Undone(34)

chapter twenty-two


The news about Sasha and Lucas spread through the school faster than you would believe. The unthinkable had happened: the Golden Couple was officially no more. Lucas Mahoney had dumped Sasha Evans. I imagined a stampede of girls heading to the toilets, checking themselves out, fixing their hair and make-up just in case he was ready to audition for a replacement.

Opinions varied from I told you she wasn’t good enough for him to I thought they’d be together forever and have the most beautiful babies the world has ever seen.

At lunchtime all eyes were on their table, everyone gleefully expecting a Sasha-shaped hole in the ranks. I’ll admit that I was semi-gleefully expecting the exact same thing.

But there she was, sandwiched between Bugs and Stu. She looked completely at ease, as if she hadn’t even noticed that the eyes of the whole school were on her. Lucas looked as calm and relaxed and Lucas-like as usual, leaning back in his chair, legs spread wide as if his bollocks were so huge they really needed that much room. Amber Sheldon was sitting on his right side and I could smell the desperation from where I was sitting. Not a chance, love. Not a chance.

I was leaving the school premises with my customary speed – something akin to a death-row inmate given a last-minute reprieve – when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Sasha.

‘Wow, you’re pretty speedy, aren’t you? Didn’t you hear me calling you?’ I’d been thinking about Kai. Wishing he’d been here today for the Lucas/Sasha speculation; he would have loved it. ‘Don’t suppose you fancy grabbing a coffee or something? It’s been a bit of a crazy day and I could really do with the company . . . if you’ve got nothing better to do, that is.’

It was like Sasha Evans was asking me out on a date. Of course, I knew she wasn’t asking me out on a date, but that’s exactly how it felt. Not that I was particularly accustomed to being asked out or anything. I’d been asked out twice in my whole life. (Twice if you’re being generous, once if you’re not.)

I felt cornered. I wanted to say no but I couldn’t think up a decent excuse quick enough. Potential ways out would flood my brain minutes later – dentist, doctor, babysitting for Noah. So many plausible excuses, but none of them available when I needed them most. I should be happy, I reminded myself. This was exactly what I wanted; Sasha was my way in. She was my golden ticket to the realm of the in-crowd. I wasn’t even having to work for it. It was almost as if she actually wanted to be friends with me or something. Incomprehensible.

So I said yes and we had coffee. Well, Sasha had coffee (double soy something latte) and I had a pot of tea. Without even asking, I got the low-down on the whole Lucas situation: she broke up with him after sex because she figured he’d be more chilled out then; he was pretty chilled out about it and they agreed to stay friends; Lucas wanted to keep the benefits but Sasha was having none of it; she sweetened the pill by saying he could tell people he was the one to break up with her. I couldn’t believe she was OK with everyone thinking she was the one who’d been dumped, but Sasha just shrugged and said, ‘What does it matter? People can believe what they like – I know the truth and that’s what counts, isn’t it? Besides . . . boys’ egos are so very fragile.’ She laughed and I laughed right along with her.

It was starting to dawn on me that Sasha was a decent person. This made me deeply uncomfortable for a couple of reasons: it meant that I was a truly terrible judge of character, and it made me feel a little bit guilty.

I was using her.

I’d never really thought of myself as the kind of person who would use someone.

That was the day I read Kai’s fifth letter.

Dear Jem,

I hope you’re not bored of me yet? Wishing I’d shut the hell up and get on with being dead? Let me cut to the chase...

You are the best friend a boy could ever wish for. I never needed anyone else, you know? You were always more than enough. Why bother making new friends when I already had the best one in the galaxy? But I think maybe it was unfair of me to keep you to myself. It was selfish of me. I can’t help thinking that if we‘d both had other friends - real, proper ones rather than people we merely talked to now and then (and said horribly mean things about later) - things would be easier for you now. With that in mind, this month’s mission is this: talk to someone new. Bonus points (and who wouldn’t want bonus points?!) for going completely out of your comfort zone. For the record, ’comfort zone’ may be defined thusly: anyone you sit next to in lessons. You never know, that girl standing next to you in the cafeteria queue could well be your new best someone who shares your questionable taste in music.

What I’m trying to say is that you never really know a person until you know a person. Pretty deep, right? They’ll probably print that on a tea towel one day.

Oh God, Jem. I’m scared. I know it’s hideously unfair of me to be telling you this, because there’s really nothing you can do about it, is there? I’m sorry. I wish I could talk to you right now, but you’re at Mr Chow’s for family night. I wish my family could have done that once in a while. I can’t even remember the last time the four of us had dinner together. They always blame it on Mum’s shift work, but I know it’s not that. There’s nothing to stop her sitting down with a bowl of cornflakes while we eat our dinner, is there?

You’re lucky. I know you’re never believed that, but it’s true.