Undone(80)

Why the f*ck are you asking me? That’s what I want to say. But I guess in Sasha’s world this is exactly the sort of conversation best friends are supposed to have. ‘Sash, we’ve been here all of ten minutes. You don’t need to decide now, do you? Why don’t you talk to him a bit more? Find out some more about him … starting with his actual name, perhaps.’

She laughs. ‘Honey, I’m not looking for a husband for Christ’s sake … I just want to get laid.’

I cringe and she laughs and calls me a prude.

‘Hey! I’m so not! I just … I don’t know. I think you deserve better than a shag with some random posh boy in the woods, that’s all.’ I’m surprised to find I actually mean it.

She smiles at me indulgently like I’m a toddler who’s just done something totally adorable or used a potty for the first time. ‘Awwww, you’re too cute. Really. Thanks for looking out for me, best friend. But don’t try to tell me you and Lucas won’t be at it like rabbits before the night is out.’ Her laugh is filthy.

She knows me too well. Even though she doesn’t know me at all. ‘Fine, go shag Rory-Corey-Balamory. I’ll catch up with you later, OK?’

She grins. ‘You’re the bestest best friend ever, you know?’

I roll my eyes. ‘Yeah, yeah.’ I grab her arm just as she’s about to scarper. ‘Make sure he uses a condom, OK?’

‘Yes, Mum!’

Then I’m alone. I could slip into the woods and head home. I take a single step away from the firelight and music. Then another step. The moonlight is more than bright enough to guide me through the trees. Before I know what’s happening, the trees have thinned and I’m standing on the edge of the ravine. Looking down at the river. The bridge is on my right, but I’m careful not to look at it. The lights twinkle in the corner of my eye, trying their best to attract my attention, but I’m stronger than that.

Everything looks eerie and beautiful in the moonlight. It’s a scene you could write poems about, if you were the kind of person who did that sort of thing.

The sound of the water is loud in my ears, drowning out the music and laughter and shouting from the woods. I stand so close to the edge that the toes of my boots are resting on nothing but thin air. It would be so easy to take another step. So tempting.

I think of him. Jumping. Did he change his mind as soon as he jumped?

Falling.

Hitting the rocks.

Did it hurt? What if the last thing he felt was unimaginable pain?

I step back from the edge. I have work to do.





chapter forty-nine


By the time I make it back to the clearing a few more people have arrived. Still, it’s not a huge party – maybe twenty people in total. More a gathering really. Sasha’s nowhere to be seen, so I assume she’s with Posh Boy or some other random guy.

There’s a couple dancing near the fire. As I get closer I see that it’s Amber and Sebastian, grinding away like no one’s looking. Her coat’s nowhere to be seen and her boobs are practically hanging out of her too-tight top. The rest of Sebastian’s mates are lounging around the fire, watching. Amber’s loving the attention. She’ll make an excellent stripper one day.

‘Don’t suppose there’s room for me under there?’ Lucas hugs me close to him and I pull the blanket around his shoulders. ‘Where did you disappear off to? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.’

I bury my face in his neck and breathe him in. There’s a vaguely smoky smell as well as the aftershave he wears because he knows I like it so much. I close my eyes and forget, just for a minute.

‘Do you want another drink? Or I could toast a marshmallow for you?’ He’s always doing this, seeing if I want stuff. Checking I’m OK. Almost like he cares.

‘That’s the best offer I’ve had all day.’ I smile up at him and we look into each other’s eyes for a moment or two.

So we sit on a log by the fire, snuggled up under the blanket. And Lucas toasts some marshmallows and I burn the roof of my mouth a little and he licks some sticky oozy marshmallow off my fingers and it’s all very cute. Anyone watching us would think we’re the perfect couple.

Max and Louise are sitting across the fire from us. You wouldn’t notice anything was wrong unless you were looking, but I’m always looking. Max has his arm around Louise’s shoulders, but his attention is focused on Bugs, who seems to be involved in some sort of drinking challenge (against himself, of all people, since his usual drinking buddy seems intent on spending his evening staring moodily into the fire). Louise keeps getting her phone out every couple of minutes. When she’s not busy texting she’s sipping from a bottle of wine and looking like she’d rather be anywhere but here. I catch her eye once or twice, but she pretends not to notice. Maybe it’s getting to her after all – being close to the bridge.

All of a sudden I’m hit by a massive wave of guilt and I wish more than anything that I’d done what Kai asked me to. I should have looked out for her. Made her talk to me even though she made it abundantly clear she didn’t want to. We could have helped each other, I think. Once we’d got over the whole ‘hating each other’ thing. But it’s too late now. I just have to assume she’s going to be fine. I hope she’ll be OK, I really do.