Undone(78)
While we’re hugging she says, ‘We should probably get a couple of those BFF necklaces, don’t you think?’
‘Why stop there? Why don’t we get those classy broken-heart pendants … you know, the ones you put together to make the heart whole again? Or matching tattoos, maybe? That would be such a good look.’ Sasha starts to giggle, which makes me laugh.
The weird thing is, I can almost imagine a future in which we are the kind of friends she thinks we are now. I’m not entirely sure how I’ve ended up in a place where I can imagine such a thing, but I really, truly can. We would go and stay at her house in Scotland and steal a bottle of something from her dad’s drinks cabinet and stay up late talking about boys and go hiking in the mountains the next day. This almost-possible future shimmers in front of me, vanishing whenever I try to focus on it. It’s just as well really, because if I could see it properly it might actually be a future I would want. A future almost worth living for.
chapter forty-eight
Mum and Dad are watching TV when we eventually come downstairs. We’re running late, of course. Sasha couldn’t make up her mind about what to wear. She brought three tops with her, tried each one on twice, asked me detailed questions about how awesome her rack looked and then ended up wearing something of mine she found by rummaging through my wardrobe when I was in the shower. It’s not even new – some old band T-shirt I haven’t worn in years. She decided to go for a ‘rock chick’ look, as she calls it, in honour of my new hair. She looks good. I won’t be getting the T-shirt back, of course. Not that it matters.
We’re both wearing short skirts and boots. Sasha’s wearing tights but I’m not. I have my reasons. I’m going to be f*cking freezing, but I don’t care. I’ll just stand right next to the fire for most of the evening or something.
Mum makes us parade in front of her, much to Dad’s embarrassment. There’s not much a dad can really do in this situation, is there? Nothing he says will be right. Mum says we look lovely – she’s not the least bit bothered that my skirt’s even shorter than Sasha’s. She even compliments Sasha on the bloody T-shirt, which is strange because she never liked me wearing stuff like that. (‘Couldn’t you wear something a bit less … black?’) Then she says something ridiculous about us looking like sisters, which really tickles Sasha for some bizarre reason. She slings her arm around my shoulder and calls me ‘sis’ on the way out of the front door. Sasha’s slightly pissed. I’m completely sober, even though she thinks I drank as much as she did of the vodka she brought. Not very observant, that girl. There’s no way I can risk being wasted this evening.
Mum and Dad think the party is at Lucas’s house. I probably didn’t need to lie, but you can never be entirely sure about the things parents will freak out about. And Mum knows that I can’t stand being anywhere near the bridge these days, so she’d probably think something was up. Dad’s given me money to get a taxi to be home by one at the very latest. Sasha’s never allowed to stay out past midnight, so she won’t shut up about how ‘cool’ my parents are. ‘I’m staying at your place every weekend from now on … you don’t mind, do you?’ I link arms with her and say, ‘Of course I don’t mind.’
We meet Louise and Amber at the church, which is looking even creepier than usual. I’ve only ever seen it in the daytime before. The graveyard is one of those really old ones with headstones sticking out of the undergrowth at odd angles. It’s the complete opposite of where Kai is buried; he’d have preferred it here. The two of us used to come up here and wander about, reading the inscriptions. There was never anyone else around and it was nice and peaceful among all the dead people.
Amber’s wearing a fake fur coat that makes hugging her a pleasant experience for once. Louise is wearing as little as possible – not even a coat. She clearly doesn’t want to hide her assets, even if it means a slight case of frostbite. I can’t tell if she’s smirking or smiling when she says, ‘Nice hair,’ to me. Amber says she LOVES it and wishes she could get away with something so extreme. Extreme hair? Fuckwit.
Louise leads the way through the graveyard – she’s even brought a torch. There’s a beautiful stone archway you have to go under to get to the path through the woods. I have a picture on my phone of Kai standing there with his arms reaching out to touch both sides of the archway. The photo is one of my all-time favourites – he looks a little bit like an angel.
I wonder if Louise is thinking about him or if she genuinely has no problem being this close to the place he died. She certainly seems fine, yammering on about Max, but maybe she’s trying to distract herself. Amber’s trying to talk to me about Lucas, but all I can think about is how cold my legs are and how I’m a complete f*cking idiot for not wearing jeans or long johns or something. The others don’t seem the slightest bit bothered by the cold, which makes me wonder if maybe I’m shivering because I’m nervous – scared, even. I keep telling myself that it will all be over soon. A few more hours and I’ll be back at home in my own bed and I’ll never have to spend another minute in the company of these people.
We hear the party before we see it. Crappy R & B music blaring out through the woods, and it jars somehow. There should be someone playing an acoustic guitar at the very least, accompanied by some bongo drums perhaps.