Undone(82)

I kiss his neck the way he likes and feel his Adam’s apple move under my lips when he swallows hard. I press my body into his and he groans, but it’s a different, frustrated sort of groan and it stops me in my tracks. I remove my hand from his crotch and look up at him. ‘Er … what’s wrong?’

He closes his eyes and squirms like he’s in pain. ‘Believe it or not, I did actually want to talk to you.’

‘But I thought you wanted to—’

‘Jem, if I wanted to have sex with you, I would have said something like, “Let’s go have sex in the woods.” Not very romantic, I know, but it would have got the point across.’ Lucas never says shagging or f*cking. Sometimes I wish he would.

I clamber off him and make a cursory effort to smooth down my tousled hair. ‘OK, I’m listening. What do you want to talk about? Philosophy? Current affairs?’

He sits up and shakes his head, smiling. ‘You’re such a smart-arse, you know that?’

‘Yup, and you love it.’

His smile vanishes and he’s dead serious all of a sudden. ‘I do, actually.’

‘Um … OK.’ I giggle nervously. And the nerves are actually real.

‘I love you, Jem. That’s why I wanted to talk. Well, it’s not so much talking as saying something really. Because you don’t have to say anything back. I just had to say it. So … yeah. I love you. Kind of a lot.’ He doesn’t look away. His eyes are on mine the whole time.

I have no words. Because I think he means it. I mean, he can’t possibly actually love me, because this thing we’re doing isn’t real. But I think he believes it, which is the important thing. Everything has been leading up to this moment, even though I didn’t think it would ever happen. I was working hard towards something that I never dared think possible.

The silence continues, neither of us breaking eye contact. I need to say something soon. Now, in fact. ‘I love you too.’ I don’t stutter or mumble as I say the words. They’re surprisingly easy words to say, when it comes down to it. They trip off the tongue so nicely.

‘Really?’ I wasn’t expecting this. It makes him sound … needy.

‘Yes, really.’

‘I … I wasn’t sure. Of course I hoped you might feel the same, but I … sometimes you seem kind of distant, like you’re thinking about other things when we’re together, but when you’re with me – when you’re really with me – it’s … pretty amazing.’

The talking needs to stop. ‘You’d better kiss me now, Lucas Mahoney.’

He smiles – a smile to rival the sweetest smile I’ve ever known. A smile that I would have given anything to see on Kai’s face in this situation – or any situation. I would kill to see that smile again.

Lucas pulls me towards him gently. He kisses me and it’s all tender and soft. It’s not what I want, but I let him lead the way for a minute or two. Then I push him back down onto the blanket and do things my way.

As I unzip his jeans I realize that I’m angry. I’m angry with him for saying those ridiculous words, and I’m angry with myself for saying them back. I feel like I’ve betrayed myself in some fundamental way. Betrayed Kai.

When we’re doing it I’m trying really, really hard not to think about anything. I try not to think that this is the last time I’ll ever have sex. I try to focus all my thoughts on how good it feels. How powerful I feel when I’m on top of him.

Lucas is close to coming when the cold realization hits me: I’m angry because I feel something. And that something was definitely not part of the Plan.

Those words were easy to say for a reason.

Those words were easy to say because I meant them.

Fuck.

We lie facing each other on the blanket. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and rests his hand on my cheek. There is serious gazing going on here and it’s not all one way.

There are tears fighting to escape, but I won’t let them. Tears would ruin everything.

Eventually I say, ‘We should probably get back to the party. People might think we’ve been eaten by wild bears or something.’

Lucas smiles lazily. ‘I’m sure people have a pretty good idea of what we’ve been doing.’

‘You’re probably right. Still, I think you should go back first. I’ll be right behind you.’

He’s puzzled, which is understandable. But he doesn’t question me. He’s floating on that hazy post-sex cloud.

He tells me he loves me again, and this time I can’t say it back. I just can’t. He doesn’t seem to mind, because I kiss him like I love him.

He leaves me sitting on the red blanket. Alone in the woods.

I wait a few minutes – five, maybe ten. Longer than I should. Am I really going to do this? Am I brave enough to do this with all those people watching?

I think of him. My Kai. Curled up under his desk. Broken and lost.

Yes. I can do this. I must do this.





chapter fifty-one


The first surprise is that a strange sense of calm descends on me as I make my way back to the clearing. I’m ready for this. They can do their worst; I’m immune to whatever they can throw at me. I’ve no doubt that it’s going to be ugly, but that’s fine with me.