Undone(68)

There are a couple of keen beans in school early, but no one I know. I steer well clear of the common room just to be on the safe side. I head to the science-block toilets first because they’re closest. There’s a moment of hesitation just before I do it – only a moment though.

There are three more girls’ toilets to get through. I go to the main ones next; I want to get them out of the way before the normal people start arriving at school. I check my watch. I reckon I have fifteen minutes tops before school starts filling up.

By the time I’ve finished I’m sweating from the stress. The only person who sees me anywhere near any of the toilets is a tiny little Year 7 girl. Her blazer is three sizes too big and her skirt is all uneven at the bottom from being taken up by someone who knows jack shit about sewing. She’s delving into her school bag (also three sizes too big) and bumps into me as I’m heading out of the door of the last lot of toilets. She’s all mumbly and apologetic and doesn’t really look me in the face. She looks miserable. The school has clearly done a number on her already. She was probably completely normal and happy and smiley until she came to this shithole. I feel bad for her.

I’m not too worried about her seeing me. No way would she have the balls to say anything, even if she’d caught me in the act. There’s something about her though. For some reason I find myself thinking about her for most of the morning. I hope she has a friend to look after her. I hope she has her very own Kai. And I really hope he doesn’t go and die on her.

I can’t concentrate at all for the first couple of lessons. It’s only a matter of time.

I should have chucked away the evidence. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. And I realize I didn’t do a very good job of washing my hands, so I keep rubbing at the marks until there’s not a trace left. I must look like some kind of weird version of Lady Macbeth or something. No one sees though. That’s the benefit of sitting at the back of the classroom in every single lesson.

The usual suspects are all in the common room at break time. The only one who’s missing is Amber, but no one seems to notice when she’s not around. Her presence is not needed in order for the group to feel like the group. Pretty much all she adds is a pair of humongous breasts and that annoying laugh of hers. I’ve noticed that Bugs has been paying her a lot more attention recently, as if that will offset the gay rumours. Amber loves the attention; the poor girl has no way of knowing that he only notices her when Sasha’s not around.

No one else notices when Amber arrives, aims a worried glance at Stu, who’s grabbing a can of Coke from the vending machine near the door, and drags Sasha into a corner and starts whispering. Lucas is too busy tracing circles on my thigh with his finger, and the others are engaged in a heated debate about something meaningless that I’m trying my best not to get involved in.

I watch Sasha and Amber leave the common room. I don’t feel nervous, exactly. It feels a little bit like nerves, but slightly different. It’s an anticipation that’s only one tiny step away from excitement. I wish I could follow Amber and Sasha and listen to what they’re saying. I still could, I suppose. But I don’t want anyone getting suspicious. Speaking of suspicious, I wish Louise would stop looking at me. It’s been going on for the past couple of weeks and I really, really don’t like it. She keeps catching my eye. I mean, I suppose it’s not that weird. We hang out in the same group pretty much all the time. I probably wouldn’t even notice if it was Nina or Sasha or even one of the boys, but with her I always notice. I don’t know why it makes me so uncomfortable. She’s been perfectly friendly since she and Max wheedled their way back into Team Popular. Not that we’ve spent any time together on our own or anything, because that would be properly awkward. It would be worse than me and Amber hanging out. (I still shudder to remember the time we had to spend ten minutes alone together because Sasha was running late. Scintillating conversation is not her strong point. In fact, I’m pretty sure she couldn’t even spell ‘scintillating’.)

Lucas’s hand has crept further and further up my thigh and I didn’t even notice. Now I notice. No one else can see though, because of the table. He’s talking to Bugs about football and touching me there. Bastard. I should stop him. I really, really should … stop him. Fuck.

My hand grips the edge of the table and there must be some chewing gum or something equally gross stuck on the underside because I feel something disgustingly sticky and pull my hand away. In doing so, I accidentally swipe at the half-empty can of Coke in front of me. Which ends up on Lucas’s lap. Which stops him doing what he was doing. Lucas jumps up and swears. And that’s when Sasha and Amber reappear. And I’m left wishing some dirty skank had disposed of their gum in the bin. And wishing everyone apart from Lucas would magically disappear so I could help him out of those jeans (and more importantly, he could help me out of mine).

Sasha looks Lucas up and down and rolls her eyes. Then she turns her attention to Stu, now sitting with Nina on his lap, looking very pleased with himself. ‘Stu? Can I have a word?’

Stu does not look pleased. ‘Can it wait? I’ve kind of got my hands full right now.’ He squeezes Nina’s waist and she giggles and squirms. ‘Oh yeah, that’s right, baby … don’t stop.’ He throws back his head and groans in mock ecstasy. The boys all laugh at this little performance, even Lucas, who’s busy sponging his crotch with a napkin.