Undone(73)

Stu keeps his head down, mostly. He doesn’t look well. There are dark circles under his eyes as well as a look on his face that I can only describe as hunted. He makes the occasional joke, but you can tell it’s an effort. Lucas, Bugs and Max do their best to act like everything’s normal, but the girls are all acting differently towards him. Especially Nina. They haven’t officially broken up – not yet – but I know she wants to. Anyone can see it’s only a matter of time. Instead of sitting with Stu at lunch or in the common room, Nina seeks out Amber and Sasha, or me (if the other two don’t happen to be around). And every time she chooses to sit next to someone else instead of taking the empty seat next to him, I make sure I watch him. I like seeing the look on his face. Hopeful at first, then he doesn’t even bother to try hiding the disappointment. It’s pitiful.

I was walking behind the two of them on the way home from school one day and Stu put his arm around her. She didn’t shrug it off, but you could tell her body was angled away from him. You could see daylight between them. Soon you’ll be able to drive a f*cking truck through the space between them. Part of me wants her just to get it over with, but I’m kind of enjoying the fact that she’s stringing him along. Giving him tiny scraps of hope, making him wonder if maybe things will turn out OK when everyone’s forgotten about it. But the new mystery graffiti scrawler is making damn sure that isn’t happening. I’d like to find out who she is (at least, I presume it’s a girl) and shake her hand. Or at least ask what her deal is.

I’m running out of time. It’s time to finish this thing. There’s only one letter left – the letter that makes it one whole year. I can’t even fathom how I’ve managed to survive twelve months without him.

The perfect opportunity has presented itself. I couldn’t have planned it better: Max and his brother are having another party. But the timing of it makes my heart ache: two days before Kai’s final letter. Two days before the anniversary of his death. Two days before I die.

The venue leaves a lot to be desired. Apparently Max’s parents were majorly pissed off about the state the house was left in last year – especially the bloody great scorch marks in the pristine lawn. So this year the Miller brothers decided that Boreham Woods would be a more sensible option. Right next to the bridge.

Everyone’s so bored of hanging out in the same old places that the idea of partying in the woods is genuinely exciting to them. They probably reckon it’s going to be like some American movie – a post-Homecoming party with cheerleaders and football players and kegs of beer. When the reality is that it’ll be the same old people, doing the same old things – with the added bonus of freezing our asses off in the process.

Every time I allow myself to think about going there, I feel my stomach tighten. I’ve gone out of my way – literally – to avoid that place. Sometimes it’s impossible, like when were going somewhere in the car. But when that happens I just close my eyes and picture myself somewhere else. I can still tell exactly when we’re going over the bridge though. The tyres make a different noise. I used to like that sound; I’d listen out for it because it usually meant we were going somewhere exciting (like IKEA). It marked the beginning of an Adventure. Now it marks nothing of the sort. It marks a boy standing in the rain, looking down at his beloved river. Looking down at the rocks below and wondering if they would smash his skull or whether he’d drown first.

With any luck I won’t have to even see the bridge. I can enter the woods round the back of that creepy-looking church. It’s not the fastest way to get there, but it’s my only option. It’ll be awful enough knowing it’s there, but I can’t allow myself to get distracted, not now. I’m so very nearly there.

Sasha thinks the party will be ‘good for the group’ after all the crap stuff that’s happened recently. And that was before yesterday’s little drama, when Nina finally got around to dumping Stu. I’d been getting antsy, thinking she was going to pull that ‘stand by your man’ crap. I should have trusted that she’d come good in the end.

It wasn’t that rewarding actually. I’d been hoping for screaming and shouting, or at the very least some tears. Nope. Nina was classy enough to break up with him off the school premises. They went out for coffee at lunchtime and she came back by herself, looking amazingly composed. You could tell she was upset though. Whenever anyone asked, she’d say, ‘I’m fine,’ in this clipped, tense voice that sounded like it was about to shatter at any moment. I was fairly sure I could make her cry if I really wanted to, but that wasn’t really the point of the exercise. Nina hasn’t done anything wrong – unless you count her terrible taste in boys. It was Stu I want to hurt, and by the sounds of things, I’ve done a pretty decent job. No one saw him for the rest of the day, and you could tell everyone was glad not to have to deal with him. He’s been putting on a brave face today though, and Nina’s had the good sense to steer clear. I don’t know what this means in terms of her position in the group. I wouldn’t be surprised if her time was up. Only time will tell, I suppose.

I doubt Nina will come to the party though. Which is a shame, because I actually don’t mind her that much. Not really. She’s harmless, like a little piece of fluff on your favourite top. If she’s clever enough (and I have my doubts), in years to come she might realize I did her a massive favour. She might even want to thank me, but of course it’ll be too late for that. Anyway, I’d much rather Amber was the one left out in the cold; I really don’t see the point of her. Sometimes I get caught up in this stuff, the ins and outs of the group, and then I remember I have precisely zero reasons to care. It’s as if my brain forgets that my days in the inner circle are numbered too.