Undone(63)

If I was really going to analyse what happened, it all comes down to a series of choices. Moments in which I could have made a different decision and the outcome would have been entirely different.

I wanted Lucas to stop talking about Kai; I wanted to stop thinking about Kai. Lucas looked surprised and pleased when I let my top drop back to the floor. And he looked like all his Christmases and birthdays and any other celebration you can think of had come at once when I knelt in front of him and started unbuckling his belt.

He even gave me the opportunity to stop. ‘Are you sure you want to do this? You really don’t have to …’

This was when I could have said, ‘No, I am not sure I want to do this. I definitely don’t want to.’ But I didn’t. I went right ahead and unbuckled his jeans.

I didn’t have any idea what I was doing, but he seemed to like it. Low standards, I guess. There was a moment when I nearly burst out laughing at the madness of it all. But laughing would have been difficult, given that Lucas Mahoney’s penis was in my mouth.

A little voice in my head niggled at me, telling me to check for a hidden camera. But I knew I was just being ridiculous.

The next decision was whether to go upstairs. Whether to take things even further. Once again, Lucas presented me with a get-out clause. Once again I refused. It was like someone else had colonized my brain; Old Jem was in there somewhere, cowering in a corner saying, Don’t do this. Please don’t do this. Not with him. New Jem told her to shut the f*ck up.

Lucas’s bedroom was the opposite of the rest of the house. White walls, minimal clutter. I barely had time to take it all in before I was on the bed having the rest of my clothes stripped from my body.

He had a box of condoms in his bedside drawer. A half-empty box, which made me think of Sasha again. She’d been exactly where I was, doing exactly what I was doing. And if she was to be believed, she’d taught him everything he knew. I tried to block this thought from my mind, but it kept pushing its way to the forefront. Whenever Lucas touched me or kissed me in a way I liked, I wondered if Sasha had instructed him to do it that way. Unfortunately (or fortunately) Lucas kept touching me and kissing me in ways that felt so good I could hardly stand it. And he was so gentle. He kept stopping and looking at me questioningly. He clearly realized it was my first time. I should have been insulted, but instead I was glad.

Afterwards he asks me if I’m OK and I can’t help the smile from spreading across my face. I didn’t quite come but I’m not even that bothered – just relieved I got through it OK.

‘I didn’t hurt you, did I?’

I shake my head and kiss him. Not strictly true; it had hurt a bit. Nothing like some of the horror stories I’d heard though. Lucas props himself up on his elbow. ‘Um. I’ve been wanting to give you something …’

I elbow him in the ribs. ‘You’ve already given me plenty, don’t you think?’ I inwardly cringe; I honestly have no idea where this stuff comes from.

Lucas doesn’t laugh, which is fine because it really wasn’t funny. He’s unwinding the thin piece of leather wrapped around his wrist. I’ve never seen him without it. ‘I thought maybe you’d like to wear this?’ He looks shifty, worried almost.

‘Marking your territory, are you?’ I’m only half-joking.

‘Look, if you don’t want it, that’s fine. I just thought it would be kind of … cool, that’s all.’

I hold out my left hand and he winds the leather around my wrist. He ties it carefully, then kisses the back of my hand like he’s a fairytale prince and I’m some swooning wench.

‘Thank you,’ I say. I have no idea how I should be feeling about this token of his affection. No idea at all.

‘I really, really like you, Jem.’ The way he says it makes it seem like a declaration of the deepest, most sincere love.

I look into his eyes until he blinks. ‘I like you too, Lucas Mahoney.’

He smiled. ‘Why do you always do that? Call me by my whole name?’

I nuzzle in closer to him. ‘I just like the way it sounds.’ A lie, of course. In my head Lucas Mahoney is not a real person. He is a fictional character. A puppet. Someone who exists for me to mess with. I know exactly how I feel about Lucas Mahoney. I despise him. But Lucas? Lucas is very real. Frighteningly real. I’m not sure how I feel about Lucas. And I’m starting to wonder if …

No.

This is the truth of the matter: having sex with Lucas Mahoney was better than I could have ever imagined.

And that’s the problem.

I want to do it again.

Jem,

How’s sixth form treating you? Bet Allander Park looks a little different from the dizzy heights of the sixth-form block, right?

I fell asleep, Jem. I was going to rest my head for a minute, decide if I really but I bloody fell asleep. It was only for a few minutes, but when I woke up I forgot – for one blissful, perfect moment I forgot. My foolish, caffeine-addled brain thought I must have fallen asleep doing my homework, and you know that sleepy, hazy feeling you have that’s halfway between dream world and this world? Well, I could have lived in it forever. I could have curled up inside it and stayed there for good. But everything came crashing back, like it always does, and I remembered that I’m a laughing stock. That people who never gave me a second glance now have an opinion about me. They think I’m disgusting. I’m not, Jem, am I? I need you to know that I’m not. I just made a mistake. A silly mistake. I thought I could do things with a boy I liked and that it would be ok because no one would know. And maybe one day he could even be my boyfr