Undone(84)

Sasha breaks the silence. ‘What’s that, Stu?’

He holds up the pen for all to see. It’s an unremarkable pen in every way. A thick red marker pen. Permanent ink.

Bugs says, ‘No offence, Jem, but you could really do with some lessons from Santa when it comes to choosing gifts. Just for the record, you can’t go wrong with vouchers.’

Now it’s Sasha’s turn to pipe up. ‘Am I missing something here?’

Stu’s gripping the pen so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if he crushed it. ‘It was her.’

‘What was her? What are you on about, mate?’ Lucas sounds worried. Somehow he knows this is serious. Maybe he’s seen Stu like this before. Or maybe he senses something different about me.

‘The graffiti. It was her.’ And my eyes are still locked on his, as if no one else matters.

‘What do you mean, it was her? Don’t be stupid.’ Lucas sounds so very sure. So very convinced that his girlfriend couldn’t possibly have done such a thing. I mean, why would she?

‘Why don’t you ask her then?’ There’s something dangerous in Stu’s voice.

Sasha and Lucas both say, ‘Jem?’ at exactly the same time, but neither one shouts ‘Jinx’ like they normally would.

‘Now we’re in for some fun and games,’ murmurs Louise. I wish she’d just disappear.

I could still get away with saying it was a bad joke. The others would believe me, but Stu wouldn’t be so easily convinced. He sees me now.

‘It was me.’ Now I look at Lucas, then Sasha. Their faces are identical pictures of confusion. I don’t think they believe me. I have to make them believe me. ‘It was me. I wrote that stuff on the walls.’ My voice doesn’t sound like my own; it’s detached. Toneless.

‘And you put those magazines in Bugs’s car too.’ There’s no question mark at the end of Stu’s sentence. He’s worked it all out. Clever boy.

‘Is that true, Jem?’ Bugs’s face is more serious than I’ve ever seen it. Serious looks wrong on him.

‘It’s true.’

‘I don’t … I don’t get it. Why would you do that to me? The whole f*cking school thinks I’m queer! I … I thought we were friends?’ He looks like a little boy who’s just been told that the tooth fairy’s not real, or that his parents are getting divorced. ‘What did I ever do to you?’

The question hangs in the air, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to answer it quite yet. I finally look over at Lucas, who’s staring at the small parcel in his hands. He opens it slowly, as if he’s worried the contents might explode. Tiny strips of leather fall into his lap, and he shakes his head in disbelief. When I see the look on his face, something inside me cracks, but I have to hold myself together because there’s no going back now.

Louise stands and pulls Max up with her. He looks massively uncomfortable – he doesn’t know where to look. Louise speaks to Sasha. ‘Look, we’re just going to go, OK? I can’t be doing with this drama. I’m supposed to be avoiding stressful situations.’ That must be down to her counsellor, because Louise has always been very fond of drama. She squeezes Sasha’s shoulder and mutters, ‘Call me,’ and then she’s walking away. Max trails after her without a word. I got my wish after all.

Everyone starts to talk at once. Lucas puts his hand on my knee. He’s the only one I hear. His touch on my bare skin almost makes me lose the plot. ‘Jem?’

‘Don’t touch me.’ The words are cold and hard and he recoils. He removes his hand from my leg.

Still he comes back for more. ‘Jem? Talk to me, please? We can sort this out …’ The hand is back, more tentative this time. ‘I’m sure there must be some explanation, right? I—’

‘I said: Don’t. Fucking. Touch me.’ I brush his hand off and look anywhere but his face. I can’t watch his face as I do this.

Sasha’s up next. ‘Jem, just tell them you didn’t do it, OK? This is hilarious and all that, but can we just pretend it never happened and go home? You played a practical joke. It backfired. Let’s just forget about it. Please?’ She crouches down in front of me and tries to score some eye contact. Eventually she succeeds and it’s painful to look at her. Her eyes are wide; she looks scared almost.

‘Are you f*cking stupid or something, Sasha? Actually, don’t answer. We all know the answer to that. Do you really need me to spell it out for you? I put those magazines in Bugs’s car. I wrote that stuff on the wall. And while we’re confessing things, I might as well tell you that there is no f*cking way I’m your “best friend”. I can barely stand to be around you. I’ve never met anyone in my whole life so shallow and self-obsessed in my whole life. And I’ve met Amber, so that’s saying something.’

Sasha takes a moment to process the information. She shakes her head and frowns. ‘What … why are you doing this?’ I think she might cry. I might too if I’m not careful. Just got to hold it together for a little while longer.

Stu’s been pacing up and down. ‘You bitch. You f*cking bitch. Do you have any idea what you’ve done? This is about that night at the party, isn’t it? You thought I was trying to … going to …’