. But I can’t quite bring myself to reassure them. I’m not sure they deserve it.

They’ll know the answer to Max’s question soon enough.

I walk home so slowly that sometimes I’m hardly moving forward at all. I keep trying to picture it all going differently.

Max and Louise would never have got together. No. That’s not the start. Kai and I would be living in a world where nobody cared about your sexual orientation. Being gay wouldn’t be gossiped about or frowned upon – it wouldn’t even be worth mentioning. It would just be a fact. A mundane sort of fact. Max would arrive at school and Kai would fancy him and he would fancy Kai, and one of them would ask the other one out (Max would do the asking, most probably). And I wouldn’t be jealous because I would see how happy Kai was.

A year later and they would still be together. And they would be that couple. The one that just seems right. You can imagine them staying together forever because they’re just so damn perfect for each other. You don’t resent them though, because they give you hope. Maybe one day you could be as happy as they are. But you don’t mind waiting, because for now you have your best friend (and favourite person in the world) by your side and that’s enough.