Undone(70)

Weirdly, Nina’s the first one to mention the police. She asks Lucas if he thinks the school will call them in. I’m not sure why she asks him, like he’s the authority on everything. ‘I doubt it. The police have got better things to do than piss about investigating graffiti.’

‘It’s more than graffiti though, isn’t it? It’s, like, a campaign or something. I mean, why else would you go to so much trouble?’ Louise again. I don’t know if she looks at me because I won’t allow myself to look at her. I stare at my apple core instead.

Nina’s voice cracks as she says, ‘I can’t even … I mean, what if it’s … ?’ Then she properly breaks down in tears. Sasha puts her arm around her on one side and Amber does the same on the other side. No one else knows where to look. The sobbing doesn’t abate and even Nina eventually seems to realize it’s getting a little embarrassing. She pushes her chair back and hurries out of the canteen. Sasha and Amber look at each other to decide who’s going to follow, and Sasha shrugs and hurries after her.

As soon as they’re gone the atmosphere changes. Everyone relaxes a bit. Lucas doesn’t though – he’s abnormally quiet and he’s let go of my hand. I rest my palm on his bare leg and whisper into his ear, asking if he’s OK. He nods and shrugs. ‘We’ll talk later, OK? You still coming round after school?’

I stroke his thigh with my thumb. ‘Definitely. I want you to finish what you started earlier.’ I worry for a second that he might not be in the mood for this kind of talk, but then I remember that he’s a boy and always in the mood for this kind of talk.

I sit back and listen to the others talk about Stu. It feels pretty good, but I can’t wait for Stu to come back from the head’s office. He’s been gone ages and lunchtime’s nearly over. It’s OK though – I’ll get every little detail from Lucas later.

*

The girl I sit next to in Spanish (there’s really no excuse for such frizzy hair in this day and age – hasn’t she heard of John Frieda?) asks me if I think it’s true and if I have any idea who might have written it. I’m half tempted to tell her to f*ck off and mind her own business, but then I remember that this is exactly what I wanted to happen. Sometimes I find it hard to keep it all straight in my head. I wonder if this is a little bit what it’s like to be schizophrenic. Probably not.

‘Of course it’s not true,’ I say in a perfectly uncertain tone of voice while avoiding eye contact. ‘And I’ve got no idea who wrote it … it could have been anyone.’ I like how this can be taken two ways. It could have been anyone. Or, it could have been any one of the multitude of girls he’s shagged after getting them drunk or giving them drugs or just wearing them down until they’re too exhausted to say no or fight him off.

Frizzy girl (Rachael?) nods and goes back to looking at her notebook. I might as well go for broke before she loses interest. ‘I … I’d better not talk about it though. You know, in case there are legal implications …’

Rachael/Frizzy’s ears prick up at that, and she looks at me with narrowed eyes. ‘Why would there be legal implications? Unless … unless it’s true?’

A quick shake of my head and a half-assed ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ and I can practically see the cogs whirring in her mind, thinking about who she’s going to tell, what little extra details of her own she’ll add when she tells her random friends that she talked to one of Stu Hicks’s friends and there might actually be some truth behind the rumours.

Today is a good day.

I am an idiot. I didn’t really think this through, did I? But then how was I supposed to know that Lucas would be all moody and weird just because one of his best mates got accused of being a rapist? You’d think I’d be happy that the graffiti’s affecting everyone, but I could do without it affecting him right now. Nothing to do with the fact that I’m horny as hell, of course.

He’s quiet on the walk to his house. I decide it’s better to tackle the subject head-on, try to get it out of the way before we get back. Otherwise I might as well just give up and go home now. I link my fingers with his and lean in close. ‘Hey, are you OK? You seem a little distant.’

He looks up and smiles, but it’s a poor effort. ‘Sorry. I’m just worried about Stu … You should have seen him this afternoon. He was in a right state – like, really scared. Apparently Heath gave him a right grilling.’

‘He doesn’t have anything to be scared about. He hasn’t done anything wrong.’

Lucas says nothing and walks on.

‘Lucas? What is it? He hasn’t done anything wrong …’ I look at him out of the corner of my eye and he’s staring down at the pavement. ‘… has he?’ This is an unexpected turn of events.

He shakes his head and says, ‘No,’ but it’s not particularly convincing.

I stop walking so Lucas has to stop too. ‘Lucas, is there something you’re not telling me? Because you know you can tell me anything, don’t you? You can trust me.’ Lie.

He looks deep into my eyes and I’ve never seen him look so troubled. Usually he looks like nothing in the world can touch him, but now he looks like an actual human being. ‘I know I can trust you,’ he says, but when he kisses me quickly on the lips it doesn’t feel right. ‘It’s probably nothing. I mean, I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just that Stu’s slept with a lot of girls, you know? And most of them have been one-night stands and …’ He shrugs and looks around as if the shop window we’re standing next to will have the words he’s looking for instead of a garish sign advertising five cans of Stella for a fiver.