Undone(64)

I’m almost too embarrassed to admit that I was planning on giving you some relationship advice. Now, if that isn’t the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. All I know is that it’s supposed to be amazing, this ‘love’ thing. It’s not supposed to make you sad or angry or ashamed. It’s meant to make things easier, better, lighter. (And doing rude things with someone you actually care about? God, Jem, it’s brilliant.) So I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you find someone that makes you happy – really, truly happy – then try to hang on to them. Because I don’t think it comes around all that often.

The sun’s coming up now. I was hoping for a proper, beautiful sunrise, but I think we both know you don’t always get what you wish for. It’s just starting to rain, and maybe it’s better that way.

Bye for now, pickle.

Love,

Kai

xxx



My tea sits untouched on the bedside table. There are no tears this time. I feel numb.

It had never occurred to me before. Maybe it should have, but it really didn’t.

Kai had been in love with that boy in the video. He’d been in love and he hadn’t felt able to tell me.

I thought we told each other everything. I was wrong.





chapter forty


Sasha’s grin couldn’t be any wider. ‘You’ve had sex!’

‘What?! No I haven’t.’

‘YOU HAVE! I can tell! You look … different.’ Sasha wasn’t quite jumping up and down with glee, but she wasn’t far from it. It was way too early for such levels of enthusiasm. The bell for registration hadn’t even gone yet.

‘No, I really … I don’t look different, do I? Shit. He told you, didn’t he?’

‘Ha! I knew it. Don’t be stupid – of course you don’t look different! What were you expecting? A rosy glow of sexual satisfaction or something? ‘Fraid not. And no, he didn’t tell me.’

‘Then how … ?’ Maybe there had been a hidden camera after all.

‘It was so obvious that’s what he had planned – inviting you over when his mum was out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d lit some candles too … Please tell me there weren’t candles. That boy is such a soppy bastard. I see he’s handed over his prize possession too.’ She flicks at the leather on my wrist. ‘He must reeeeeally like you. Anyway, I saw him yesterday and asked him straight out. I’ve never seen him so uncomfortable – it was like he was trying to protect your honour or something! Ridiculous boy.’

‘So he didn’t say anything?’ This was a surprise. I’d half expected him to brag about it. Maybe he had though – just not to his ex-girlfriend. Stu and Bugs would be a more appropriate audience for that kind of thing. I’d have to wait till break time to see if they’d been told all the gory details.

‘Nope, but he blushed and looked shifty. So I was pretty sure, and then you just confirmed it! I swear I’m some kind of evil genius.’ She slipped her arm through mine and whispered conspiratorially, ‘So … what did you think? He’s pretty good, isn’t he? I have to say, that’s the one thing I miss about him.’

‘Sasha, I really don’t want to hear about you missing his one thing. Can we talk about something else, please?’

Her sigh was so prolonged it sounded like every last molecule of air leaving her body. ‘God, you two are as bad as each other. You’re, like, perfect for each other. Just for the record, I think it’s very selfish of you to deny me the details. It’s been so long since I had sex that I’m practically a born-again virgin.’

Just for the record, I know for a fact that Sasha shagged some random guy three weeks ago. In a toilet cubicle in Espionage, the crappiest nightclub in town. I’ve heard enough about that place to know I never, ever want to go there. Sasha says it’s only worth going at Christmas or in the summer holidays – when there are likely to be hot boys home from uni. She reckons she is ‘so over’ boys our age.

‘Sorry, Sasha. You’ll just have to get your vicarious … er … pleasure elsewhere.’

I’m pleased that the idea that I might have actually lost my virginity to Lucas doesn’t even occur to Sasha.

It’s been five days since I lost my virginity to Lucas Mahoney. It’s all I can think about. I haven’t been concentrating in any of my classes. I’ve hardly eaten a thing.

When I saw Lucas in the common room at break time on Monday, I swear I felt my heart contract. I’ve seen you naked, was my first thought. I would like to see you naked again – soon, was my second. These were the wrong thoughts though. These thoughts were most definitely not part of the Plan. I gave myself a stern talking-to. Things along the lines of You cannot allow this to change anything and Just because you got laid, it doesn’t mean he’s not an evil bastard and He deserves everything that’s coming to him – and more.

But then he turned and smiled at me and … that smile. It was shy and genuine and full of something. Something real.

The sensible part of my brain was thinking that this is perfect. It’s going to be so much easier to make him a laughing stock. Awesome.

The unsensible part of my brain fired some electricity through some synapses or neurons or whatever, which caused the corners of my mouth to tilt up and my eyes to twinkle. Twinkling eyes, for f*ck’s sake. This boy had really done a number on me. When it came down to it, I was no better than every other simpering female in school. No one is immune from the charms of Lucas Mahoney. Not even someone who really, really hates him.