Undone(31)

This time I threw down the letter in annoyance. How did he know? How could he possibly know that I wouldn’t have talked to Louise. At least, not like he wanted me to.

I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. I even had a semi-decent excuse: I hardly saw her any more. Max and Louise never seemed to be with the others in the cafeteria. At first I’d assumed it was a blip, that Team Popular would be back to full strength ASAP. But then I began to wonder if there was more to it. Mum was the one who ended up supplying the solution to this little mystery.

She broached the subject at the dinner table one day, which I thought was spectacularly poor timing. Noah didn’t need to hear that kind of stuff; it was hard enough for him to understand that Kai was gone. Mum dabbed at her mouth with her napkin and cleared her throat. That’s how I knew she was going to say something annoying.

‘So . . . Jem, have you seen much of Louise at school?’

I shrugged and speared another piece of slightly overcooked rigatoni. Noah was taking the opportunity to hide his veg under a small mound of pasta. He tried this almost every night; it never worked.

‘Janice said she’s in a pretty bad way, you know.’

‘Yeah?’ I couldn’t have sounded any less interested.

‘Janice says she barely leaves her room these days. She’s cut herself off from all her friends, Janice said – apart from that boyfriend of hers. You know she’s been in counselling? Twice a week, apparently. It doesn’t seem to be helping yet, but you can’t expect these things to work overnight. There’s no miracle cure, is there?’ She fell into silence and then shook herself like she remembered that she had actually had a point that she wanted to make after all. ‘You know, it might be nice if you invited her over sometime. You’ve been coping so well . . . really getting on with things. I thought it might help if you talked to her.’

I looked at Dad for help, but he was busy adding yet more salt to his pasta. I wanted to remind Mum that Louise and I were not friends – and hadn’t been for years. But she knew that and clearly thought it was irrelevant. I was angry that she thought I was coping so well. I was angry that every time she asked how I was, I said ‘fine’ and she actually believed me. I was so f*cking angry. But for once I wasn’t interested in causing a scene. She meant well. I just had to keep telling myself that. Over and over again until I believed it.

‘Yeah, I’ll do that.’

Dad stopped with the salt-shaking and Noah stopped with the broccoli-burying and Mum stopped breathing. Me not being an awkward, snarky bitch was a massive deal, obviously. They’d better get used to it, because I fully intended on being a semi-reasonable, mostly nice daughter and sister for the next nine months. It was the least I could do.

The news about Louise was interesting. It made me wonder if the counselling made things even a tiny bit better for her. It made me wonder why Mum hadn’t suggested counselling for me. It did not make me want to reach out to Louise. Not even a little bit.

Soon after the Louise news, it was clear that Team Popular had drafted in a replacement from the subs bench. Nina was blonde and pretty and pointless. A former conquest of Stu’s, if the rumours were to be believed (and I always believed the rumours). There was no Max replacement though. Suitable boys were obviously harder to come by.

I was glad I didn’t have to see Louise every day. I could just about cope with passing her in the corridor once or twice a week. But her retreat into depression or whatever meant I was spared that punch-in-the-gut daily reminder of Kai. As if I needed reminding.

Seeing Mr and Mrs McBride was even worse than seeing Louise. My parents had them over a few times and I hid in my room, plugged into my iPod so I wouldn’t even have to hear them. I wouldn’t budge, even when Mum begged me to come down and say hello, even when she hissed that I was being selfish and I should think about someone other than myself for a change.

The one time I did see them (because they arrived early and I was still in the kitchen gathering supplies for the evening) I couldn’t believe the change. They looked terrible; shadowy and beaten. Mr McBride had lost weight. Kai always said his dad could do with losing a few pounds, but he’d never have dreamed it would happen like this. Mrs McBride hugged me and I thought she was never going to let go.

The McBrides were going through the motions of their lives. Even smiling and joking occasionally, but you could tell that something inside them had funamentally changed. Their hearts had been ripped out in the cruellest way imaginable.

I tried my very best to ignore the thought that I would be doing the exact same thing to my parents. Except this would be worse, because I’d seen the pain and anguish first-hand. I’d lived it.





chapter twenty-one


I nearly choked on my apple the day Sasha sat down next to me in the cafeteria. At least she didn’t sit in his chair. I’m not sure what I’d have done if she’d sat in his chair.

It was a good couple of weeks since we’d talked in the toilets, and I was beginning to think we’d never get any further than random hellos and half-smiles in the corridors. But as soon as she sat with me – looking like it was the most normal thing in the world – that was when I knew. For some inexplicable reason this girl wanted to be friends with me. She was playing right into my hands and she had no clue.

‘Hey, Jem, how’s it going?’ Every movement Sasha made was graceful, and I wondered if that was something I could work on or whether it was something you had to be born with. She smoothed down her already very smooth hair and started nibbling on a slice of cucumber. All she had on her plate was salad and a Diet Coke, of course. Suddenly I wished that my ketchup-splattered plate would disappear. At least you couldn’t tell it had been home to a mountain of chips only a few minutes ago.