Undone(75)

They’re all too caught up in their own stuff to notice that I’m not talking. The girls are involved in some in-depth discussion about what to wear to the party tomorrow. The forecast isn’t too bad, but it’s still October, which means their usual clothing choices may result in a touch of hypothermia. Amber isn’t going to let that stop her wearing exactly what she wants though. ‘Anyway, there’s gonna be a fire, isn’t there? Plus, we can always find some hot boys to keep us warm … I’m totally bailing if there aren’t any hot boys. It’s all right for you, Lou, you’ve got Max. And Jem’s got Lucas. It’s so unfair. Sash, what do you say we head to Espionage if the party ends up being a bust?’

Louise ruffles Max’s hair and leans her head on his shoulder. Then she reassures Amber that there will in fact be decent boys at the party and that she reckons Max’s brother is ‘totally up for it’ if Amber can’t find anyone else she fancies.

I sit there messing around with my phone. I scroll through my contacts until I get to him. Then I scroll back through our messages, back before the video appeared. I haven’t done this yet. I’ve wanted to – so many times. Wanted to remember what it was like, how good things were. What it had been like to have someone who knew me. I’ve been too scared though. I needed to hold things together, to not let myself cry and grieve and feel. It was difficult enough opening those damn letters. But weirdly, now feels like the right time, even sitting in the middle of the hornets’ nest of Team Popular. Suddenly it seems urgent. I need to remember who I am. Because I realized something in that stupid f*cking stationery cupboard, when I was ready to take a photo of Bodley and the slutty teaching assistant. I realized something that scared me more than you can ever imagine: I have no idea who I am any more.

Who I’ve become.





chapter forty-six


Lucas wants to hang out after school. He says he wants to ‘talk’, which is pretty much the last thing I want to do. For a millisecond or so I wonder if he’s going to break up with me, but from the way he kisses me I can tell that’s the last thing on his mind. It would almost be funny if he did dump me though. All that planning and scheming – for nothing. Talk about an anticlimax.

Lucas tries to persuade me to go round to his place after dinner, but it’s family night in the Halliday household, and the one rule of family night is that nobody bails. We haven’t had a proper one in ages cos Dad’s been so busy at work. We’re going back to Mr Chow’s for the first time since last year. I think Mum must have forgotten that we went there the night before he died. Or maybe she knows full well and just doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I’m sure I could have persuaded them to take us somewhere else, but it seems right somehow.

It’s a struggle to leave Lucas after a good fifteen-minute make-out session behind the science block. I think he’s as frustrated as I am after our lunchtime sexfail. ‘Tomorrow night seems a really long way away.’

I kiss him lightly on the lips. ‘Don’t worry. It’ll be here before you know it. And we can “talk” then, yeah?’ I raise my eyebrows.

‘Hey! I do want to talk, actually. Not sure tomorrow’s quite the right time, but I’ll take what I can get.’

‘There’s a good boy … hmm … I’ve never had sex in the woods before. Better watch out for pine needles.’ I pat him on the bum and leave him standing there, staring after me. I mean, I don’t bother checking, but he’s probably staring, right?

I’ve never had sex in the woods before? I can’t help shaking my head at how lame I sound. Things like that spill out of my mouth so easily these days. I don’t even have to think about it any more. It’s scary.

I was already toying with the idea of paying a visit to Boots on the way home, but this makes up my mind. I should have just enough time before we go for dinner. Mum won’t be happy. Lucas probably won’t be happy. But I need to do this for me, before I disappear completely.

I look at myself in the mirror and see me looking back for the first time in forever. It’s good to be back. Poor Fernando would have a fit if he saw me now.

Mum nearly chokes on her customary pre-dinner gin and tonic. ‘Oh, Jem!’

Noah raises his hand for a high five and I can’t help but grin. Dad doesn’t say anything. He’s too busy watching the news to even notice.

I stand with my hands on my hips. ‘What? WHAT?! I fancied a change, OK?’

Mum takes a sip of her drink and you can tell she’s not sure how to play this. She’s wondering what she can possibly say to make me change my mind. In the end, she goes for silence. A sensible move on her part, I reckon.

I sit down on the edge of the sofa and pretend to watch the news. Some big oil disaster that must have happened a few days ago. The sort of thing I used to care about. I used to watch the news with Dad all the time. It was kind of our thing. I can’t remember when it stopped being our thing. I wonder if Dad even noticed. The look he gives me when I sit down next to him tells me that he did. And the guilt hits so hard it brings tears to my eyes.

Mum’s the only one who sees, probably because she’s still staring at my hair. ‘Oh, what’s the matter, love? Is it the hair? Don’t worry, I’ll pay for you to go to the salon tomorrow if you like?’